When I was nine my mom brought home a black cat that was hanging out by the dumpster at the Junior League. It was our first family pet, and we named her Shadow.
Actually, that’s not entirely true as we had two cats when I was born but I think they bit me or my sister and were removed.
As a cat, Shadow was decent. Not a home run, but not a caught-looking-strikeout either. I hope that expression sort of makes sense. Since then, I’ve owned (yes, owned) three other cats, and they all have totally rocked balls. Great pets, cats.
The worst thing about Shadow was that she didn’t respond to cat nip. The best thing about Shadow was that she had about twenty random white hairs scattered about her fur.
I can’t tell you why, but I had to pluck them. It was pure ecstasy to me. I used to watch the hairs grow back months later, and I would wait until they were fully ripe, only to then be plucked again. I’m not exaggerating an iota about how awesome this was. My mom used to really yell at me for it, because it kind of bothered the cat.
Well, tough titties to that! I started plucking the hairs in private, bedroom door closed. I had to engage this addiction.
A few years later Shadow started peeing everywhere in the house and my folks gave her away to a nearby pig farm. She became an outdoor cat which probably sucked because she didn’t have any claws. It was very sad time for me.
My white hair pulling addiction did not get to surface again until I met my now ex-wife. She had a few white hairs along her part line. I noticed them one day as I was giving her hair the “sniff-test”.
In that moment my eyes glazed over and I suddenly lost all interest in her as a person. Her head became the most desireable thing on the planet. But I couldn’t just pluck one white hair without permission! Could I?
I totally fucking did.
She yelped, and I explained I just had to pluck it. It’s how I’m wired up. Ultimately she thought it was great because I was getting rid of white hairs that she didn’t want people to see. I would watch them grow back and wait for just the right time to harvest the crop. Every year her head would add about seven to ten new white hairs. It was like Christmas Day, as if they were a presents from the dead pigment and follicle fairy.
I don’t currently have any white head hairs, so I can’t indulge myself. I need a partner.
My current girlfriend Jessica happens to also love getting her white hairs yanked. This could not be more important to me, and I consider it an act of love.
We only see each other every six weeks or so, and during those weekends I spend at least twenty hyperfocused minutes going through each wave of hair on a treasure hunt for white gold.
Lest you think this freakish, it’s probably my only vice. I can live with myself.
Do you have anything obsessively wacky that you do? Unburden yourself! This is a place of safety and non-judgement. Reveal thyself and be set free!
Really, I just want to feel less like a weirdo, so if you have to, make something up.
lgabelis says:
I pull white hairs for my mom too when i spot them! definitely an act of love 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
It’s nice to know that I have a white hair pulling pal. Seriously, we probably need meds.
NeoMe says:
@delfinparis
My mom would pay my younger brother & me pennies (I don’t remember exactly the amount) to tweeze out her white hair…which would stand out against her straight black (Asian) hair. It was from there that my own obsession was honed. Sitting pretty at age 36, I have started seeing my own ugly white hairs sprouting from my near black hair…not a good thing! Actually, I’ve had white hair coming in since I was in my mid to late 20’s…mother’s genetics, thanks. =(
I have “White Hair Picking Days” where I prop myself on the bathroom vanity and angle the mirrors in every which way, parting hair using clips & my mouth…I have long straight hair. I spend hours at a time doing this! I Love & Hate it! My “fantasy” is to find a friend who too has this obsession, so we can groom one another. Because honestly, do you feel my “pain”…it’s taxing to do it to yourself, and I’m such a perfectionist that I’m never convinced that I got ’em all!
I do it because I’m saving the health of my hair by NOT adding chemical colorant to it to hide the whites that with a lil’ elbow grease & patience, I can eliminate “naturally.” Luckily I have a lush head of hair so thinning isn’t an issue for me.
I tweeze out my husband’s white hair too. He’s mildly annoyed when I run for my tweezers when I spot a rogue hair, albeit white or in an unwanted area. There’s nothing more annoying than trying to pull a hair, only to have it slip your grip…causing it to spiral curl…cute but annoyingly cute! Make sense?!
Curious & happy to find that I’m NOT alone! =)
Jesse3581 says:
You are fucking psychotic! Seriously, man! This blog is like looking at the mind of a deranged sociopath! It’s fascinating, utterly entertaining and I feel like I’m learning a whole new world. Definitely opened a conversation last week with, “So … you know there are some people out there who can’t touch cotton balls? Like … they have a phobia about it.”
D.J. Paris says:
@Jesse3581 You know me all too well, sir. Sad and awesome at the same time. Next time I’m in ATL, make the drive!
Jesse3581 says:
@delfinparis The drive isn’t the issue. The issue is that my probation officer has made it abundantly clear that I am not to leave the state. Or commit any crimes. And being in your presence, I’m thinking we’d commit some weird crime. Blotter worthy, I’m sure.
Sunburnt says:
Right, the old “gave our precious family pet to the farm” story.
Does shaving toe hair count?
D.J. Paris says:
@Sunburnt I’d recommend taking care of your mustache first (assuming you’re a girl).
Crack You Whip says:
Oh, this made me laugh! Thank you!
D.J. Paris says:
@Crack You Whip You’re welcome. I love your site – send me your description, advertiser! I want to send all sorts of traffic to you!
Lifes a beach says:
I used to pull out my own..I loved it and hated it at the same time…why was I getting grey hairs as a 20 year old…but it was fun to pluck those bad boys! Then I just dyed them…i do indulge every now and again lol
D.J. Paris says:
@Lifes a beach It really is super fun. As a blonde man with amazing hair, I have yet to lose one or find a white one. Does that make me superior to you? Yes.
Jessica_thereader says:
I like to squeeze the pores on someone’s nose or back and watch the “pore spaghetti” come out. I know that is some awful awfulness, but I think it’s fascinating. I could do it for hours if someone (ahem, DJ) would let me!
D.J. Paris says:
@Jessica_thereader You should be ashamed of thyself. Beyond gross. (also, sort of stimulating, for some reason)
Jessica_thereader says:
@delfinparis @Jessica_thereader
Jessica_thereader says:
@delfinparis @Jessica_thereader
Jessica_thereader says:
@delfinparis You ought not judge.
neat2419 says:
Did we just become best friends?!
D.J. Paris says:
@neat2419 We did. Now, remind me. Who the hell are you?
D.J. Paris says:
I’m pretty sure we should get married. Let’s do it!
ksmith228 says:
I think cats are wonderful. I’m obsessed with them. I’ve made my son obsessed with them too. We can’t have one in the apartment we have now and we are super anxious to move just so we can get a cat! We don’t care about anything else. The new place could be a dump just as long as we can have a feline companion living with us! My daughter likes dogs. That’s why no one likes her.
D.J. Paris says:
@ksmith228 You seem to be a bit crazy. Cats will not solve this. Run, do not walk, to the nearest head shrinker. Prepare to lay on the couch for awhile. 🙂
LittleAnimation says:
I’m just gonna dive into the mine field and say that I would never dye or pluck my white hairs. Young looking hair on an aging face looks weird to me. Other than that, I guess I’m obsessively wacky about those fuzzballs you get on sweaters. I want to pull them off even on strangers. I love it.
Cool blog bro. Stay away from my silver streak.
D.J. Paris says:
@LittleAnimation Silver hairs do nothing for me. White is where it’s at. And fuzzballs on sweaters – I couldn’t care less. You’re super weird. You hear me? WEIRD!
D.J. Paris says:
@LittleAnimation Oh, and I look forward to seeing you at the Non-Con. Ha.
Mauiindi says:
I came across your article after a plucking session (on my own head). I have about 5 snow white hairs which I delight in plucking out, however whilst doing so today I wondered if the old wive’s tale were true – If you pluck out one white hair will two grow back? Excitedly and spurned by my WHPA (White Hair Plucking Addiction) I furiosly Googled the fact. Sadly, it turns out to be a myth, however the search lead me to your blog, which was a positive, and I must say I was literally laughing out loud. Brilliant writing, and I am comforted to know their are others out there with the same affliction. I am off to read the rest of your articles now….love your work!
Laurelanne says:
I started pulling white only from my own head about 15 years ago. I have now graduated to eyebrows, which I really need to stop since they look like shit!