My girlfriend will tell you she’s my #1 fan. My friends say the same. The parents brag about how funny I am. They’re most likely being more nice than anything. And they’re not my true biggest fans.
Well, at least not anymore.
I’ve always been secretly jealous of women who have stalkers. And every woman has pretty much has had one solid creep. I’m sure I’ve been that creep to someone. Not in reality, but at least in their mind. I recently had a woman think I was stalking her and her family on Google+. True, she’s an obvious wack-job, but I’m sure she’s telling her friends that I’m a stalker.
Anyway, I now can say I have my first superfan and potential first stalker!
I can’t tell you how excited I am. Wait, I can tell you. I’m so excited!
Now, I’m being really unfair to this woman. My self-esteem is just way too low to think anyone would think like me this much in a non-psycho way. I hope she doesn’t turn into someone crazy. I hope she becomes my biographer. I could use someone that writes about me. Let’s start at the time I was terrified to go to Darla Johnson’s pottery birthday party because I thought I would be the only boy there in kindergarden. That wound has never healed.
Anyway. Here’s a note I got this morning and my reply.
That means this broad read over 100k words of mine. Everything I ever wrote. That’s pretty awesome.
She’s getting a ThoughtsFromParis piece of clothing. I sincerely hope she is a man’s large, as it is all I have.
Oh, and all you so-called “fans” – you now have competition. Get to reading!
Kristi says:
I’m jealous of you for having such a commited stalker, and of her for having all that free time on her hands!
D.J. Paris says:
She really ought to go on my Christmas card list this year.
Cillymom says:
Awesome!
D.J. Paris says:
@Cillymom It truly is.
Corporate Wife says:
Please be careful! She could be one of those paid Twitter followers.
D.J. Paris says:
@Corporate Wife Brilliant comment. Well done!
Katjaneway says:
Hey, I know what it’s like to have a stalker. I mean, be a stalker. I mean- wait, what was I saying? 😉 Most stalkers are perfectly harmless. But be careful that you don’t turn into a Lifetime movie where the woman that loves you tries to kill you. I’ve never understood that, myself. Seems kind of… backwards, don’t you think?
D.J. Paris says:
@Katjaneway I would want Meredith Baxter Birney to play me. Yes.
shy_one96 says:
HEY I read all 100k words,and by read I mean I clicked on a lot of stuff and then I strayed to pinterest and then twitter and facebook then back to clicking on your blog and then I had a cookie and coffee. (side note: that was the best run on sentence I have written in a while my best friend would be proud.) My husband said I am a wonderful stalker. He should know I followed him for 2 years until he agreed to date me. That was 16 years ago. Now I mostly just hide from him ya know and read blog posts and tweet and pin and facebook. OH my baby cheesus I have NO FRACKIN LIFE. Can I be your back up stalker in case your first stalker gets sick or I don’t know has to shower?
D.J. Paris says:
@shy_one96 You are fascinating. Also a little scary. It’s a good combo. Welcome aboard!
ksmith228 says:
I’ve read a good deal of this blog since I started reading it a few weeks ago. I can honestly say I haven’t read it all, nor do I intend to. It doesn’t mean I’m not a fan. It just means I’m not a psycho fan. Sorry.
D.J. Paris says:
@ksmith228 oh, you’re NOT a psycho? Yes, that is disappointing.
CristinBarry says:
Alas, I am not a paid twitter follower. I’m an insomniac stay at home mother who loves humor! But if you want, D.J., I could pretend to be all Kathy Bates. Just don’t write anything that’s oogey cockadoodie….
Banana Stickers says:
@CristinBarry Where on earth do you get your ritalin? I would kill for that kind of focus.
D.J. Paris says:
@Banana Stickers @CristinBarry Any competent physician can get you some. Just act like a spaz.
D.J. Paris says:
@CristinBarry I read the book years ago, and when she cuts off the leg and he has to use a lighter to cauterize the wound… That… That affected me.
alaina says:
Hide your pet rabbit.
D.J. Paris says:
You know, I should probably hide the rabbit in a big stew pot. She’s never think to look there!
OldDogNewTits says:
I’ve had two women say something similar when they first signed on. They were asking me about stuff I wrote last September like it happened yesterday. I had to go back and re-read my own blog to get my facts straight. Now, they’re two of my favorite readers.
I wouldn’t worry, DJ. I’ll bet this chick’s awesome. After all, you two clearly have the same sense of humor, right? Cristin, come visit me anytime. I have a cat you can boil. He’s an asshole anyway.
D.J. Paris says:
Stop poaching my readers, new boobs! Or at least do the honorable thing and show us your boobs. In fact, yes, just do that. Like now. Like right now.
Jessica_thereader says:
I hope all of your big fans are donating to Anti-Cruelty!! You are so close to your goal!!!!
D.J. Paris says:
@Jessica_thereader Thanks to them I did hit the goal!
NeoMe says:
Hey…I did that too, read your ENTIRE blog in one sitting!! Where my props at?!?! 😉 Ooo, and bonus props too, my husband sat beside me, me on the PC and him on laptop, he was thoroughly annoyed at my fascination, my laughing out loud as I elbowed him at times to “read this” or “read that!” His words, “there are hundreds of blogs out there just like that.” I beg to differ, the difference between you and the countless others…your blog ROCKS! Your story telling is so candid and colorful, how can that make anything you write NOT interesting to read?! Thank you & keep ’em coming.
D.J. Paris says:
Wow! I’m so grateful and amazed you would do that. I’ll just keep writing, I guess. Also, passing wind. I pass lots of wind.
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom says:
That’s pretty stellar! Just make sure you sleep with one eye open. Just in case…
AdamBritten says:
@Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom Haha exactly! But congrats on having a “superfan.” Now, let them multiply!
D.J. Paris says:
@AdamBritten @Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom I do hope they all fornicate. It’s a fantasy of mine.
D.J. Paris says:
@Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom I should probably not use my lazy eye for that one.
EKyARD says:
@RachelintheOC @tfpHumorBlog. Im sorry. But the guys in white from the nut house just nabbed her. Book’em. Dano !
RachelintheOC says:
@EKyARD @tfpHumorBlog yea she must be crazy to read about him eating his skin tag & still lurve him. #shivers
Andi Roo says:
I recently blogged about what I’ll do when I start picking up Haterz, but it never occurred to me someone could actually LOVE me! Dude — I totally want a stalker now! What do I have to do?
“oogey cockadoodie….” — your stalker is fkn cool.
D.J. Paris says:
@Andi Roo Um.. write decent stuff? (oh yeah! I went there!) I will continue to goof on you until you formally invite me on your podcast.
luckyocotillo says:
@tfpHumorBlog Now all you need is 1000 more and you can quit your day job.
D.J. Paris says:
@luckyocotillo You are SO right. Then I can take a dump on the boss’s desk and show him who’s boss! Who’s the boss now, boss?!
LadyJWanderlust says:
@tfpHumorBlog Um, kind of awesome! My “super fan” is probably my mom and that’s a little embarrassing.
D.J. Paris says:
@ladyjwanderlust Actually, you mom is a bigger fan of my work. Sorry.
LadyJWanderlust says:
@tfpHumorBlog That two-timing hussy! Yes, your blog is very funny. I read it yesterday. Loved the Father’s Day entry.
D.J. Paris says:
@ladyjwanderlust I would appreciate it if you wouldn’t talk about your mother (of my cherished fans) that way.
Michelle says:
I have to admit, I have also considered reading your entire blog, but I couldn’t do it from current to oldest. I would have to start at the beginning and work my way through it in the order in which it was written. And the anal OCD part of me can’t get over the fact that she read the whole thing BACKWARDS. That’s serious devotion, there! And a little whackadoodle. And the whackadoodle is because of the backwards thing. Totally.
And I’m commenting on this almost two years after it was relevant. That’s what makes me whackadoodle.