On yesterday’s podcast I dove deep into self-indulgence.
Normally my intros go a few minutes tops. Just for the shit of it I decided to try some longform improv to see if anything interesting came out. The result was thirteen minutes of nested stories that layered on top of each other. By the end I had closed all the loops, but it didn’t really work. I was trying to be like Marc Maron, but, hey, I’m not.
One thing that came out that I would like to explore further is this idea of knowing where you’re a little crazy. I was in a boutique where there was a chocolate tasting yesterday, and the people who ran the joint sort of pissed me off. Here’s why…
They offered me some of their chocolate toppings sauce. I ate the mofo. It was good. Whatever. It’s chocolate. You can’t really screw it up unless you go too bitter or too milky. I asked if they had some caramel and they squirted some on a tasting spoon. It tasted very strong and had a butterscotch vibe. I bet most people would have thought it was butterscotch in a blind taste test.
Because I’m not a dick I didn’t just yell out, “Hey your caramel tastes like butterscotch!” even though every fiber of my being knew this to be true. Why didn’t I? Because I reflected a moment and thought, “The owner might get offended because his intention was probably not to make the caramel taste like butterscotch.
I said instead:
This is delicious caramel! It feels like it has a tinge of butterscotch, am I right?
No – we have butterscotch.
Oh.
–fin–
And I walked away feeling like I just insulted the chocolatier. Here’s why I was a little annoyed. First, he knows it tastes like butterscotch. But instead of acknowledging what is true he decided to negate said truth. In essence he felt a little insecure and his ego was threatened. He threw it back on me.
This is the part of human nature I don’t understand. Recognize where you’re all screwed up, people, and own it! If you’re like my ex-wife and over-season chicken, don’t get all pissed off when I mention that it’s over-seasoned. It’s not a personal attack. It’s an objective fact.
We love to protect subjectivity like it’s a valuable resource. But many things that we claim our “our opinions” are really just distorted views of truth. If you like salty chicken that 99% of the population would spit out, your subjectivity is null and void. Plus, your taste sucks.
My friend Karen turns all her dollar bills the same way. She also has forty cans of cat food neatly stacked with all the labels facing out. This is the behavior of a borderline obsessive. Yes, she already knows this. You can goof on her and she doesn’t take it personally. It’s her crazy.
If you like the temperature a little warmer in the house then the rest of the family don’t shame them when they complain it’s too hot. Say this instead. “I know it’s hot and I’m a total weirdo but I need it hot so go screw off.” Acknowledge your nuttiness. Don’t pretend 79 ° is normal. It ain’t. You have horrible circulation and probably need progesterone.
I have no idea if progesterone is even a thing, but I feel like it is.
Okay, I just demonstrated my crazy. In order to make a joke about progesterone I decided not to Google it to verify if it’s a real drug. I also have clipped my toenails directly onto the floor not to pick them up until weeks later when I accidentally step on them. I know this is untoward behavior. If you call me a disgusting blob, you are not incorrect.
See? Own your shit!
photo credit: Lee Gonzalez Photography via photopin cc
Kristina says:
Does that mean I should NOT tell you that progesterone is not a drug (though I’d bet there are drug-forms of it available) but rather one of the primary hormones needed for menstruation and gestation?
My personal crazy comes in many forms…. the one I’m currently struggling with is an inability to do anything outside of my completely arbitrary sense of order. If my sense of structure tells me that I have to have the house clean before I can start a project, I won’t be able to progress in the project until the house is immaculate. This applies to everything — work, exercise, etc. And so most of the time, I just wind up getting absolutely nothing whatsoever accomplished.
Emelie says:
I won’t do dishes for days. I live alone and sometimes I just feel like “Eh. They’re rinsed and they’ll be there tomorrow.”
For the record, yes: I do rinse them. I don’t just leave them sitting with food on them for days, but still.
Shanan says:
One thing I know for sure is that the French,as a people, are hard-wired to not admit fault. New to this site, is your ex French?
People do need to own their crazy, people on the whole are more understanding if you just admit the fact and move on.
wendy says:
Loved this post!! So true, own your shit and be proud of it.
Shanan says:
Ok read a few more posts and you can ignore previous comment, oops! Admittedly shitty at not jumping the gun!
Andrea says:
Love this! For some, pride simply doesn’t allow them to appear to be more human than anyone else. Others (like me, and evidently you, too) enjoy sharing the depths of their humanity.
Mary Pat says:
Great post. Owning your own stuff is very important. It would be so much easier, if everybody else owned their stuff. 🙂 It gets down to the need to be right at all cost. And I do like the temperature warmer as I am a chilly willy. Guess my husband will just have to walk around in his shorts. 🙂
Annie Keeling says:
This line is so true: We love to protect subjectivity like it’s a valuable resource. Great post. Ewww to the toenails – but then, again I didn’t step on them. 🙂
robinbird says:
Oh, there is loads of crazy going on over here…
Own it, because at least then you’re steps ahead when someone points it out.
Have a laugh, on yourself. It makes life a bit easier.
I recently went away for the weekend, without cleaning the house and changing the sheets prior to my departure. And guess what? Nothing. The world did not end. Alas, at 39, I’m learning new things all the time.
Daily Dose of Damn! says:
I could read ya all day long.
Laurie Kozlowski says:
Hi D.J. Got to your site via a link on your Twitter profile. Love the post, very hilarious. Great site also. Butterscotch caramel? Weird. Lol. I’ll just save the caramel for my frappachino. Leavin’ the chocolate alone – divine my itself. I hear ya – own your shit! Have a great one 🙂
Quirky Chrissy says:
I’ve got a lot of crazy to own up to! Luckily, I have no shame in admitting that I have to bag my own groceries because I need them organized by where they go in my kitchen, I buy new underwear so I don’t have to do laundry, and other crazy quirks.
BTW, Russell Stover. Yes.
Andrea says:
I own my crazy quirks. I don’t like my food to touch. It can all be on the same plate, but I don’t won’t put my mashed potato’s on the same forkful as my corn and turkey. It’s a texture thing. I know it all goes to the same place. My friends make fun of me. I make fun of me. It makes for an interesting date conversation. On that note, I am going to go to breakfast so I can order Eggs Benedict and pull the eggs off the English muffin and Canadian bacon and eat them all separately alongside my homefries.
Kate Hall says:
The problem comes when not everybody is as secure as you (you, meaning anyone) are. People get embarrassed because they’re not comfortable in their own skin. They doubt themselves and depend too much on what others think of them. Then they get pissed off because they don’t want to believe what you said is true because what you said (a mistake they made) may make them feel worthless. They feel like they have to meet some standard in order to have value and worth.
That sounds like a bunch of crappy pyscho-babble. And I don’t know what I’m talking about…
Megly Mc says:
And they’re COMPLETELY not good enough for See’s. And since we’re on the subject of both temperature and chocolate, my father’s crazy is that he buys See’s and puts it in the freezer. Aside from this being an obvious risk to teeth (particularly by father’s oldass teeth, not all of which are his), it’s also just unpleasant. Who wants to chaw on some rock solid chocolate covered caramels? Seriously?