I’m introducing a new and SO INSANELY EXCITING feature on my blog that you might literally have a coronary reading the very next sentence.
I have installed a timer to display the number of days, hours, and minutes since the last time my cat Pantaloons peed on the bed where I sleep. Right on this very blog.
I know. You just pissed yourself silly. That white dining room chair you recently upholstered is now a golden maize from your urine. Your husband told you that white stained easily. You didn’t listen. And now you have pee chair. Oh well. Make grandma sit there.
On the right hand side of the blog, near the bottom you’ll see the timer. Oh yeah, everything is better with a count-up timer. It’s like that deficit clock they used to have in NYC. Except this actually means something. Well, it’s something real to me. I woke up six days ago to my cat peeing at the foot of my bed, right near my feet. This was a dark moment in my life. It made it into my diary.
So, six days now she has been on the cat-ear Prozac. My ex-wife (a vet) told me to buy gloves so the Prozac doesn’t seep into my bloodstream. I figure if she takes it, I should take it too. Thus far she hasn’t peed. I also am feeling nothing but pure euphoria and ecstasy with each waking moment. Partly from the clean bed, partly from the SSRI.
If you’re not familiar with the Pantaloons bed-pee saga, just shoot over to the search box on the right and type in Pantaloons.
By the way, this is what happens when I don’t get home from band practice until very late, and realize I still hadn’t written today. I’ll try to leave you with something humorous AND clever. Let me think a sec… hmm… (five minutes have passed)
Okay, I found something. A visual gag to tie the whole piece together. Tomorrow when I’m rested I’ll tell a stronger tale.
Sonja Rois says:
Thanks. I just got so excited you made ME pee MY bed. Now I’m gonna have to take Prozac. Again.
On a serious note, how could you not love a snuggle-bug like her? Pee and all? She’s so beautiful.
D.J. Paris says:
@Sonja Rois She’s a great cat. Just dumb.
pdk117 says:
I thought I was going to pee my self laughing so hard. Great story.
D.J. Paris says:
@pdk117 Glad this one didn’t offend you with all my explitives. I know this sounds crazy, but since you’re such a great reader, whenever I use one I think, “Paul is not going to like this!”
SethMan321 says:
The only time I’ve ever seen a cat lying like that was when it was dead on the road. Are you sure she’s not a zombie? That would explain the peeing problem.
D.J. Paris says:
@SethMan321 She IS a zombie. Confirmed through testing in the lab this past Wednesday. Surprisingly, it’s working out.
MelodyBoals says:
Too cute! And your poor furniture! lol
D.J. Paris says:
@MelodyBoals Yes, please watch where you sit when I have you over for high tea.
CrazyTragicAlmostMagic says:
My cats sleep like that too. And Pantaloons is freaking adorable!!!
Martina says:
Pantaloon … now that’s quite the name! And that counter is a great idea (I need one for days since my dog ate cat poop … but it’d always be at zero). Hope the number of days keeps going up on yours.
D.J. Paris says:
It’s Pantaloons – please try to get it right. Don’t make me angry!
JustinBog says:
Pantaloon sounds lonely. Maybe Eartha Kitt’n, my diva feline, should start an iCatting session with Pantaloon — Eartha Kitt’n says she’s there in a special HissRoom after dark, if Pantaloon dares to enter. (She has a secret she wants to tell you.)
D.J. Paris says:
@JustinBog Amazing cat name. Disturbing comment following that.
Susie says:
Why have I never found your blog before? I will not be telling BoBo any of this so that he doesn’t think that his antics will be appearing on my blog! Well, they did once, but…
D.J. Paris says:
BoBo is busy planning to eat your eyeballs after you slip in the shower and break your neck.
Background Check says:
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Andi Roo says:
OMG that shit is funny. “Your husband told you that white stained easily. You didn’t listen. And now you have pee chair.” I don’t even know how to upholster furniture & this still cracked me up. Because my husband could very well have said something like this to me, only it would have been with a chair I bought, not one that I had worked on. Regardless, you are a funny, funny man. Thanks for the laugh!
PS. And yes, I did scroll down to the bottom to see if you were joshing about the timer. Epic.
Andi-Roo /// @theworld4realz
http://www.theworld4realz.com/
theworldforrealz@gmail.com
Pish Posh says:
Haha cute 🙂 It doesn’t look like you are giving birth so much as your happy cat is making you happy in a rub me in the right spot, you rub my head I’ll rub yours kinda way. Awkward…
D.J. Paris says:
@Pish Posh She’s a great cat with a messed up urinary tract. Kind of like this one girl I dated… Nevermind.
D.J. Paris says:
OMG that shit is funny. “Your husband told you that white stained easily. You didn’t listen. And now you have pee chair.” I don’t even know how to upholster furniture & this still cracked me up. Because my husband could very well have said something like this to me, only it would have been with a chair I bought, not one that I had worked on. Regardless, you are a funny, funny man. Thanks for the laugh!
PS. And yes, I did scroll down to the bottom to see if you were joshing about the timer. Epic.
Andi-Roo /// @theworld4realz
http://www.theworld4realz.com/
theworldforrealz@gmail.com
D.J. Paris says:
Fantastic article it is I already read your post. I think this post is very very important and valuable. check this @ http://tinyurl.com/7t5928a