I Got Shamed By a Guy Shilling Chocolate

On yesterday’s podcast I dove deep into self-indulgence.

Normally my intros go a few minutes tops. Just for the shit of it I decided to try some longform improv to see if anything interesting came out. The result was thirteen minutes of  nested stories that layered on top of each other. By the end I had closed all the loops, but it didn’t really work. I was trying to be like Marc Maron, but, hey, I’m not.

One thing that came out that I would like to explore further is this idea of knowing where you’re a little crazy. I was in a boutique where there was a chocolate tasting yesterday, and the people who ran the joint sort of pissed me off. Here’s why…

They offered me some of their chocolate toppings sauce. I ate the mofo. It was good. Whatever. It’s chocolate. You can’t really screw it up unless you go too bitter or too milky. I asked if they had some caramel and they squirted some on a tasting spoon. It tasted very strong and had a butterscotch vibe. I bet most people would have thought it was butterscotch in a blind taste test.

Because I’m not a dick I didn’t just yell out, “Hey your caramel tastes like butterscotch!” even though every fiber of my being knew this to be true. Why didn’t I? Because I reflected a moment and thought, “The owner might get offended because his intention was probably not to make the caramel taste like butterscotch.

I said instead:

This is delicious caramel! It feels like it has a tinge of butterscotch, am I right?

No – we have butterscotch.



And I walked away feeling like I just insulted the chocolatier. Here’s why I was a little annoyed. First, he knows it tastes like butterscotch. But instead of acknowledging what is true he decided to negate said truth. In essence he felt a little insecure and his ego was threatened. He threw it back on me.

This is the part of human nature I don’t understand. Recognize where you’re all screwed up, people, and own it! If you’re like my ex-wife and over-season chicken, don’t get all pissed off when I mention that it’s over-seasoned. It’s not a personal attack. It’s an objective fact.

We love to protect subjectivity like it’s a valuable resource. But many things that we claim our “our opinions” are really just distorted views of truth. If you like salty chicken that 99% of the population would spit out, your subjectivity is null and void. Plus, your taste sucks.

My friend Karen turns all her dollar bills the same way. She also has forty cans of cat food neatly stacked with all the labels facing out. This is the behavior of a borderline obsessive. Yes, she already knows this. You can goof on her and she doesn’t take it personally. It’s her crazy.

If you like the temperature a little warmer in the house then the rest of the family don’t shame them when they complain it’s too hot. Say this instead. “I know it’s hot and I’m a total weirdo but I need it hot so go screw off.” Acknowledge your nuttiness. Don’t pretend 79 ° is normal. It ain’t. You have horrible circulation and probably need progesterone.

I have no idea if progesterone is even a thing, but I feel like it is.

Okay, I just demonstrated my crazy. In order to make a joke about progesterone I decided not to Google it to verify if it’s a real drug. I also have clipped my toenails directly onto the floor not to pick them up until weeks later when I accidentally step on them. I know this is untoward behavior. If you call me a disgusting blob, you are not incorrect.

See? Own your shit!

Russell Stover
If you buy Russell Stover for your family, tell them the truth. They’re simply not good enough for Fannie May.

photo credit: Lee Gonzalez Photography via photopin cc