I spend every day with you – your daily life is boring!
This is what my co-worker said tonight as I was driving him home. He’s not a jerk, I promise. We were talking about my blog and he asked how it was going. I told him that this month I’m committed to writing a post every day. He was curious how I find content since I have such a normal, not-hilarious job.
Therein lies this writer’s challenge!
So…
Here goes.
Oh, quick aside – I’ve installed a line of code where Google is now going to tell me what percentage of you are chicks. No idea how this is determined, but hope at least a few guys read this thing. If not, I’m just going to give up and start menstruating.
Oh, another quick aside – I lost three pounds last night. I woke up this morning, stepped on the scale, and rejoiced. I mean, I didn’t literally rejoice as I think that involves throwing your hands high to the heavens and singing. I just grunted out a half smile and scratched my nards. And before you tell me that this was simply water-weight let me tell you something, mister! Sure I peed twice during the night and also right before I got on the scale. That I cannot argue. However, earlier I had commanded my subconscious to ramp up my metabolism while I slept. I wish I was kidding, but I really did. I said this affirmation out loud at least twenty times. I know only a moron would believe you can lose three pounds in one night this way, but I’m going to assume that’s what did it. Because it’s more fun.
Let’s keep going with the asides. Today there was a special on beef jerky at Walgreens. I don’t mean some paltry $.50 off coupon. We’re talking $4.00 off a $7.00 item! That’s pretty impressive in the jerky retail world. I happened to notice it and, hey, it’s not like I’m not going to buy beef jerky that’s 67% off. I purchased two packs. In a weird coincidence I had already consumed jerky that morning. I ran out of yogurt the day before and was scrambling looking for food. I found this high-end jerky my girlfriend had bought me for Christmas. I tore into it and had a jerky breakfast. Then, as mentioned earlier, an awesome jerky lunch. Nearly three packs of jerky were eaten today. I smell like death.
Last aside, I promise. I lied to a friend today. We were talking on the phone and I made a comment that the Squatty Potty was changing my life. As soon as I said it I knew I had made a tactical error. See, I was on the Squatty Potty at the time. She asked, “Are you on the Squatty Potty?” Before I knew it a lie shot out of my mouth. “Well, I never!” I shouted in my best offended-woman-from-the-south voice. I know that it’s gross to do this and most of the time I don’t. But she was in the middle of a story and nature called. Maybe deep down I wanted to get caught. I’ll bring it up with the therapist tomorrow.
Okay, I lied to you. One more aside. I’m not convinced that quinoa is anything other than little pieces of plastic. I put that crap into my chicken soup tonight and let it boil for fifteen minutes. These squiggly things pop out of it after a while and then that was the end of the magic. Not very exciting. Plus, it tasted like gravel. It’s the Grape Nuts of dinner.
So yeah, all in all not a very exciting day, but they can’t all be I-single-handedly-discovered-the-nature-of-God days. I’ll try harder tomorrow to do something cool.
photo credit: theimpulsivebuy via photopin cc
Kristina says:
Not very exciting, maybe, but I laughed aloud at the ‘Grape Nuts of dinner’ line.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks Kristina!
Yeah – I’m especially proud of that one.
AlwaysARedhead says:
So Google is going to tell you whether I am female or not, hmm. Well if they knock on my door I am not answering.
D.J. Paris says:
According to Google you’re definitively a broad. Just reading the figures.
Karen says:
I knew you were pooping. You’re not as sly as you think. I accepted your lie so you wouldn’t be compelled to describe the experience in detail. I was preparing my dinner.
D.J. Paris says:
I was firing cannonballs, true. I muted during the grunts.
Jill @ Called To Be A Mom says:
It’s all okay to have an ordinary life. I have a very no drama life. Okay I have a 2 year old and a 3 year old. But my relationship with my husband is pretty dang boring. He is a computer programmer. He fits the stereotype to a ‘T”. But I will say one thing, I was married before and I will take boring mundane every.single.day as a blessing! I don’t want the worries of the drama life 😉 So enjoy your boring life!
D.J. Paris says:
I love computer programmers! But that’s because I dig learning about php, css, html, sql and javascript. Yep, I’m a nerd.
Nate says:
Interesting post. It all depends on your preference. If you want to be boring, that’s great. If not, then that’s great too. It’s all about how we choose to live our lives. Thanks for the entertaining post!
D.J. Paris says:
I’m going to choose my life like a maniac. At least that will keep the blog ideas flowing!
Lynda Lippin says:
You know, boring is not so bad. My life has been way too exciting lately – injuries, parents dying, depressed hubster – I could use a good spot of boring right now. Enjoy it!
D.J. Paris says:
Ouch. Sorry about all the challenges! Go take a vacation if you can!
Kat says:
I totally agree with you on quinoa; it doesn’t even look appetizing. You did the right thing, lying about where you were when you were talking to your friend. That would have led the conversation down paths best not travelled…..
For an uninteresting day, you still entertain. Bravo DJ!
D.J. Paris says:
Quinoa is cool because it has curly things, but taste-wise it’s a zero. Also, my friend told me to tell her next time I’m shitting. So she can hang up on me.
Becky says:
Contentment is not boring, sir. There is a difference.
D.J. Paris says:
Who said I’m content? I’m too crazy for content. Ha!
Sophie Bowns says:
Ha! I don’t think those things were boring at all! 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
Nah, it’s boring. But boring is sometimes fun. 🙂
Katie S says:
You’re quinoa’ing wrong. Boil longer.
D.J. Paris says:
You boil longer, Katie! You boil longer!
AlwaysARedhead says:
First, your site is acting quite odd in regards to display. Second, in reply to your replay, I do prefer the term yummy mummy rather than broad. 😉
D.J. Paris says:
Hey – can you give me more detail about the display being goofy? Thanks!
AlwaysARedhead says:
First, and you’ll like this, it doesn’t happen every time, like right now, all is good (it has happened three times).
Earlier when I went to reply to your reply, the top menu was on the left side, then your post with the comments. The comments were listed one after another, with no reply button, (unlike now where I can reply in the right place), which is why I replied to your reply at the bottom of all the replies. Hope that makes sense. Next time I will take a screen shot for you, so I won’t have to use the word reply over and over again.
D.J. Paris says:
No, don’t worry – I’ve seen this from time to time, too. I think it’s a bug in my mobile site plugin. I’ll report it. Just let me know if it happens again. Thanks!
Alana (@RamblinGarden) says:
The Squatty Potty. I am not going there. In more ways than one. I do appreciate that potty “#2” is only $20. more, though.
D.J. Paris says:
Ha – it will change your life. Give yourself the gift of awesome!
Jana says:
Well, I spent more time than I ever would have imagined finding out about healthy elimination after reading about the Squatty Potty — my bowels are intrigued.
Regarding quinoa — I think it ends up looking like tiny worms that have infested the grain. I just have a hard time getting past that.
Lastly – perhaps your three pound loss is NOT just water weight. Maybe you have the Squatty Potty to thank!
D.J. Paris says:
Buy the Squatty Potty and report back!
The only thing good about quinoa is the tiny worms. It at least makes it fun to look up.
I’m up to five lbs in three days now! Worship my metabolism.
Steve Braun says:
Well, I think that makes at least two dudes who’ve read this. Unless Nate is short for Nateesha.
D.J. Paris says:
Hmm… now I’m questioning everyone’s name. There’s a lot of estrogen flowing around this site.
Kim Hill says:
Your blog cracks me up and my 15 year-old is slowly starting to think that you are a God. He reads your blog and laughs and laughs. It is the best!
D.J. Paris says:
Your 15 year old is right to think this way. Thank you SO much for the kind words. I really appreciate it!
Aussa Lorens says:
Quinoa is definitely little pieces of plastic. I bought a macaroni sized box of it for like $30 a year ago and have managed to burn two pots of it since. The box remains mostly full.
D.J. Paris says:
I mean, it’s not terrible, just nothing special. I feel like $30 was too much for that. Ha!
Karoline Riskowski says:
Dude, quinoa is actually pretty tasty when you have the right blend of ingredients. It doesn’t have to be the “Grape Nuts” of dinner.