I’ve Started Dumping Water In Garbage Cans

I would love to take a water bottle and equally pour it in all four cans. I would have fun with this.

I have slowly turned into a guy who dumps water in garbage cans.

It started at work. I have an office with a little garbage can. Since I’m the only one that is ever in my office I have full control of what goes in the trash. I only toss paper in there. Even though I eat in my office my two turkey sandwiches for lunch are packaged in  tupperware  containers. I have a napkin that gets tossed each meal but most of the time it goes unused. I don’t even put any condiments on the sandwich. Just spinach, turkey, cheese and tomato. So, none of my foodstuffs end up on the napkin or in the garbage. READ MORE

Everything Happens For A Reason?

See? Even when people try to make art out of this phrase it stinks.

Nope. It doesn’t.

Freshman year of high school I was in speech class working on a monologue about pet peeves. We each had to pick one annoyance and present it to the class. I racked my brain trying to come up with something that bothered me but nothing surfaced. I finally found one almost twenty years later. READ MORE

I Told A Lie Today To Get Free Jeans

I’ve been wearing Lucky Brand jeans for over ten years.

While I’m not fashion forward I do like a decent pair of denim. Every year I pick up one or two new pairs of Lucky’s. They run about $130. I match them with solid color t-shirts. READ MORE

Lil’ Miss Meepers Goes Back Home

I just realized this but pretty much every day of her life she's gone to work with someone. Lucky girl.

I took Lil’ Miss Meepers back to her original animal hospital this morning.

When I first met the dog she was a patient with parvo, the deadliest disease a puppy can catch. It kills most dogs it infects. She weighed one pound, seven ounces. Christina brought her to the condo on a Friday night. She had never brought an animal home before. READ MORE

Me Vs. Cop – Part III

These lights scream, "Motorists - stay out of the way of this serious cyclist!" It also screams, "Ladies, do not get remotely turned on by this serious cyclist!"

To catch up with my fight against the Man, here’s part I, yo. Then, here’s part two, yo. Yo!

So, this loser police officer decided to take my driver’s license and write me up a moving violation (the same that you would get if you blew through a red light in a car). As he drove away I wished ill upon his children. Smallpox, if I remember correctly. When I arrived to work upon hearing the story everyone laughed at me. READ MORE

Me Vs. Cop – Part II

This is what my guy looked like EXACTLY. Ironically, he's surrounded by other cop bicyclists who, I'm convinced, stop zero crime. It's just not the same when you try to catch a bank robber on a Schwinn.

In Part I we left off with a cop yelling at me to pull over on my bicycle. I had just blown through a red light.

The policedick appeared out of nowhere and ordered me to stop. At 7:30am on my bicycle. He was a stereotypical Chicago cop. The southside accent, the reflective aviator sunglasses that even hipsters don’t wear. And, oh yeah, he had a terrible mustache and was overweight. READ MORE

Me Vs. Cop – Part I

Real police officers never look like this. I'm sad about that.

I forgot about this!

But obviously I remembered as I’m writing about it now. Ugh – this whole intro was expositionally inappropriate. I use big words!!!

A few years ago a cop took my license away.

I should mention that I have had a perfect driving record for nigh on fifteen years. I think I got a speeding ticket back when I was twenty-two. That could be a dream I had, however. I truly don’t remember. READ MORE

Shutting Up

This guy has never been laid. Ever.

I don’t know about you, but I can go a whole week without ever checking in.

Just about every moment of the day is spent in stimulus/response. This is not a bad thing. At work it’s important to stay on task. When I’m home I need to feed myself and clean the catbox. Also, I write and talk to the girlfriend. Plus that paying the bills thing and laundry. READ MORE

Promote Your Blog on My Blog Right Now – Take III

For some reason, I always use a Wil Wheaton photo on these posts. It's tradition now. It means nothing other than Stand By Me had that great scene with the leeches that almost made me faint.

One of the posts I lost recently was the original Promote Your Blog On My Blog Right Now! Basically I gave the middle finger to my advertisers and said…

Hey, you know how you pay to be here each month? You’re a sucker because I’m going to let everyone do that shit for free! READ MORE