My Daily Life Is Boring Except For All These Awesome Asides

Beef Jerky
You were a very important part of my day, old dried friend.

I spend every day with you – your daily life is boring!

This is what my co-worker said tonight as I was driving him home. He’s not a jerk, I promise. We were talking about my blog and he asked how it was going. I told him that this month I’m committed to writing a post every day. He was curious how I find content since I have such a normal, not-hilarious job.

Therein lies this writer’s challenge!

So…

Here goes.

Oh, quick aside – I’ve installed a line of code where Google is now going to tell me what percentage of you are chicks. No idea how this is determined, but hope at least a few guys read this thing. If not, I’m just going to give up and start menstruating.

Oh, another quick aside – I lost three pounds last night. I woke up this morning, stepped on the scale, and rejoiced. I mean, I didn’t literally rejoice as I think that involves throwing your hands high to the heavens and singing. I just grunted out a half smile and scratched my nards. And before you tell me that this was simply water-weight let me tell you something, mister! Sure I peed twice during the night and also right before I got on the scale. That I cannot argue. However, earlier I had commanded my subconscious to ramp up my metabolism while I slept. I wish I was kidding, but I really did. I said this affirmation out loud at least twenty times. I know only a moron would believe you can lose three pounds in one night this way, but I’m going to assume that’s what did it. Because it’s more fun.

Let’s keep going with the asides. Today there was a special on beef jerky at Walgreens. I don’t mean some paltry $.50 off coupon. We’re talking $4.00 off a $7.00 item! That’s pretty impressive in the jerky retail world. I happened to notice it and, hey, it’s not like I’m not going to buy beef jerky that’s 67% off. I purchased two packs. In a weird coincidence I had already consumed jerky that morning. I ran out of yogurt the day before and was scrambling looking for food. I found this high-end jerky my girlfriend had bought me for Christmas. I tore into it and had a jerky breakfast. Then, as mentioned earlier, an awesome jerky lunch. Nearly three packs of jerky were eaten today. I smell like death.

Last aside, I promise. I lied to a friend today. We were talking on the phone and I made a comment that the Squatty Potty was changing my life. As soon as I said it I knew I had made a tactical error. See, I was on the Squatty Potty at the time. She asked, “Are you on the Squatty Potty?” Before I knew it a lie shot out of my mouth. “Well, I never!” I shouted in my best offended-woman-from-the-south voice. I know that it’s gross to do this and most of the time I don’t. But she was in the middle of a story and nature called. Maybe deep down I wanted to get caught. I’ll bring it up with the therapist tomorrow.

Okay, I lied to you. One more aside. I’m not convinced that quinoa is anything other than little pieces of plastic. I put that crap into my chicken soup tonight and let it boil for fifteen minutes. These squiggly things pop out of it after a while and then that was the end of the magic. Not very exciting. Plus, it tasted like gravel. It’s the Grape Nuts of dinner.

So yeah, all in all not a very exciting day, but they can’t all be I-single-handedly-discovered-the-nature-of-God days. I’ll try harder tomorrow to do something cool.

Beef Jerky
You were a very important part of my day, old dried friend.

photo credit: theimpulsivebuy via photopin cc

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