I was dumped recently.
Should you feel sorry for me? Sure, why not? I like attention. But here’s the good news. According to my single lady friends, the quality of men who are forty years old and single are a real horror show. So are most of the women, but I’m not worried. Crazy people find crazy people. And, thankfully, according to my therapist I’m not crazy. I pay her good money to re-confirm this opinion every week.
One thing I know for sure about dating – if you keep finding losers, or you keep getting dumped, it’s probably more your fault than theirs. But as long as you keep tweaking yourself and improving on your dysfunctions there’s a good chance you’ll start attracting higher quality partners. And that’s happened every time for me. With each relationship ending I end up with a better woman the next time around. Because I’m a better quality person today than I was a few years ago. Sure, I still get into a fistfight with a random nun every now and then (THOSEHABITSINFURIATEME), but nobody’s perfect. Plus, beating up a lady of God has nothing to do with opening a door for a date and I totally do all that chivalrous crap.
Allison Arnone and I talk to each other about our dating experiences all the time. I run a ton of ideas up the flagpole with her and take her advice seriously. Recently I was going to propose to a woman on date four (the old engagement ring I had custom made for the previous broad), and Allison suggested that I not proceed with this plan. Her exact words were, “Go drink arsenic instead, moron.” Okay, that story isn’t true, but this is a humor blog and I have to write a joke now and then. Allison does think I’m a moron, but I’m not going to propose to a prostitute on date four. I probably shouldn’t even be dating prostitutes. I mean, technically they’re escorts, but still.
That wasn’t true either. I date normal, boring women because I’m a normal, boring guy. Plus, regular non-escort women are expensive enough.
Who better to give dating advice than two people who are dating, like Allison and I? I’m going with nobody. And now we’re going to help you with your dating woes. Do you have hammer toe and refuse to take off your socks on the first date during a petting session? WE CAN HELP. Or maybe your girlfriend brought over a box of heavy flow pads and stuffed it under your bathroom sink without asking permission (ahem, Allison…). WE CAN HELP. If you’re a guy and taking bathroom shirt-off selfies to post to your Bumble profile and wondering why even total hags aren’t responding to your online advances, WE CAN HELP.
Oh, and by the way, we don’t charge anything for our advice. I know – I’m surprised, too!