I made both a strategic and tactical error recently.
The interesting part of both of these mistakes is that they were accidental and unnoticed. The first instance happened at the grocery this weekend. Like a mother of four I now take weekly trips to the supermarket. Mostly to get more yogurt. Instead of buying only five at a time, I should purchase thirty. This is akin my desire to own thirty pairs of boxer briefs. It’s just good planning.
I made my way to the lady-infested dairy aisle, found the Greek yogurt with the whey crap, and loaded up into the cart. I don’t know why pumping it full of more protein makes it Greek, but whatever. I’ve never been to a Greek restaurant with the swarthy waiter telling me, “Our yogurt of the day is kiwi-apple. Highly recommended.”
The strategic error at the store was not paying attention to the flavors. I have this wild assumption that since most people aren’t psychopaths, you wouldn’t consciously choose plain yogurt. I presume you’d only buy it if you’re cooking with it or something. That white stuff you put on gyros and such.
Plain yogurt should be in a separate area, like with all the baking goods. And, yes, I know they don’t have refrigeration over there, but I once left a yogurt sit out overnight and I ate it the next morning and didn’t get worms. It was fine.
I must have accidentally thrown at least one plain yogurt into my cart. It’s amazing how much range yogurt has. Just by adding a little artificial blueberry flavoring it becomes delicious. Plain stuff, though, tastes like death. If you eat yogurt regularly the idea of a plain one not only disgusts you but actually offends you. It’s the popcorn Jelly Belly of dairy. Sure you can find someone with a personality disorder who prefers that flavor, but they’re heavily medicated and not to be trusted.
Strategic error – I wasn’t paying attention to what I pulled out of the fridge this morning.
Since I didn’t know I had a plain one I pulled a random yogurt from inside and tossed it on the counter. I like tossing food around since I’m an adult and have my own place and my mom can’t tell me to knock it off.
Yogurt is still a new food for me. I never had it growing up, and up until recently eschewed milk and related stuff. I read a book twenty years ago that said milk and yogurt were some of the worst stuff to put in your body. So I literally stopped. Well, I decided to come back! You know, just for fun. I wish I had a better explanation. But that’s the reason.
As I opened the yogurt lid this morning I noticed it was all-white. Normally there’s a color to it, you know – blue, red, yellow. I thought, “Oh cool – they got rid of the color! I miss Crystal Pepsi!”
Obviously you know what happened next. I was first surprised, then disgusted, and finally determined. Being a true man, I vowed to finish the plain yogurt.
I made it about a third in and had to stop. My body could only take so much. I’m not half-cyborg. Wait – cyborgs don’t eat. Okay, raccoon. I’m not half-raccoon!
So, this is how my mind thinks. Since I made this mistake, albeit unintentionally, I couldn’t just throw it out. Now it’s a challenge to beat the yogurt. If I toss it, it wins. Plus, it will make my garbage all stinky, and nobody wants that.
I would love to say that I’ll report back tomorrow, but does anyone want to read another 658 words on the second half of my plain yogurt experience? I’m hoping the answer is “no.”
Actually, I’m hoping the answer is “yes” so I don’t have to think about what to write tomorrow.
kimberlynr says:
That is hilarious. Mostly due to the fact that I have had very similar experiences.. and yes it tastes like death, perhaps a long lasting death, prolonged by eating stuff they say is more healthy.
D.J. Paris says:
kimberlynr Plain yogurt is the non-candy equivalent to a Charleston Chew – you will not enjoy the process. Thanks for reading. Comment more, Kimizzle!
sbattey says:
I don’t know if this is appropriate, but in reference to the photo: that activity is mortifying. Seriously. I’m not sure which is worse….scabby, bleeding balls or hairy ones. Personally I’ve never been offended by hairy balls….maybe I’m weird. Plain yogurt sucks too. Put that shit in a blender with some strawberries and a banana and blend that shit into a smoothie. That will teach it not to be so disgusting.
D.J. Paris says:
sbattey That photo just popped up randomly during a search for Crystal Pepsi. It is one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.
NorellLestinaShute says:
If this horrible mistake ever happens to you again, try putting some honey in it. It’s magic!! We buy plain Greek yogurt all the time now and just add some honey, stir and eat. Much cheaper and no more standing in the yogurt aisle for 1/2 hour trying to decide what flavor I want.
D.J. Paris says:
NorellLestinaShute Another honey lover. Fine – message received! Honey it is!
quirkysnowflake says:
@tfpHumorBlog Definitely add honey and fresh fruit to it if you ever find yourself in this situation again. It will make it bearable.
D.J. Paris says:
quirkysnowflake Honey is a weird thing to have laying around since it’s used in about three cooking dishes and nothing else. Will try!
Katjaneway says:
I make my own yogurt and prefer to add splenda or truvia. It makes it much better. Or honey, if you could give a rats ass about your intake lol. I bought a jar of apriocot preserves and mix that in. And, it’s not that they “add” more protein, but technically, Greek is yogurt “concentrate”. You can make it by making a batch of plain yogurt, and then using a tea towel to strain it in the fridge overnight to separate the whey. And boom – Greek Yogurt.
D.J. Paris says:
Katjaneway I had no idea that Greeks could do stuff! Thanks.
GinaAdams says:
I’m not heavily medicated, I can be trusted, but I must have a personality disorder because the Popcorn flavored Jelly Belly’s are my fav! LOL. Great post! http://www.gkadams.com/
D.J. Paris says:
GinaAdams Popcorn Jelly Bellies are funny – nobody just half-likes them. They’re either someone’s favorite or most hated. I’m still amazed our taste buds can be that different. When you eat a fruity one, do you want to vomit?
Natalie the Singingfool says:
Here is how you handle the situation: man up and add flavor. Honey, cinnamon, Pepto Bismal – whatever. Think of it as a blank canvas, like when you used to add every flavor at the soda machine to make a monstrous vomity-concoction of a beverage. Don’t deny that you did that – EVERY kid does it at least once.I don’t know if I’m being very persuasive, here.
Natalie the Singingfool says:
Here is how you handle the situation: man up and add flavor. Honey, cinnamon, Pepto Bismol – whatever. The point is, it’s like a blank canvas. Like adding every flavor from the soda machine as a kid to make a vomity-concoction. Don’t deny doing that – EVERY kid has done it at least once.I don’t know how persuasive I’m being here…
D.J. Paris says:
Natalie the Singingfool It’s not exactly a blank canvas – it’s more a urine colored canvas. Then you have to do something with the yellow to get the painting to turn out right. But yes, I do add berries and stuff. It’s actually not the taste but the intensity. I have the same thing with ricotta cheese and cheesecake. It makes me sick. I’m weird.
Kelly Fox says:
I completely LOL’ed at the I did not get worms line. Priceless.
D.J. Paris says:
Kelly Fox Nobody ever says “You’re going to get worms” anymore and there isn’t anything more hilarious, in my opinion.
jessica2 says:
I am a huge fan of the popcorn flavored beans of which you speak. Simply because they are so terribly wrong. They are as non-organic as this little Nor Cal can get and that’s worth something. Also they make my heart sing.
D.J. Paris says:
jessica2 I bet you also like Whoppers, the most vile consistency on the planet.
jessica2 says:
tfpHumorBlog jessica2 You bet wrong. No fast food for me, but Hostess. I lit a candle for that dead empire.
Brenda says:
Very funny story! Personally I don’t eat yogurt. Shhhh( It’s against my religion!!!) maybe you could have tried a dash of cinnamon. BTW honey keeps forever and you can store it in a cupboard. I used to live near an apiary.