At BlogHer I attended a half-day session hosted by the wonderful MomoFali and DebOnTheRocks.
Near the end we were allowed to ask the entire group for something we needed. Then a member would raise their hand to promise assistance to that person. One woman, Annie, said she needed to learn how to become more funny. Nobody raised their hand. Deb poked me hard in the ribs and I yelped. I gave Annie my card.
Up until this morning I had completely forgotten that I had pledged this help. I only usually help myself. Usually to cookies.
Annie sent me a very sweet email with compliments (a great thing to do before asking for a favor) and then reminded me I had promised to make her funnier. I had no plan or any idea how to do this. She recommended I rewrite one of her posts.
I asked her to send over one – her choice.
First, let’s read her post originally seen on PeachPrenni
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Got a Swarm?
My husband found a hornet’s nest in the ground this weekend and decided to spray it. We now have a swarm of angry hornets hovering over their old hole. It’s kind of a pain because I have to worry about the kids and the dogs going out into the yard and getting stung, but it reminds me of a very funny conversation I had with my bestie Allie over the summer…
Me: “What are you guys up to today?”
Allie: “Ugh! Just trying to keep the kids busy inside because we have a swarm out back.”
Me: “You have a what?”
Allie: “A swarm.”
Me: “What’s that?”
Alie: “A swarm of bees that lost their hive.”
Me: “I’ve never heard of such a thing.”
Allie: “Ya–it’s pretty common but it’s a pain in the ass because they’ve been swarming around our backyard for days and I can’t let the kids out to play.”
Me: “So what are you supposed to do?”
Allie: “I called a guy; he’s gonna come by this afternoon because he has to relocate a Queen to Loveland anyway…”
Me: “What?”
Allie: “He’s a Beekeeper–that’s what he does.”
Me: “Did you find him in the Yellow Pages–I’ve never heard of such a thing!”
Allie: “Annie–you’re so naive…”
Lol. Have you heard of this problem before–am I the only one? I didn’t even known there was a “guy” to call. Allie–I’m feeling your pain…we have a swarm!
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My turn…
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Got a Swarm?
I overcame my fear of bees at twelve years old when I witnessed my friend petting the back of one nesting in a flower. Hornets, however, will never stop terrifying me. I’m sure they perform some important ecological function other than stinging and building evil- looking hives. Here’s how scary hornets are – you’ve never met anyone who’s been stung by one. But just the thought of getting within five feet of a hive makes me sweat.
Well, we have one in our yard. Awesome.
Thankfully, it’s in the ground. Technically it was in the ground. My husband bought some spray and it killed the hive part. The hornets, however, must have been out stinging nuns or something because they all came back later that day to find their home decimated. So now they just hover over where the hive used to be. Mission uncomplished.
Now, I don’t give a shit if the Johnson neighbor boy throws his football in our yard and comes over and gets stung six times. Ain’t mine. But I can’t exactly have my kids on the Slip n’ Slide with pissed off hornets flying around looking for their hive. I don’t have that much Bactine.
So, the kids are now inside the house which really sucks. Normally, I just shove ’em out after breakfast. They’re perfectly happy digging around in the grass and stepping on dog poop. Yeah, they don’t exactly test well, but we’re hopeful for a trade school after they graduate. Fingers crossed.
Since I don’t like the kids to see me pour the first tumbler of white zin at 2pm I needed to fix this yard thing and get them back out with the worms. Thankfully there are professionals for this. It’s a pied piper sort of thing. I called this guy who pops over with in a sting-suit and lulls hornets into a trap. Then he drives away and they never come back. $200.
I’m glad the yard is back to normal and the hornets have relocated somewhere far away. I just hope they’ve rebuilt the hive and went back to their hornet-doings. Or maybe the suit-guy just kills them all ’cause that’s what gets him off. Whatever.
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Okay, that was a fun experiment. While I will not claim what I wrote was funnier, I did “D.J” it up. Anything with more D.J. is great in my book.
If you like this idea and would like me to rewrite your crappy posts, please let me know. Oh, and if anyone tries to rewrite mine, I’m going to sue. SUE!
prennifive says:
YOU ARE AWESOME!!! I love it!!! I was truly laughing out loud. LOVED the part about not giving a shit about the neighborhood boy cause he “ain’t mine.” And the White Zin at 2pm was classic. This was fun–and helpful! Thank you!! Now I need to go post this on my Blog.
Best!
Annie
D.J. Paris says:
prennifive I don’t drink, but from what I understand White Zin is the funniest of all the wines. Thanks for the opportunity!
KateHall says:
It does look like you had fun doing this. I enjoyed it. Do it more. And now I’m going to go and check out the original author of “Got A Swarm?” Win-win! And I don’t think my fragile ego could handle you funnying-up my posts.
D.J. Paris says:
KateHall Well, since your posts contain zero funny, it shouldn’t be that difficult to read mine. OH YEAH I DID!
KateHall says:
tfpHumorBlog Ha! Remind me to smack you…at http://www.canigetanotherbottleofwhine.com/.
KateBeatty says:
Love it! Annie is my cuz and my bestie and I didn’t think she could be much funnier, but I have to say that was great. You have a new fan. And no, I do not want you funnying-up my posts either!
http://www.asonginthesouth.blogspot.com
D.J. Paris says:
KateBeatty Annie stinks and so do you! (I have self-destructive tendencies). Seriously thanks!
TheBonnyBard says:
Funny is as funny does… I read that somewhere, sometime, though I’m not sure it makes much sense. That woman is brave, I’m not sure I’d survive someone re-writing my posts, which is probably why I’ll never be any kind of paid writer. (Except translator, was that for many years. Now that I think about it that’s kind of like re-writing other people’s stuff). I liked them both….
D.J. Paris says:
TheBonnyBard I’m glad you liked both! Thanks for reading.
Dhara Mistry says:
Test
Natalie the Singingfool says:
I know that if you re-wrote my posts and you were funnier than I am, I would cry. I mean, I KNOW you’re funnier, but to see such obvious proof would make me unable to give myself heaping doses of illusion…
D.J. Paris says:
Natalie the Singingfool Ha – as a fellow 12 stepper, I just might do this. We could talk about WHAT WE COMMANDED TO NOT TALK ABOUT IN MEDIA.
sjoyr04 says:
well…you could have included something about how my ex tried to kill me with wasps… true story and he did it more than once. I swelled up like a freaking hot air balloon and spent days looking like I had been run over by a mack truck after they released me from the hospital. Wasps and I are NOT friends. Swarms of wasps and I – OMG freaking disaster.
D.J. Paris says:
sjoyr04 Your ex sounds like a delight. I hope he has left this earth by now.
Meetmyhusband says:
It seems like you had some fun with this. I’ll have to go back through my posts and see if there’s one I’d like rewritten. You are a funny man! And you have a great way with words. Good job on Annie’s post!
D.J. Paris says:
Meetmyhusband Thanks for the kind words!
stazmaniadevil says:
I am going to say… if you are up to the challenge… go ahead and take one of my posts and “DJ” it up. But here is the challenge… you can’t use the most recent of ones. 🙂 I would love to see what you come up with. In fact, it might actually be a fun.
D.J. Paris says:
stazmaniadevil I just might! I’m getting a lot of requests now to do this.
MicheleLeAnn says:
I would ask you to do one of mine, but then I will forever be insecure about how much funnier you are than me. It may ruin our friendship. (If you’re like “Uh, what friendship?” Shut up, I hate you!)
D.J. Paris says:
MicheleLeAnn Am I funnier than you? Probably not. My friend Liz over at FlourishinProgress is WAY funnier than I’ll ever be.
MicheleLeAnn says:
tfpHumorBlog How much did she pay you to say that? Not judging, I just wanna know if I can afford your rates! Lol, I’ll check her out, & tell her DJ sent me.
ttoombs08 says:
Nicely done, DJ! But then, you already knew that. 🙂 I’m not gonna let you near any of my posts…you’d shred them to death and leave them to wither.
D.J. Paris says:
ttoombs08 Oh, you’re right. I really would. Your post suck eggs!!!! 🙂
ttoombs08 says:
tfpHumorBlog ttoombs08 lmao! finally, some validation! 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
ttoombs08 I try! You can always count on me.
Katjaneway says:
I’d be curious to see if you could funny-up one of mine. You’ve got a unique sense of humor and now I’m curious, dagnabit!
D.J. Paris says:
Katjaneway Ooh.. I really should try this. Maybe I’ll do a regular feature!
SteveWalters says:
It reminds me of a time we were hiking through the jungle here in Thailand. Our guide inadvertantly disturbed a wasp nest as he pushed some branches aside and was bitten on his face, hands and arms about 10 times within 0.3 seconds. By the time we got back down the mountain (maybe 15 minutes) his whole face had swollen up so badly he was literally unrecognizeable. I hate wasps and hornets!
Have a look at this little bit of waspish humor: http://sphotos-b.ak.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ak-ash3/549093_334435836655047_620766953_n.jpg
D.J. Paris says:
SteveWalters As an actual WASP I can appreciate this comment. But yes, wasps and hornets are simply terrifying.
Julie DeNeen says:
Oh you just totally made me want to rewrite you!!! 😛
ttoombs08 says:
Julie DeNeen dare ya! 😉
D.J. Paris says:
Julie DeNeen Feel free – I love the idea!
anotherjenb says:
Love it. I also love it that you went to BlogHer. I joke that the first person I met at BlogHer was a dude. And now I know there were two dudes there!
D.J. Paris says:
anotherjenb If the other person you met there was @betadad or @neilochka you met well. Those were the only guys I found.
Lady Jennie says:
Hey! What do you mean blogs about France are lame? 😉
Funny rewrite. Ya done good.
D.J. Paris says:
Lady Jennie Thanks Jen! My friend Henri does a great blog called henrilovesparis and it’s amazing. She’s a good pal.
MomoFali says:
I love it. And, I’m so glad you held up your end of the bargain!
D.J. Paris says:
MomoFali I’m waiting for you to hold up your end of the bargain and greenlight my dude talk at BH13. Oh, by the way, does BH need 27 twitter accounts? I swear it grows by one every day. You crazy.