This is an essay originally published at InThePowderRoom and is reprinted with permission
Attention, small-chested women!
Have you ever been dumped because of your tiny bustline? Sure you have. As a man, let me first apologize for the horrendous treatment of flat-chested women. It’s not entirely our fault—we were raised on a steady diet of the Playboys our fathers kept stashed in the upstairs hall closet—but to expect all of you to have the perfect rack of a twenty-one-year-old Jenny McCarthy is unfair. You deserve as much attention as the large-chested gals receive.
And I want you to get that attention. So I have a solution.
No, I’m not about to suggest that you head to the surgeon for saline or silicone implants. That’s the easy way, and nothing worthwhile in life is easy. Also, let’s say you get giant implants, and a month later you take up extreme kickboxing. The next thing you know you’re in the city’s kickboxing tourney, and the number one seed hits you with a surprise roundhouse kick to the left tit, and your implant flies out of your chest and through the air only to land in a guy’s beer the second row.
I’ve seen it happen.
No, my solution proposes a much safer and more natural route to a big juicy bosom. Intrigued? Introducing the F-cup Cookie from Japan.
That’s right! You can now grow your jacks several sizes just by eating cookies! And while it’s true you can make most body parts bigger if you eat enough of any cookie, the F-cup Cookie is infused with an herb that allegedly heads straight to your mammers upon ingestion. You only have to eat a few cookies a day for natural breast enhancement.
Now, I know you’re thinking: “But I don’t want an F-cup, D.J.!” Don’t fret! In Japan, DD-knockers are called F’s.
Don’t ask me questions about how it works. I dated a chemist once, and let me tell you—that shit is boring. The important thing here is that you’re already eating some kind of cookie, right? But does noshing on Oreos increase your ability to get free drinks at bars? No. Does Famous Amos care that you wear two push-up bras at the same time? Not even remotely. But the makers of the F-cup Cookie care.
They care a lot.
So, just because you’ve been the chairwoman of the Itty Bitty Titty Committee since puberty, you no longer have to serve another term. Hand in your resignation and get ready for a lifetime of lower back pain and fending off perverts. You’re worth it!