No, I’m not turning into a filthy hipster. There is no facial hair growth on my chin. I haven’t begun experimenting with the vegan lifestyle.
You ever notice how guys that are vegan are total weirdos? You can be a chick and be all the vegetarian you want, but a guy who only eats wheat grass is a bonafide freak. Why is that?
About a year ago I noticed an itch on the top of my head. At first I thought it was my crown chakra opening up to the universe. Then I remembered I haven’t one ounce of spirituality or patchuli oil. This was a dry skin itch!
Now, as a blonde guy who wears white business shirts to work, I’d like to tell you that I don’t have dandruff. I’ve never seen flakes, but they could just be buried among the white cotton lapels. I’m not sure. I goddamn hope not.
When this happened I freaked out. I found myself scratching the top of my head like a spaz. And you have to realize I’m constantly in meetings all day with people. Scratching the top of a full head of hair looks weird. And I’m weird enough without the picking at myself. At the grocery I purchased a whole bunch of products for itch control and dandruff reduction. Nothing worked. Every hour or so I needed to scratch near the frontal lobes.
I was terrified that this was some weird indication that I was starting to lose my hair. Thankfully I don’t think that is happening.
I then wondered about shampoo in general. Even though I use the really expensive stuff like Kiehl’s (my sister works for L’Oreal and hooks me up), maybe it was drying out my hair. I also put in a molding creme that for sure has alcohol in it. That dries it out, too. Well, I can’t give up the creme as my coif needs to be positioned just so. That left shampoo and conditioner.
Researching online the necessity of shampoo I came across this movement called “no-poo.” Yes, it’s about, you guessed it, stopping all bowel movements through radical vomiting. It’s controversial, but effective. No, the “no-poo” movement is people stopping shampooing and conditioning. See, the theory is that there’s this stuff in shampoo called SLS which apparently strips your hair of sebum, which is the natural oil the scalp produces. You replace it with conditioner, but the whole process is damaging and unnecessary I’m sure this is all overblown and that shampoo is fine and all, but I looked more into the method.
Here’s what you do instead.
You keep showering like normal, but you use a baking soda and water spray to soak up the extra oil from the hair. Then you use an apple cider vinegar and water spray for conditioner. I know it sounds wild, but that’s the method. People swear that after a few weeks on this their hair has never looked better.
I bought the vinegar and baking soda and spray bottles. Loaded ’em up as per the instructions and went to work. Here’s the problem. The molding creme doesn’t really wash out with just the baking soda. Maybe I need more baking soda, but my hair’s always got a little shit in it, even after the wash. It’s not squeaky clean. That’s okay. It’s not like I’m running my hands through my hair all day long. I’m not that kind of asshole.
But, the itch is gone. I hope it left my head, flew down the street, and landed on one of my enemies. Actually I hope it landed on their crotch.
So, I have an itch-free but probably filthy scalp. If you plan to make-out with me in the foreseeable future I encourage you not to run your hands through my locks during you ravishing my bodice.
Hope says:
I have very thick, curly hair and if I wash it every day it becomes a giant frizz ball AND it itches like a mofo. I use Wen – simply amazing. Check it out!!
D.J. Paris says:
I will! – thanks for the idea, Hope!
ThePoetPyronius says:
Congrats, guy. You’ve discovered something hippies have been doing since the 60s, and yet still can’t help but take a dig at all their ‘crazy ideologies’ on the way out. Do you really think this is weird because it’s an alternative cosmetic healthcare technique? That may be they single most mediocre thing I’ve ever heard. That’s the equivalent of a middle-aged sociocrat putting cucumbers on her eyes and telling all her friends at the country club ‘you’ll never believe what I just did’. I’m glad you tried something new and it worked, but the arrogance it takes to find out that there is merit in something alternative to mainstream beliefs and still mock a number of alternative beliefs and lifestyles in the process is simply beyond me.
D.J. Paris says:
Thank you for your comments! I am considering changing all of my humor modalities to suit your needs. Looks like it’s back to fart jokes. Everyone loves fart jokes! Even filthy hippies.
ThePoetPyronius says:
I apologise if my comment was inflammatory, I shouldn’t have snapped. Though truthfully I don’t agree with humour that segregates any of society’s niches, especially while simultaneously acknowledging their benefits without due credit, you’re entitled to your opinion and world-views. It’s not my place to try and change them, least of all through aggression. My bad, sorry dude.
D.J. Paris says:
Ha – I was just kidding around. I do appreciate your readership and almost never write anything inflammatory. But hipsters are just too easy a target. 🙂
Jean says:
Wow… the comments people leave, you’d think they would focus their energy elsewhere.
I had never heard of using apple cider vinegar as a conditioner, so, thanks for that–I might try it, at least for a short period of time as my wavy hair does very frizzy and I worry about over shampooing it.
I did hear that washing (putting apple cider vinegar on a cotton ball and smoothing it over your face) at night really helps balance out the pH levels of your skin, therefore alleviating any redness and irritation, so maybe that’s what is going on with your scalp? If it works, more power to ya.
D.J. Paris says:
I so rarely get a negative comment, I sort of secretly get excited when I incite one. I’ll try the apple cider on my face, but I basically can’t touch cotton balls without curling up in the fetal position. I may need to hire a person for this.
Ga says:
I agree with Hope, Wen is awesome. I use to use it. The first time I used it everyone asked what I had done to my hair. I would still use it now but it’s just too much money for me. Haha I hope your date the other night didn’t run her fingers through you hair. Also, sorry I can’t help you on the pale skin.
D.J. Paris says:
I’m just destined to be pink. It could be worse. I could look like a catcher’s mitt. That really repels the ladies.
Robin says:
During one of my forays into alternative natural remedies, (usually I experiment every few years), I stopped washing my hair for a year. This was after my Birkenstock and socks phase, and before my vegan phase.
It took about 2 weeks for my hair to look normal. The hair starts to maintain oil production, and with rinsing etc…kinda cleans itself. Though, I would recommend using a few dro
D.J. Paris says:
Yeah – I’m feeling a little extra oil production, even though it looks exactly the same. Strangely, it seems more dry than before. I’m going to stick it out and see what happens. Thanks for writing!
Robin says:
…Though I would recommend using a few drops of an essential oil of your choice massaged into the scalp, not to rebalance your chakra, but to keep your hair smelling fresh.
I’ve also tried the Oil Cleansing method for skin. The scientific idea being that ‘like dissolves like’, however I do not suggest it. Let me repeat – I do not suggest it. Unless you have a penchant for living your high school acne laden days.
D.J. Paris says:
I never thought of using essential oils, but that’s not a bad idea! Thanks.
Since I didn’t get dates or laid in high school, I need all the help I can get. No vinegar on my visage!
Ericamos says:
I really want to try this now! But as a person with no sense of smell (and never had a sense of smell), I’m always VERY concerned about the way my body/hair/breath smells to others, so I have a few serious questions for you:
1. Did your hair ever smell oily or dirty?
2. Did the Apple Cider Vinegar leave an Apple Cider Vinegary smell on you? (I’m just assuming that it has a strong smell based on the reactions I’ve seen of people who have smelled regular vinegar, but I could be wrong; I wouldn’t know!)
D.J. Paris says:
Erica,
Great questions. No, my hair never smells bad. Remember I do shampoo every day with the baking soda and vinegar. Then my head explodes into foam like a grade-schooler’s science fair volcano project. Fun.
No, the vinegar washes out. No smell.
Robin says:
I’ve given up the hemp clothing…
I use Aveda products now.
D.J. Paris says:
Go ahead and ruin the environment corporate consumer slave! Ha! (I love Aveda)
Robin says:
Sometimes I even throw-out recyclables…
D.J. Paris says:
I have never recycled in my life. I don’t even pick up my dog poop. No joke. 🙂
Robin says:
Not picking up dog poop makes you practically an environmental activist. Composting and all that…
You’re probably two days away from chaining yourself to a tree…
Kristi Campbell says:
I was going to ask if it was now dirty, itch-free AND stinky. But I see that Erica up there beat me to it. And yeah, why is it that when dudes are vegan they’re weird? True stuff.
D.J. Paris says:
Ha – vegan dudes. Yet to meet a normal one.
Brandon says:
Does the apple cider vinegar not leave you with a pungent cloud of funk orbiting your skull all day long? I’d be terrified I didn’t wash it all out. I am constantly plagued by itchy scalp myself, and am looking for solutions.
D.J. Paris says:
The funk actually washes immediately out. No smell!
Melanie says:
If you are using a professional molding creme it should rinse with just water…..imo. Maybe try another brand??? Im so glad you dont run your hands through your hair all day like an asshole!! haha. I love your sense of humor it makes my day, just incase anyone cared what I thought! P.S you didnt share the recipe with us…….you know for those who want to follow and try it too!!
D.J. Paris says:
Oh – just Google the shampoo and conditioner recipes. They’re no big deal. Super easy. Yeah, I might have to try a different brand of creme!
Robin says:
Try Bumble & Bumble Surf Spray.
It’s water soluble, and will probably work well with the type of coif you’re going for…
Lovelyn says:
I used the apple cider vinegar and baking soda method on my hair briefly and found that it left it entirely too dry, but I’m black and black folks naturally have dry hair. If the SLS in shampoo is giving you a problem you can get a sulfate free shampoo. If you’re using product in your hair daily shampooing will get all the product out so you don’t get build up which will dry out your hair.
My husband used to have a dandruff and itchy scalp problem and stopped using shampoo completely and started using only conditioner instead. He’s been doing that for years and his hair is clean and the itch is gone.
D.J. Paris says:
Interesting on the conditioner idea! I never thought of that. I will give it a shot. Thanks!
Barry says:
Another interesting take DJ and interesting comments above. Doesn’t matter if I agree or disagree with you, you have the same rights I have to speak (or write) your mind. Have a good one!
D.J. Paris says:
Ha – thanks Barry. I try to remind people I’m just a humor blogger. I go for the jokes. They don’t always land. 🙂
Katy Bug says:
I’ve been trying the no-poo thing for two years, and haven’t quite hit on a system that I really like. My hair is this curly, fluffy wad of… something. It can literally feel dry and brittle while being caked in oil. I don’t understand it. Although, my latest system of shampooing with a fancy natural soap bar (the hemp + lavender stuff I have is AWESOME) and then rinsing with diluted apple cider vinegar isn’t half bad.
D.J. Paris says:
Yeah, mine is dry, too. I’m going to keep going with it, though. Thanks for sharing your experiences!
Emelie says:
Yeah, I’ve continued to shower like normal, but I only actually wash my hair every other day. It’s felt a lot healthier and I’m not losing nearly as much as I used to. It’s nice 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
You were losing hair? Chicks lose hair?
Diane Kidman says:
Okay, confession time. I haven’t washed my hair in, uh, let me see now – 5 years. I started no ‘poo back when I realized some of my hairs stood straight up and were all wiggly, while the rest didn’t. I still have mismatches, but I love doing the baking soda/vinegar thing. I’m way into it. Waaaay into it. And I get to gross people out whenever I want. Doesn’t matter how undirty my hair looks, I can still get a reaction by telling people I don’t use shampoo. Especially my mom. It really weirds her out. And you still gotta do what you can to weird your mom out, even when you’re an adult.
D.J. Paris says:
Nice! I just need to figure out how to get the product out of my hair. I think a baking soda mixture will be the trick. Any ideas?
Wheatgrass is Healthy says:
Holy crap, thanks very much for posting this! It is gonna help when I order wheatgrass online! So Impressive!