This could not be more exciting as to be put on their official writing staff  is a very big deal to me. At first I was a lowly guest submitter hoping that they’d publish one of my articles. Next came being chosen for their Comic Relief Roster. This is the Junior Varsity team of AimingLow where you fill in when the regular writers miss a deadline. Well, after a long stint as a red-shirt (football expression I’m told) I now can proudly claim myself on their masthead. This comes at a good time, too, as the paper magazine I write for seems to be folding, sadly. They never let me do a lot of dick humor, though. AimingLow encourages it.

The grand  pooh-bah  is Anissa M, and if you haven’t heard of her, you should because she’s a total badass. Paralyzed on one side of her body she’s confined to a wheelchair, sees out of one eye, and types with one hand. Oh, and it is very difficult for her to talk. Plus, she raises three kids. And we freak out when the Starbucks runs out of creamer.

I don’t drink coffee, but I’m sure Starbucks runs out of milk and shit once in a while, right?

I got to meet Anissa at BlogHer 2012 and helped staff the Aiming Low Come as You Are party which was a blast. Her slogan is “Wheelchairs are the New Black” and if you tell her that you feel sorry she’s in a wheelchair or that she’s a hero to the  infirmed   she’ll punch you straight in the dickhead. The truth is, though, that she is a great inspiration to someone like me. Anissa has brought together some of the funniest people on the web and we all write and support each other. It’s a great example of what someone can create with a strong vision and purpose.

We held the AimingLow Non-Conference last fall and I was lucky enough to be ask to lead a roundtable discussion. I hope to be back for next year and I plan on doing a whole thing about “Writing Naked” while talking fully clothed (you thought I was going the other way with that, right? Fooled a mofo!).

The bottom line is that I’ll be publishing more often on AimingLow while still keeping up the same pace here. I also will be doing the weekly podcast and have the best of anthology book coming out in January. Plus, I might be going back to school to finally get my MBA. I’d like to hang some letters after my name to score with loose women. So, 2013 should be a busy but fulfilling year.

While I was typing this I just crossed over 40k Twitter followers. Sure, I bought my first 3.5k (as is shamefully well documented) but I earned the rest like a big boy.

This has turned into one large bragging session – oh well, please allow me this indulgence.

Lastly, I have written every word of this post standing up at my kitchen island. I saw a dude working like this online and I figured I’d give it a shot because I’m a strange fellow like him. I like it.

I can’t wait to have you tell me how great I am in 2013. I can only say so much to myself, you know.

Time to check in to see how badly you failed! Or succeeded. Whatever.

And we’re going to set a new goal – so if you’re new to the site, get ready to become more awesome.

That cat sack just effectively killed my appetite.

How Let’s Get Fixed Works

1. There is a theme each week where you can join in the crusade to not suck so hard.
2. In the comment section declare what you will accomplish this week.
3. In seven days I’ll write a follow up post and you can check in. Succeed and you’ll receive a virtual make-out session from me.
4. If you fail, well, you’re just human and everyone makes mistakes. Just kidding – we’ll goof on you. Hard.

Last Week Goal Check-In

I vowed to get information about going back to school for my MBA. Now, truth be told, I did this a few hours before writing the post tonight. Hey, I had a busy week – my girlfriend was in town for a bachelorette party. I had to take care of two chihuahuas (instead of one) and an insanely drunk woman last night. When she stumbled in she was surprisingly not wearing a penis hat, penis necklace or anything else penis-ornamental. Some women love to go for the dildo-themed bachelorette party – her friend did not. Probably a better call for the bride’s dignity.

So, I was a little busier than usual. But I did manage to sign up for three informational events from schools I’m looking at – hopefully since I have a title that sounds way more impressive than it is, I can get into the Executive MBA program. This means you don’t have to take the tests and such, which would be killer as I don’t want to ever look at a graphing calculator ever again. Well, unless you turn it upside down to spell out “boobs” – hilarious.

Digression over – I won the week’s challenge!

This Week’s Goal –  Gratitude

As I’ve progressed through therapy, I’ve realized that I’m a pretty dark mofo. Many would describe me as super-upbeat, smiley, and always laughing – much of that is true. However, by myself I tend to focus on what’s wrong, what’s missing, and where my life would be today if my first girlfriend hasn’t broken my heart, tore out my soul, and extinguished the flame of my love light! Just kidding – she was a dopey chick with good curls. Bitches don’t get over on me.

No, I was born this way. My big issue is that in the moments of anger, sadness, and fear, I forget everything that is good in my life. I’m not a depressive, but I tend to look on the “what sucks” side.

That needs to change.

For example, if I’m arguing with my girlfriend, in that moment of frustration I forget that this is the same person that rebuilt and organized my closet when I was out of town. That’s a big deal.

I think this insanity is a result of not being practiced in seeing what is  good. Part of is psychological too, and I have a shrink to aide with my silliness.

So, what’s the plan? Well, I’m turning to the time-honored practice of hitting my knees in the morning. Yeah, like the Catholics do in church during the wafer part. Which is so uncomfortable and boring. Just sit already. Yes, we’re all impressed with your kneeling. It’s so holy.

Now, I’m not doing this because God loves us kneeling before him. I hope that his ego isn’t that big, and he’s got more important things to get fixed that my stupid prayers. No, this isn’t an homage to the big guy – it’s a recognition of the people in my life that love and care for me AND all the great stuff I’m doing that should be acknowledged.

I asked my friend Bill, who I don’t think even believes in God, about the getting on your knees part. He’s one of the smartest guys I know and only does shit that get results. “Getting on your knees works. Not sure why. It does.”

I will hit my knees first thing in the morning and give thanks to the people in my life that rock, and for all I do that rocks.

It’s Your Turn

What, if you thought about it, would bring forth more gratitude in your life? I don’t mean deny the bad stuff – that’s just moronic. But can you honor both the dark and the light? Like, sure your Facebook stalker is kind of needy. But at least he think you’re hot! What is going well in your life that you forget because you get caught up in the gunk? Let’s get fixed this week and honor that good.

Tip – If you fail to see any good in your life, simply drive around your town and find someone who just looks like they blow. Point at them and chuckle to yourself. At least you’re not that bozo! You’ll feel instantly grateful.

Time to check in to see how badly you failed! Or succeeded. Whatever.

And we’re going to set a new goal – so if you’re new to the site, get ready to become more awesome.

Those cat balls are hauntingly beautiful.

How Let’s Get Fixed Works

1. There is a theme each week where you can join in our crusade to not suck so hard.
2. In the comment section declare what you will accomplish this week.
3. In seven days I’ll write a follow up post and you can check in. If you’ve succeeded you’ll receive a virtual make-out session from the rest of us.
4. If you fail, well, you’re just human and everyone makes mistakes. Just kidding – we’ll goof on you. Hard.

Last Week Goal Check-In

I promised not to criticize my girlfriend for a full seven days.  This is incredibly difficult as I know the best way to do everything. I could even improve upon how she brushes her teeth if she would only listen to me. I read an article about directional brushing that blew my mind apart. (No, I didn’t, but I lied and said I did).

I was batting 1.000 until this morning when she hit me with an unexpected whopper. She is going to start pursuing her MBA, something we had never discussed. I have no problem with that, of course, it’s that she wanted to do it without working a full-time gig during the program. And, had she $120k in the bank stashed from her days skimming drug money from the evidence room at the local precinct, I’d be into it. But, like the rest of us, this means loans. I  aggressively  tried to tell her that going to school full time is a stupid idea. In short, criticism.

Nine hours later I no longer believe it’s stupid. But that’s how long it takes me to realize I’m being an idiot. So, technically, I failed.

This Week’s Goal –  Finally Starting That Thing

As I was attempting to shame my girlfriend for deciding to go to grad school, I had an idea, “Hey, I too should finally go to grad school!” You would have thought that would have stopped me from yelling at her. It did not. Anyway, my mom, dad, and sister all have graduate degrees. Most of my friends do, too. I should have done this long ago, and I’ve never met someone that said their MBA was a waste of time.

I manage a pretty big sales force and do all our marketing, and the skills would help me to build the business a lot faster.

But, I know nothing about MBAs. Do I have to take that GMAT thing? I really hope not – the math section terrifies me. I hope I can just show up in a tight sweater and flutter my eyes at the admissions person. I’m good at that. Here’s my declaration.

Within seven days, I will learn about the graduate programs in Chicago and the requirements to get in.

It’s Your Turn

What have you been putting off that you’ve wanted to learn/do? Remember that time you were really into stamping? God, I hope you didn’t just answer “yes.” Scrapbooking also applies. Anyway, pick something fun/challenging that would be a new experience, and declare that you will take the next step.

Also, check in from last week about you being a critical dick! Were you less of a dick? And if you’re name is Dick, does your wife ever say, “Dick!” and you’re not sure if she’s calling you one or just calling for you?