I had forgotten that this happened.
Timestamp – September 6th, 2006.
Back when I had just started dating my future ex-wife I used to take a lot of baths. She had a condo and lived a few blocks from me. To help with the mortgage I acquired a roommate. This made sense as I spent nearly all of my time over at Christina’s place. Within months I had made myself at home (her home).
I would leave work at 5pm, take the subway home to my place, change quickly as to avoid my roommate (who swore he was the inspiration for Turtle on Entourage – I’m not kidding. He really believed this), and walked over to my girlfriend’s condo. It’s not that I disliked the roommate, I just had no need to talk with him. He was enjoying a large condo with all the amenities provided by me for little rent. Plus, I was never there. He had it good. I can’t remember his name, and I’m proud of this. He’s an architect, I think.
Anyway, I would unwind with a soak in her generously sized bathtub. See, I don’t drink or use drugs so I couldn’t just pour myself a highball of whiskey and melt away the stress. I used hot water, instead. It’s not much different, actually. I mean, one’s better for your liver and all, but it’s still an escape. I like escape.
So, one night I was doing what I normally did (take a bath and eat ice cream and read a book simultaneously), and Christina came in to use the bathroom. Now, I have a strict you-better-not-go-to-the-bathroom-in-front-of-me policy, but I’m at her place. With one bathroom. Her rules were different than mine. I don’t think she was cool with squatting over the garbage disposal.
I protested and asked her to hold it. She told me to fuck off. As she sat down mere inches from me she looked my way. What she saw made her laugh. Hard.
She finished her business and ran to the living room. She was back a moment later with our camera. Christina asked me to smile.
I had enough good sense and intelligence to cover up my wang with my arm before the shutter dropped. She took a few more snaps and then left the bathroom. I went back to reading my book.
Christina forwarded the photos to me and later that evening in bed we had a good laugh. I, without putting any deliberation into it, sent them over to a bunch of family and friends. I thought this was hilarious.
What I should have done was examine the photos more closely. I had forgotten a part of my body that was deserved of being covered went uncovered. My balls.
Yep, there they were, captured via digital pixels. Also unsubmerged.
The only reason I know this even happened is that my friend Suzanne sent me a message alerting me to this unintentional gaffe.
Even the more funny, I now had unwittingly sent my nards to probably a dozen people. My girlfriend found no humor in this whatsoever. She was plenty pissed.
That was the last nude photo taken of me. I don’t think I’ll be participating in this kind of photography again, even as a joke. Yes, I did a video blog from the tub last year. I also won’t be doing that, either. I just watched it again – man did that come out creepy!
Suzanne was nice enough to remind me of this whole incident the other day and kept the photos for seven years. Here you go.
Melissa Jane Moore says:
Yow.
D.J. Paris says:
Please stop yourself from getting too turned on. Seriously, I know it’s impossible not to. Sorry.
Lovelyn says:
I can’t believe you didn’t examine the picture more closely before sending it to people! How embarrassing. That said, I’ve done my fair share of embarrassing things in the past, luckily none of mine involved nards though.
D.J. Paris says:
Oh, it’s just my balls. They’re not that bad. (Yes they are)
Dino Dogan says:
blah ha ha ha ha #SpilledMyCoffee
Kate Hall says:
OH MY GOSH! I’m dying! That is SO funny! How could you not see what you were sending??? Hilarious!
D.J. Paris says:
I just submitted my new Apple version to the App Store so I get to go through this process all over again. Can’t wait to get rejected for something stupid.
Killian says:
Nothing worse than unintentional floaters in the bathtub.
D.J. Paris says:
Mine don’t float. They’re too big. BOOM!
AlwaysARedhead says:
I would have laughed and laughed about it. Life is far too short to be worried about who saw your balls or not! lol
D.J. Paris says:
Plenty of people have seen my balls. And plenty have vomited.
Lui G says:
That is really funny, not just the nards being shown in the picture, but also the fact that you even decided to send your naked picture to friends and family.
D.J. Paris says:
I know – I should probably have more shame about this.
Katjaneway says:
My only question is: What book were you reading? lol
D.J. Paris says:
Hmm – good question. Probably something by James Joyce.
Just kidding. It was Hustler June 2006.
Kristina says:
Hahahaha… there’s a lot of confidence in forwarding tub pictures to family/friends. Particularly ones you didn’t look at very carefully. Hilarious!
Kristina says:
Also, if that’s your general bowl positioning, I want to know if you ever wound up with ice cream in your bathwater.
D.J. Paris says:
Ice cream in the bathwater? GROSS. You sir have gone too far. Stop being gross!
meeshie says:
The expression that says ‘oh my god are you doing this?’ coupled with the awkward smile totally make this worth money. Though, I suppose, nad pictures are always auction ready. 😉
D.J. Paris says:
Nice – I should sell it! Ebay, here I come. Or maybe Etsy. Yeah, Etsy.
Megly Mc says:
If I were your balls, I’d be seriously pissed that you had such casual disregard. 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
My balls are my business, Meg. STOP JUDGING ME.
Frankie Laursen says:
I really don’t understand this. How do you eat the ice cream if you’re holding a book? Gulp, I had to look at the photo more carefully to notice that you have the bowl balanced on your knee and a spoon in your right hand. Have you ever knocked the ice cream into the tub? It’s disturbing how I want to keep looking at the photo to analyze every detail. Okay, I’m done now. Going to look at photos of my kids to try to get that image out of my head.
D.J. Paris says:
You really can’t look away. I’m like the Mona Lisa. With censored balls.
Monica says:
Generously sized bathtub? Who cares about the balls, and the ice cream bowl balancing act, the tub is miniature. What book?
D.J. Paris says:
I know – that tub was tiny. I have no idea what I was reading – probably a harlequin romance novel set in the 19th century deep south. (that’s how I do)
becky says:
Well, i have no words.
D.J. Paris says:
Maybe you could use symbols or grunts? I completely understand, by the way.
Eleanorjane says:
8 pack or not, you were quite cute in that pic! I’d forgive the accidental nards bit, if I wasn’t related to you! (Luckily I’m not and you’ve thoughtfully censored the pic so all is well)
D.J. Paris says:
Wait – I’m confused. Are we related? And, if so, am I in your will? (please say yes)
ansohvoy burges says:
i loved that naked pic but the X was not necessary i wanted to see all of you, i like the naked ice cream bath tub i would have liked to join you in that tub
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks for the reply and I sincerely hope you’re a chick.
LauraATX says:
How did you marry someone that didn’t find the humor in that????
D.J. Paris says:
Well, we divorced a few years later, so maybe it wasn’t meant to be. Ha!