As many of you know I don’t drink, smoke, or use drugs.
About three years ago I even gave up caffeine. While never a coffee or soda drinker (we grew up saying “soft drinks” because “soda” was too low-class), I got hooked on energy drinks. I was engaged at the time and my fiance thought it was cute that I had this one vice. Harmless, right?
Well, not really. Back then, I responded pretty hard to caffeine. It would get me high. Now, not as bad as a crank abuser shooting ice between their toes. I wouldn’t hear colors or watch the wall breathe but I did get a wicked endorphin rush.
I also turned into a bit of a jerk.
Caffeine had two additional side effects – it removed all empathy I had for human beings and decreased the tiny bit of patience I possessed. This is a deadly combination of jackass.
I would turn into a chatterbox and endlessly wax philosophic until my poor woman wanted to hang herself. She wasn’t as talkative and just wanted me to shut the fuck up. Since I had ginseng, B vitamins, and 1000mg of caffeine coursing through my pancreas, all I could do was express every thought as it arose. And it also gave me the false sense of brilliance. My girlfriend would grow tired of me and I would get furious that she didn’t want to stay up until midnight discussing whether we truly have free will about our feelings.
We would get into horrific fights and she’d blame it on the caffeine. She was right to do so.
So, I quit. I’ve lived off of Fresca and water for years now. No caffeine. Just me and sobriety. Peaceful.
Then, a few days back one of the Jewish fellows in the office brought in a two-liter of kosher Coke. It’s a different formula in that it contains real sugar as opposed to artificial sweeteners. In a moment of weakness I poured a cup. Ten minutes later the rush hit me. I was back, baby! Like a junkie I needed more.
I managed to hold off until this weekend and for fun decided to take a caffeine vacation. Whereas most people would take a break from caffeine I decided to hit it full throttle over the Easter break. Enjoy myself.
Something has changed in how it affects me, however. I don’t know if it’s the four years of therapy or if my body has changed or whether I’ve been healed by Shiva, but my body reacts totally differently to caffeine. Yes, I still get the endorphin rush and sense of well-being. But now, I can laser focus like you would not believe on work tasks. I had my most productive day this year today. I’m sort of a creative spaz – great at ideas, terrible at organization and details. Today I was all about prioritization. I managed to organize the next month of tasks and I only stopped to eat some ham and turkey. Gotta protein up, you know.
I did notice one downside – my creativity decreased to almost nil. Normally I come up with good jokes, tweets, and ribald boners throughout the day. Not today!
But, I wasn’t a jerk! Well, actually, this guy on the bus kept insisting that I was a celebrity and that he’d seen me on television. After a minute of not convincing him I just put my earbuds back in while he was in mid-sentence. Inside I was proud, however, to be mistaken for somebody famous. Ha.
Oh, and caffeine makes you pee a lot. Sort of forgot about that. Damn diuretic!
In fact, right now I’m stoned to the gills on energy drinks. I got a mighty buzz and the ability to see every pixel as I type. But no good jokes. It’s a creative killer.
Also, I’m afraid of getting addicted to this feeling. I don’t want to be a daily caffeine person. The withdrawals are brutal. Also, that means I will suck at work if Walgreens runs out of RockStar Zero Carb Blueberry Extra Intense Power Surge Nectar Explosion Juice.
So, my caffeine vacation will be coming to an end shortly. I need my creativity and I’ll just fight against my inability to concentrate. Or maybe I’ll have my doctor hook me up with some ADD meds. You get the same buzz, I hear. Then it’s not an addiction. It’s a prescription!
photo credit: International Man of Conundrums via photopin cc
Jessica Nettles says:
Be careful. The jerk factor could return, or even worse, the energy drinks could really wreck your health. I am a lifelong coffee drinker, but I never hit the energy drinks. They are too much of everything and have ingredients on top of the usual sugar and caffeine that make them dangerous. I’d hate to lose a favorite blogger because he succumbed to the energy drink monster.
And yes, I’ve gone all mom on you. Sue me.
D.J. Paris says:
Well, I have to be careful on the health issue. All those chemicals probably aren’t ideal for the system. Plus, it’s stimulant overload! And thanks, mom!!!
Diane @ Me, Him And The Cats says:
I am addicted to Coca Cola – although I will drink pepsi in a pinch (or if it is on sale cheaper than coke). In january i decided to switch to the Caffine free versions of cola and although I was cranky the first few days, I realized i wasn’t addicted to the caffine – it is the sugar! I hate the taste of diet, so im just trying to cut back on the amount of caffine free soda I drink.
D.J. Paris says:
My parents have a few caffeine free sodas a month. Nobody in my family really does caffeine. Sugar is the devil to me. I love it so much. I have to stop! I lost 2.6 lbs yesterday just by cutting calories to a reasonable amount. 18.4 lbs to go to my target!
Mae says:
I’m actually trying to wean myself off of coffee… as soon as I finish these two bags of amazing Hawaiian Coffee (I live in Hawaii)…
But man, I so enjoyed reading this post.
Get your ideas back! Creativity is just as important as execution. If you can’t focus and come up with ideas, you got nothing to execute, yeah? Awesome.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks, Mae!!!
Well, as I read back the post I am actually very happy with it. I like how it came out. Again, thanks for the kind words.
Alana (@RamblinGarden) says:
My (for what it is worth) 2 cents – coffee good. Energy drinks bad. There is another Ultimate Blog Challenge participant, Roy Ackerman, who wrote recently about the origins of the caffeine in energy drinks. By the way, by “Jewish Coke” do you mean kosher for Passover? Because now that Passover is over (well, tomorrow ) you may not be finding that Coke with sugar – it’s a “Passover thing” because corn syrup is a no-no at that time- you might have to switch to Mexican Coca-Cola.
D.J. Paris says:
I work with a lot of Jews so I know all about Passover – I will tell you the sugar-based Coke is so much better than the high fructose stuff. Amazing!
Karren Haller says:
D.J. I ca tell your writing was under the influence, like Alana said, coffee good, energy drinks are very very bad, they have even caused death. coffee has been around since the thirteenth century so for me, taking this into consideration, means its safer. So go for the coffee, and besides it does not,(unless added) the sugar or high fructose corn syrups. Stopping by from UBC. Good luck in your challenge
D.J. Paris says:
Yeah, I just don’t want coffee breath and stained teeth! Ha! No, I’m getting off the energy drinks. Caffeine in general is simply too potent for me. I need a clean body. 🙂
Andrea says:
One day I tried an energy drink….nothing….then another…wait for it, wait for it…insomnia. I’m a big coffee drinker, I’m sure it’s just as frontal lobe probing as ADD meds. In fact, I once heard a pediatrician recommend a small dose of tea or caffeine in a.m. For young ADHD patients ( not my doc). Whatever, my 9 yo has ADD, he takes a small dose to get through school. Not the point still. I’m sure there’s a fine line between productive creativity and mania. I’ve been there, it happens when you look back on a blog post you plowed through. No regrets. We should probably just juice. Maybe tomorrow night I’ll throw a bottle of wine in the juicer (putting in my tweet draft folder as we speak).
D.J. Paris says:
Wine juicing is just grapes, remember. Healthy! Or not – no idea. I’m not a nutritionist. Ha!
Dave says:
So you don’t drink, smoke, or use caffeine? What’s your vice? I don’t do any of the these either, but I’m addicted to Angry Birds. I have a similar reaction to caffeine. I remember the first time I had a lot of coffee with some friends at a Denny’s one night. I came home and was shaking. I wanted to sleep so bad, but all I could do was stare at the wall.
Ashley Z says:
Yeah, caffeine definitely sounds like it is your adderall Paris. Pretty great when you have to get a load of work or cleaning done, but not so good for conversing or being creative. Just make sure you don’t have meetings on the days you take it 🙂
Small Footprints says:
I love coffee … practically grew up on the stuff. But … (and it’s a HUGE BUT) … it can have serious physical side affects. I used to drink the stuff all day long … heck, I actually cleaned house with a cup in one hand. Then, one day, I sat down to enjoy yet another cup and … I couldn’t get back up out of the chair. My legs wouldn’t work. I was only 22 and in good shape and this scared me. The doctor said that my problem was the caffeine. It wound me up and then slammed me down … and when it slammed me down, it rendered my muscles useless. Basically, for a good hour, I was unable to move. That did it for me. I have no more than 1 cup a day now. The rest of the day … water. So … be careful!
StuntedAdults says:
Well, my child, with great power, comes great responsibility. A little energy drink never hurt anyone (except for Britney Spears and Lindsay Lohan, but, let’s be honest, their ships were going down long before the bull got on board), and, in your case, it seems to help you in certain situations. I think you should always keep one in the house — maybe inside of a glass case with a little metal hammer attached to it — to be used only in cases of emergency.
Also, what would your family think of the fact that I grew up calling soda “pop”? I have a feeling that term is so low class that they have never even heard of it.
Liz says:
Hi- I adore coffee, but I have noticed that in my pre-coffee days (tea only, and even then not always) I was a lot more creative than I am now. You’ve given me the idea that I might try dropping coffee and caffeinated drinks for a while and see what happens.
Jean says:
If you still have it in you to quit, do so now! I have a full-blown coffee addiction, and the days I don’t have any are very lackluster. I think besides the caffeine itself, you can get addicted/used to the ritual of drinking your [insert caffeinated beverage]–that might be harder to break than the drink itself because it just feels like you are supposed to be doing it to feel normal.
Kosher coke sounds pretty cool, though. Is it like Mexican coke? Oh my. Be well.
Lochstar says:
I have no problems with ribald boners throughout my day, caffeinated or not. It’s the inopportune ones that crimp my style.