I’ve been busy over the past two days.
First I released a new version of my Apple and Android app which include push notifications. Yes, you now get a popup whenever I write something new. Does my narcissism know no bounds?
Also I launched a Twitter web app which pokes around through your followers to see if anyone famous follows you. It’s pointless and silly but so are a majority of the activities in which I participate.
Okay, so now that the housecleaning is out of the way I’d like to publicly state that I’m a fantastic boyfriend.
This is not a proclamation from my ego. Believe me, there are many areas of life where I’m not proud. Just ask my therapist. She gets to hear all about it every Tuesday.
However, I have made a simple decision in my current relationship which has transformed the intimacy to a level I had never experienced before.
Years ago I was out at a party. There was a couple and the man was holding his girlfriend’s hand as they walked around the room. I watched them interact over the course of the evening and I noticed something that, at the time, seemed strange. He was constantly checking in with her and asking her what she needed.
He would make sure she had a full drink. Went around introducing her to his friends. Made sure she was having a good time.
Now, I know this couple. He’s not a controlling guy. She’s not needy – in fact, she’s independent. However, you could see her appreciation each time he did something to show her he cared. It was obvious that she was the most important person at the party to him.
He understood a principle that I have only recently adopted.
Meeting your partner’s needs is the most important part of a relationship.
My guess is that at this party she felt insecure (she didn’t know anyone). To make her comfortable he never left her side. He was constantly touching and engaging her.
My girlfriend at the time remarked, “Wow – that’s a real man. Look at how he takes care of his woman.”
It took me seven years before I adopted this into practice. That’s not to say I was a jerk to my previous romances. I wasn’t. Often I tried my hardest to do things that I thought a good boyfriend should do. I didn’t, however, pay attention to what the woman actually needed.
This time I’m able to show up for the relationship in a new way. I make sure that my girlfriend’s needs are met first.
Now, I should point out that I’m dating an emotionally healthy person with reasonable needs. That helps.
I’ve paid attention over months and discovered what is most important to her. What makes her feel loved. Where and when she needs support. How to show appreciation in the way that she prefers.
Some of this I’ve learned by flat-out asking. “When you’re feeling sad, what should I do?” Other times I let my intuition take over and I do what comes natural.
The question I keep in the front of my mind is, “Does my woman need anything?” It’s a mantra to me.
When I see an opportunity, more often that not, I take action.
The damnedest thing has happened as a result of this focus. My woman feels like she is the center of my universe. She’s fulfilled.
Now, I’m far from perfect. I make mistakes and screw up in the relationship. She’s not always thrilled with me, I’m sure. But my batting average is solid.
In past relationships I used to worry about my needs being met. I withheld if I wasn’t receiving what I thought was fair. I no longer think or act this way. I now give at my fullest and assume that she will do the same. She does.
I wish somebody when I was younger would have sat me down and said, “If you take care of your partner, odds are they’ll take care of you. But you have to go first.”
Now, will I continue to put the work in as time wears on? I hope so.
