You’re not supposed to get kicked out of a support group.
I mean, if you’re a total dick and making fun of a person’s problems or you start telling everyone’s secrets on your personal humor blog (see what I did there?), then I can understand it. But I got booted for not showing up.
Initially I met with the group almost without a miss for three years. This is a men’s group where we sit around a circle and talk about our stuff every two weeks. The real life shit – dating, marriage, kids, work. You know, stressful life events. They’ve been present for me when I was going through my divorce and other difficult times.
Well, after years of going, I simply stopped. Not for any other conscious reason than I was lazy and didn’t want to go. It wasn’t personal toward the men – they’re nice enough guys and I cared about them. I was just being selfish. We didn’t have any rules around not showing up, mind you.
Before I knew it seven months had gone by. I had let a long time elapse. I definitely had disappeared. I was busy dating, writing, and involved in other activities. We were meeting for three hours at a pop every other Monday night. That’s a lot of time.
I kept in touch with several of the men because we were friends. My intention was to go to the meetings, but every time I found a reason not to go. Sometimes it was legitimate (I had a date or a busy work night), and other times I just went home and watched Breaking Bad.
I finally made it back a month ago. I walked in, sheepishly, and was greeted with hugs and warm welcome. People said they were happy to see me. I kept my mouth shut as I felt lousy about not being present for so long. We went around the circle to check in, and before it got to me one guy exploded.
He started in on me about not being around for seven months. Okay, I get that. I deserve a little abuse. I listened and watched as he told me he had “fury” towards me, and how something I did about year ago fucked him up so bad that he couldn’t leave the house for three weeks. I had no idea about any of this, and he obviously harbored this resentment for a long time.
I kept quiet because it didn’t make sense to argue with this man. After twenty or thirty minutes of this tirade he got up, said he didn’t feel safe and stormed out.
I, understanding that I had failed the group by not showing up, owned my mistake and apologized to the other men. I told them I was recommitted to showing up, and I would like to rebuild the trust that may have been damaged in my absence. At the end of the meeting they embraced me and told me to come back. I was a little freaked out about the guy who had yelled at me, but I figured he’d get over it. Several weeks went by.
A few days ago one of my friends in the group called and said that the rest of the members had been talking about me over email and decided I was to be kicked out. This has got to be a first in this organization. I was dumbfounded.
I re-committed to my friend that I was interested in the group and willing to do what was necessary to rebuild the relationships I had apparently damaged. I also reminded him that everyone (except for angry guy) had embraced me and told me to come back. Apparently they had changed their minds.
I have never been kicked out of a support group, nor any group mind you. I was angry and hurt – this felt personal. And it didn’t add up. But, I wasn’t privy to their conversations and I have no idea what the real beef was. My friend couldn’t exactly put it into words.
Who knows if it was the disturbed guy putting his foot down or something else? I have no idea. But I decided I would just sever ties (they didn’t want my ties anyway).
I’d be lying if I were to say it’s not affecting me any presently. It stings a bit. But, I made my choice by not being present and must accept the consequences. I’m still unclear on why me not being around lead to getting kicked out – I’m in other groups where we welcome anyone who shows up whenever.
Anyway, since I now have every other Monday night free, I’ll try to do some more writing. Just don’t boot me out of your Twitter or Facebook feed. That would really hurt.
Natalie - The Cat Lady Sings says:
Ouch. Yeah, that would sting a lot. I don’t want to add fuel to the fire, but it just doesn’t sound right to me…
D.J. Paris says:
Ha – yeah, dudes can be caddy. Oh well…
Chris says:
Wow. Sounds pretty lame, DJ. I’ve never been in a support group, so I dunno if this is normal. But it sounds a little cult-ish to me. Maybe you’re better off without “supporters” like that. Maybe that’s how “support groups” work, but that’s not how friendships work.
Good luck, man.
D.J. Paris says:
Ha – no cult. They just ended up being bitchy. It happens. 🙂
barbie says:
PL (personal low) ouch!
D.J. Paris says:
Oh no, I have way more lower moments than this. 🙂
Emily says:
That guy who blew up at you sounds like he needs a little more than a support group to sort out his issues… (unless what you did to him warranted him stewing about it for a year?)
D.J. Paris says:
Yes, he needs meds. Nah, I didn’t do anything to him. Crazy people do crazy things. Ha!
Leigh Ann says:
Wow. So men gave the dramaz too, huh? 😉 I got kicked out of a baby pictures Facebook group once. So lame.
D.J. Paris says:
Were you making fun of all the ugly babies? That’s what I would have done!
Karen says:
…and just when I was thinking about joining a support group.
D.J. Paris says:
Don’t do it – they’re evil! Okay, I might have made that up. Ha!
Gina Valley (@GinaValley) says:
If you need to kill some time, I’m in the midst of cleaning out our attic. You’re welcome to come join in the “fun”!
D.J. Paris says:
Ooh, sad to have missed that. Truly.
Gina Valley (@GinaValley) says:
Sometimes when people are leaning on each other, when one suspects they aren’t needed, they lash out at the one who doesn’t seem to need them. It’s out of fear. Everyone wants to be needed. Sounds like at least one of these gentlemen didn’t feel needed. Sometimes people would rather do the rejecting that risk being rejected.
D.J. Paris says:
Oh yeah, one of the guys was straight up loony-toons. Crazy people do crazy things!
Liz from WomanlyWoman.com says:
I just found you on Triberr because I’m also blogging about wiping my ass so I figured people in that feed had to be interesting. I was NOT mistaken. What is HILARIOUS is that I should be in bed right now because my lunchtime support group is tomorrow and if I don’t get my rest, I am usually too lazy to go to it. I have been skipping it so much that one woman called me to find out if I was “doing OK” and to request that I please come to the next meeting because she had contributed a fun idea that involves me doing homework. It is 12:25 a.m. as I type this and i have less than 12 hours to do my homework that was supposed to have been something I thought about all week. I was thinking of that just before I got on Triberr and found this post! Maybe I should go! Or maybe I should drop out of the group and start hanging out with other support group dropouts! Maybe we could start an internet support group for support group dropouts.
D.J. Paris says:
Yes, support group dropouts! I love it. Now, go finish wiping your ass!
Kate Hall says:
I like how one of your tags is Breaking Bad. ha!
Wow, that sucks. It seems like there’s something more going on…but I don’t know, I’m not a guy. That’s so weird. It seems odd that they would kick you out for not showing up even after you recommitted. And man, I can’t imagine what you could have said that impacted a guy to the point of not being able to leave his house. Bizarre.
D.J. Paris says:
My website auto-tags so it’s always something weird. I should just remove the tags as they do nothing and nobody clicks on them 🙂
AlwaysARedhead says:
Hugs.
D.J. Paris says:
I needed it back then – NOT NOW. 🙂
Gillean Ollsin says:
Hmmm. Sounds to me like you went back to the group more because you felt an obligation than you needed a support group. Maybe you’ve outgrown them anyway? Don’t let the asswipes bring you down. They’re likely jealous that you don’t seem to need them anymore. This sounds like the next Hollywood thriller. Screamer man would play the psychopath and you would be the guy we all screamed at… Don’t open that door, Paris! Get the f out of that warehouse! You get my drift. I think it’s safer and saner for you to stay away? Maybe you could start your own support group for men who eat skin tags and like to fart… a lot. Lol.
D.J. Paris says:
Yeah, I think I did outgrow them. I love the screenplay. Let’s team up and write the fucker!
Holly says:
Sure, you’d feel bad, but don’t worry, sounds like you needed to move on from this group anyway. There’s always a time and a season for everything. Best wishes
D.J. Paris says:
Yeah – I’ve moved on to a different group where we just make fun of other groups. It’s way more satisfying!
Lorri Neal says:
I am totally willing to start a group specifically for people who only want to drop in when they don’t have a bunch of stuff to watch on their DVR or whatever. It can literally be called Just Drop In; Whenever, Whatever. That doesn’t sound very supportive to me, but hey I don’t think I could hold a grudge for seven months not even knowing if I would see that person again and get the opportunity to have my irrational tirade. It takes all kinds…anyway as I’m a writer too, I will just write until the other members of our much better support group decide to just drop in.
D.J. Paris says:
Lorri,
Let’s do it! Just Drop In. Love it.
Frankie Laursen says:
I’m sorry to hear that. I’m surprised they didn’t reach out to you during those seven months to make sure you were okay and encourage you to come back. I’d worry you were depressed if you stopped showing up to group. I’m glad that’s not the case.
I hope you’re still able to spend time with friends regularly, even if it’s not quite so frequent. The best treatment for my depression is spending time with my friends. Take care.
D.J. Paris says:
Eh – it’s just weird dudes doing weird dude stuff. 🙂
Chenelle says:
I hear you. I got kicked out of a book club. And I love reading! It was one of those situations where the club was a small knit group of women that for some reason decided they needed to expand. I was chosen to be the one person they offered a spot to, which was flattering and I looked forward to meeting new people. I attended for four months, reading the books and sharing my thoughts, bringing snacks and drinking wine, etc. Thought everything was going smoothly – until one month a pick was about a child being murdered. I wasn’t in a spot to read something dark and let the group know I was going to skip this one. Apparently this made them frown. The following month was my turn to pick a book, which I chose something recommended by one of the members (I wanted to please this new group). When it was time to meet, no one else read the book except the one person who originally recommended it. I shrugged that off, figuring I understood that sometimes certain books wouldn’t appeal. A few weeks later I was told by the person I knew the most out of the members, that they had been discussing me and decided I was to be kicked out. They said it was because I wasn’t committed, in that I hadn’t read the one book about the child murdered. I was stunned. That couldn’t be the real reason, since no one read the book I had picked “Jitterbug Perfume” by Tom Robbins.
In the end, I had to remind myself this was more about them than it was about me. I moved on. And now sometimes laugh that I was kicked out of a book club. Maybe in the future I’ll imply it was because I was such a badass, not because I didn’t read a book. :p
D.J. Paris says:
I’ve read Jitterbug Perfume! I would still have kicked you out though. Ha!
Alex says:
Appears that there was a bunch of little bitches in that group. Your better off without that flock.
Cheers!
D.J. Paris says:
Yes, they were little b’s. Ha – dudes can be like that. Oh well!
Lisa_PA says:
I sort of did the same thing. I joined an online support group for people with Fibromyalgia. I just stopped logging in one day because it seemed like they all spent most of the time giving each other gentle hugs and commiserating, and I just wanted tips on coping, new research, stuff like that. I just lurked in the areas that interested me. After awhile, I felt bad never logging in and offering support, but I didn’t want to answer questions about where I’d been, or worse, have no one notice I had been gone. I made myself a new alias from a different email account and re-joined as a new member! You can’t do that with an in person support group.
D.J. Paris says:
Hi Lisa – I just went onto that forum and let everyone know about your shenanigans. THEY’RE ONTO YOU!
Michelle says:
In my experience, if someone stops attending a support group, whether in person or online, it just means they are doing better and no longer need support! Some people can’t stay in a support group once they are past whatever led them to seek out the group, because it hinders their ability to move on. That guy sounds like he needs more than a support group! He needs professional help!
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