I’m 33 years old, and I have never had a mosquito bite. I know that may sound hard to believe, but it’s true. Or, maybe if I’ve had a mosquito bite in my life, I’ve not known about it. I’ve never seen one on my body, nor have I ever regularly scratched at something on my skin. I also don’t use moisturizer. Not sure if that’s related.
While I think it’s pretty common to get a mosquito bite or two, most people have never pooped their pants. As an adult. But I have.
Just once, mind you. But, once is plenty.
How did I poop my pants? Why did I poop my pants? And most importantly, where did I poop my pants?
The Set-Up
I’m not a good drinker. And by that, I mean I’m an absolutely fantastic drinker. I’ll drink more than you can and much faster. My body loves alcohol. But it also tends to need alcohol, like on a Thursday at noon. So, I’m better off without it.
When I was in financial services, I had a studio apartment in the Lakeview neighborhood of Chicago. I spent most of my days working, and my nights alone. Oh, and I made like no money. It was rough.
One weekend I got invited to a bachelor party pub crawl in my neighborhood. Now, I didn’t know the bachelor at all, but I knew some of his friends. I was just excited to have something to do. My dance card was not full.
That day I went out to do some shopping, and on my way home I saw a sign at 7-11 that said, “Closeout Special Jack Daniel’s.”
Historically, I didn’t buy Jack Daniel’s. It’s too expensive. There’s other whiskey that’s pretty good but a few bucks cheaper. But a deal’s a deal. I walked in, and asked the clerk. He pointed to a bunch of dusty boxes on the floor.
Oh. This were not Jack Daniel’s – not really. These were Jack Daniel’s BlackJack Cola Country Cocktails. Now, I know what this really means – it’s malt liquor. There’s no trace of whiskey in these bottles. It’s the same crap that’s used to make hard ciders and lemonade, wine coolers, and Mad Dog 20/20. But, a six-pack was going for $1.99, manager’s special.
So what if the boxes had a visible layer of dust and were not refrigerated? Who am I, Lady Di? (note: this was back when she was alive, so the reference is not in bad taste) And I thought, “Well, I like the taste of cola, and I like the taste of Jack Daniels!” This math added up. And off I went to my apartment with twelve bottles.
I started drinking in the early afternoon. My goal was to have 7-8 of these down before the bachelor party so I would already have a nice start to the evening and could spend less money at the bars.
The problem was I couldn’t get drunk. These things must have a low alcohol content. Plus, they tasted like death. Not like coke, not like whiskey. Like chalk, or how I think chalk would taste. Pretty sure I finished all twelve.
As I got ready to go out for the evening, I put on my one expensive pair of pants and a nice shirt. I took a cab over to the first bar, and went in. I made my way to the bar and ordered a beer. Within two minutes, it hit me. I needed to go to the bathroom.
The Problem
I scoped out the bar’s bathroom and realized it would not do. Not only do I generally not “make” in public bathrooms (it’s one of my core values), but I especially was not going to make in this bathroom. There was a trough for peeing, and a toilet – no door separating. In fact, no door at all.
“No problem,” I thought. I had time. My internal alarm informed me that I had a good hour or two before DEFCON 1. I made some mental notes as I surveyed the neighborhood. The Subway across the street looked like a good option. After the next beer, I’ll make a move. I went back to my drink and starting mingling.
Three Seconds Later
My stomach punched me right in the stomach. It was unfamiliar, but understood. I was going to release the Kraken. Like now. Like seriously, right now.
Instead of heading for the bathroom, I bolted out of the bar, saying goodbye to no one. The problem was, the stupid bar across the street had about 100 people loitering outside, taking all the cabs. I needed a cab to get home. I literally pushed two girls out of the way and jumped in a cab.
I gave the cab driver my address and told him I was in trouble. I couldn’t exactly tell him why because I was afraid he would kick me out. And that would be worse. So I just said I didn’t feel good.
Ten seconds later I pooped. All over myself. Right in the cab. And I was sitting down, so I also got the added bonus of that. Not three moments later all the windows came down in the cab. It immediately smelled like death. He knew. I was in trouble.
The Plead
He started yelling at me, and I begged him not to kick me out. I think I cried. I promised a big tip if he got me home. Thankfully, he did. I threw a $20 at him on a $4 fare, and ran out of his cab.
Good thing I was wearing dark pants.
Now, I had to make a split second but critical decision. If I sprinted through the main lobby of my apartment building, I ran the risk of someone seeing me. Same goes for the elevator. Those options are out. Thankfully, there was a side door that opened from the alley into the stairwell.
I tore off down the alley and into my building, a man possessed. I made a silent prayer for an empty stairwell during the four flights I was about to climb. Thankfully, the coast was clear. So was my hallway. There is a God. I got to my door, undid the lock and went in. I was safe.
The Clean-Up
I made it straight into the bathroom, and jumped into the tub, fully clothed. I know this was going to be rough. I had to remove my pants, and clean up. When I had taken off my pants, well, I’ll save you the horror of what I saw. But I threw up. All over myself.
And so I stood in the shower, covered in mess, and in my best clothes and stone-cold sober. And I had to laugh. It was funny. And the weird thing was, I felt okay. The poison had left. I cleaned up, and went to the couch to watch television. It was 8:30pm.
So, what exactly happened? I’m pretty sure those Jack Daniel’s bottles were $1.99 for a reason, and that reason had to do with me pooping my pants. I quit drinking soon after that. Figured it was a sign.
The only other time this sort of thing happened I was on my way to meet my wife’s parents for the first time at their cabin in Michigan. I found a big bag of Life Savers in the car, and promptly devoured every one within twenty minutes. My wife exclaimed, “Those are sugar-free, you know…” No, I didn’t know.
Quick-cut to ten minutes later when I bolted from her Jeep Wrangler into the woods crying. It was our sixth date.
There – a bonus poop story. Plus, I’d like to point out that you’re a grown adult and you just read 1300 words about doody. That’s pretty immature, even for you. Go back to work.
Diana R says:
Easily one of the funniest stories I’ve read in a while! And for the record, your mom used to slather your infant/toddler hide like a suckling pig for roasting! I’d bet you had a few bites in the early years. Especially in our backyard! Leah gave my kids the book above. Great story IMHO.
travis says:
been a while since i pooped in my pants, but the above comment about eating a rotisserie rabbit did manage to make me vomit, so i guess that’s something.
D.J. Paris says:
It hasn’t “been a while” – it’s been “too long”
nick patterson says:
GREAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
scott says:
Good one. I passed it around the office. I sharted one time shortly after eating a rotisserie rabbit (head still on) in a shady bar. Nothing near this heinous, though.
Leigh Kinne says:
Wow! That is crazy and hilarious. I hope it never happens to me. My kid gets a hold of sugar free candy way too often (not from me) and poops her pants. It’s sad…. She’s 8 and I can see how crappy that must be. No pun intended. I have two friends with similar spouse stories like yours. Cheers. So glad I discovered your blog. :)Leigh
Gutmeister says:
There’s not many things in life worse than having mother nature put your bowels on speed dial with auto answer. I do give you mad credit for convincing the cab driver to take you the rest of the way home. I wonder if he spent most of that tip on upholstery shampoo and lil’ tree air fresheners.
Lorel says:
I laughed so hard I cried.
Mama Laughlin says:
Confession: I, too, have a poop story that is published on the internets. Not on my own blog however.
If you are adamant about reading it, I would oblige and point you in the right direction.
D.J. Paris says:
You better pass it over NOW. My readers deserve and demand it. In fact, try to post the link in your comment.
CrazyTragicAlmostMagic says:
This is AMAZING! Like the funniest thing I’ve read ALL day, granted it’s 10:30 AM but still that’s not important. This is hysterical. I must share your misery.
D.J. Paris says:
@CrazyTragicAlmostMagic Did I make it until the end of the day? If not, buzz off!
Pish Posh says:
Oh my god. I can’t believe you only gave him a $20. If some drunk guy got in your cab, shit his pants, begged you to continue to drive with guy-shit-his-pants-smell and then threw a bloody twenty at you what would you do? You need to give that guy a $50 bill and send HIM some JD dude
D.J. Paris says:
@Pish Posh He was Indian. Lucky that I gave him Indian. (mildly racist toward that group)
GDRPempress says:
oh oh oh oh my god.
Laughing so hard I can’t stand it.
You know who else loved this story?
My kids.
D.J. Paris says:
@GDRPempress Glad I could make your children laugh – they’re probably drinking by now anyway, yes? 🙂
Ofiona says:
There should be a warning at the start of this post. DO NOT READ WITH MASCARA ON. Now I look like a blonde Alice Cooper. Thank you very much.
D.J. Paris says:
@Ofiona next time PHOTO. Oh man, can’t believe I missed this comment. I am now sad.
KateHall says:
Oh my gosh! That was hilarious!!!! I have to share this. I know some peeps that will LAUGH!
You’ve inspired me…to just be a little more free in my writing.
Just joined your Atomic Reach tribe. I almost wrote Atomic Release – that would have been more appropriate for this post.
D.J. Paris says:
@KateHall Who atomic tribe? I’m in a few. Awesome!
Jimmys Opinion says:
I wonder if pooping your pants has anything to do with no mosquitos biting you, and yes the 1.99 a six pack should have been your first clue, but yet we don’t think of things like this until it’s too late sometimes.
Funny I did a post just last week where I ponder the meaning of life being all about the poop, it was not as detailed as yours, but it must be a good subject for the week Ha Ha
D.J. Paris says:
@Jimmys Opinion I’m just proud that I did a better poop story than you. I win!
Daniel Nest says:
Dude. Hilarious. And very brave of you to share. I also tend to share some embarrassing stories about myself on the blog, but this…this takes the cake. Poop cake. Not as delicious as regular cake, but far more hilarious. And now you’re reading comments about poop cakes – who’s immature now, huh?!
D.J. Paris says:
@Daniel Nest poop cake is mighty immature. I do pee in sinks, though. That might be more immature. Not sure.
WantToBWriter says:
Oh man, there’s nothing worse than pooping your pants. I mean… I wouldn’t know or anything… I’m just saying… gosh that must have been awful and stuff. Oh look over there! A UFO!
D.J. Paris says:
@WantToBWriter Best comment of the day.
Bryan Jones says:
Your full of sh*t!
I’ve been in some pathetic, alcohol-fueled states myself, but have not (yet) pooed my pants. Pissed the bed a few times – now that’s given me an idea for a future post.
D.J. Paris says:
@Bryan Jones Amazing line. I applaud you, sir!
Ken Degner says:
One of the benefits of spending so much time out in the tractor is that the whole world can be your toilet. As long as you don’t forget to bring your own paper, cause that the thing with the leaves doesn’t really work.
D.J. Paris says:
@Ken Degner The idea of shitting in a field of soy beans is hilarious for some reason. You’re like a dog except there’s no, “That was a good boy!” afterwards.
Korie says:
My husband also had an adult pooping episode. Of course his was much more distinguished than yours, it was at a K Mart. They were out of toilet paper and he had to wipe with a sock.
D.J. Paris says:
I expect you to post the adult pooping story. Right here. Right now.
A sock is amazing.
Robert Tuttle says:
Hi Paris, You have a great writing style and this post was super hilarious. Once I started reading I couldn’t stop. But I’m not too cool to admit that I’m immature, cos I loved it…lol
I can’t say I’ve ever pooped my pants but I’ve had some super close calls in my days. Since I’ve already made it to 40 successfully with clean pants I’m sure my day will come later. Hopefully by then I’ll be wearing depends and everyone will expect me to be pooping my pants.
D.J. Paris says:
Oh, your day is coming Robert. IT’S COMING SOON.
Thanks for reading!
Karen says:
HAHAHHAHA I died.
D.J. Paris says:
Glad my shame made you laugh!
Parkes1213 says:
I’m speechless! I lost my concentration reading this (yes, I am at work currently-shame on me), but, wow! Is this a true story?! Sorry to laugh at your past unfortunate event, but this was too funny. My husband will be so grossed out, but I have to read this to him. Again, wow!
Michelle @ Healthy Recipe Ecstasy says:
You just followed me on Twitter and now I can’t stop reading your blog. Hilarious. I actually once wrote a blog post called “Everybody Poops!” Different kind of story, but same sentiment. I particularly like how you refer to it as “making.” Reminds me of my Jewish grandmother. 😉
http://www./ says:
Good reminder to take a deep breath every once in a while. They are right there in front of us, we just don’t always see them.Jamie recently posted..
Michelle says:
As I am new to blogging, I am still trying to decide how personal and explicit I want to get with my posts. The more I read your blog, the more I lean toward letting it all hang out. If people can laugh and appreciate this story, then there’s hope for me and mine! Thanks for sharing!
Crazy Mama says:
OMG!!! This…speechless….thank you….still laughing…..
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Ankita says:
What happened to the pants?
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Stacey says:
I usually detest poop stories as poop is my arch nemesis…yours made me laugh out loud multiple times. For a second there, I started to remember my public poop story but immediately buried it deep in my subconscious where it belongs. Thanks for the laugh..I’ll still be laughing about your story for another week.
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Darcy Perdu (So Then Stories) says:
HA! “Not only do I generally not “make†in public bathrooms (it’s one of my core values)” — I’m with you, brother! Thanks for the funny poop stories! My day just got way better because I realize I’m NOT in a bathtub covered in poop and vomit!
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Mossman says:
So, one of the many stories my dad passed down was, he golfing with a bunch of friends when one had to go right then and their. With no rest room around he hit the woods. A few moments latter he hears psst Tom do you have change of a 5