I got excited because my friend Karen texted me she was in the tub.
Well, yes, I guess I could have become excited because she’s not exactly unattractive. But that didn’t occur to me in the moment. I jumped up from my sofa and bolted directly into the guest bathroom. My master bath just has a boring walk in shower. It’s kind of fancy, but I needed to soak with a friend.
I’m talking about shared experience.
One of the hardest parts of being single is doing things by myself. I want somebody that watches the same shows that I do. Someone who laughs at the same jokes, and who thinks eating grocery store sushi on a Saturday morning is a fabulous idea.
I’ve heard that the purpose of a relationship is to amplify the human experience. This is done through intimate sharing. It doesn’t mean you both have to be into Norwegian death metal, although if you’ve found each other, good on you. I need someone in my life to pal around with – this is the most important part of a union for me.
I need someone that asks me what I’m writing about tonight. They don’t have to read each word, or any posts, but they have to get excited that I get excited. That’s the secret to a successful relationship. Get interested in the other person’s crap. Not literally.
But, to be fair, some couples seem to survive without much of this. I have a friend who watches college basketball nonstop while his wife trains for marathons. They share none of these activities together. It works for them. Me, I like having someone on the couch next to me while I crank out the Evil Dead trilogy. It’s simply more fun.
Of course time apart is critical. You can’t be up in each other’s jock nonstop. That shit gets old right quick.
As I’m growing older I realize that I want and need a willing partner. I want to learn what gets my woman off and then spend time participating in that with her. If she’s into crocheting, hook me up with some yarn. Wait, is crocheting the yarn thing? I ain’t looking it up.
In my life passion goes a long way. It’s the juice of life and what I live for. I have stopped dating a few women recently because I couldn’t find their passion.
Speaking of, can we all agree that passion fruit flavored anything is nasty? Just a small aside. But, seriously.
So, even though my friend was out of the tub almost the minute I got in, it meant a lot to me. Sure, it’s silly and goofy and childlike. And it certainly doesn’t mean anything in the grand scheme of our friendship. But the fact that we both spent a minute doing something together made this night more enjoyable for me. That’s a marker of a good friendship.
My last girlfriend recently called me the most selfish man she’d ever met. And maybe she has a point. I write a humor column all about the wonder that is I. That’s sort of selfish. But, she’s wrong mostly. I looked for her passion and tried to dig it out over a year. It was buried, or at least I couldn’t find it. I’m not putting her down – she’s a lovely woman. But I realize what I need now in a partner.
Thank you for reading and letting me indulge my passion. Now, go on and read one of my other posts where I tell a fantastic fart joke. I’m passionate about those, too.
Charla says:
I totally understand where you’re coming from. My husband is my best friend. We have our separate interests, but we share a lot of the same interests and stay interested in each other’s passions. This all made perfect sense to me! Except I do like some passion fruit flavored stuff. It has to be used correctly and not overdone.
D.J. Paris says:
I’m glad to hear you have such a close marriage. It’s inspiring to me. Thanks for sharing!
Holly says:
I am sorry to say but the first thought that popped into my head was the Cialis commercial of the couple sitting in a field in side by side tubs. As for the context of your musings, I get it. I made my husband’s passions mine and after 20+ years I am finally getting back to mine for me. I hope you find that one, because from a woman’s perspective you get it right.
D.J. Paris says:
In the Cialis commercial it would have been more awesome if his boner slowly starting peeking above the water and rose out of the tub.
Kat says:
I have been single for quite a while now and, like you, I miss having somebody to share the couch with for movie nights, to eat meals with, to share my life with……… I know that, somewhere, the right man is out there; the man who will appreciate my kindness, passion and heart. I just need to be patient
Your ex mistook a lack of chemistry for selfishness. When the chemistry is right, the passion will be there. Meanwhile, keep on posting about your greatness 😉
D.J. Paris says:
Kat I am this person. Let’s get hitched. Do you cook? Also, I need you to clean like crazy. Especially in the bathroom.
Also, I need you to be cool with cubic zirconium. LET’S DO THIS!
Zaiyah says:
That’s what we’ve all been waiting for! Great ponigst!
gold card health insurance says:
Now that’s subtle! Great to hear from you.
Katjaneway says:
Wow I know exactly where you’re coming from. I went from somebody that I had just about everything in common with (who unfortunately passed away) to someone that i just didn’t click with. Oh I tried – I wanted badly to be into what he was into, but it just never worked out. Yes, and he had no passion, no drive to better himself. He didn’t know what he wanted to do with his life, which in-and-of-itself isn’t a bad thing, but to not even bother to try and figure it out? And now I have a friend, who I wish could be more, and am passionate to learn his passions. He has many, and that excites me. And we share some things in common as well. It really makes all the difference in the world to have that kind of connection.
D.J. Paris says:
Passion is a big one for me. I need it. Even if it’s just passion about being a great employee or friend. I get excited about what my friends and partners get excited about.
Allison says:
You said it. I loved this post. I strongly believe everyone needs a partner who will make them a better person (or want to be a better person), someone who challenges them, someone who has passion and fire, but who is also introspective and compassionate. Someone who is serious, but makes life fun. Interested in everything in your life, but has their own life. Everyone has that right person out there, it’s just a matter of finding them.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks for reading and the nice compliment!
Yeah, and in order to find them you need to know exactly what you’re looking for. Oh, and you need some form of a marketing strategy, too. 🙂
Lovelyn says:
You’re right. Passion fruit flavor is disgusting. It never tastes anything like passion fruit.
D.J. Paris says:
100% agreed. And passion fruit itself doesn’t even make the top 20 of fruits. It’s just blah.
Lisa Newlin says:
By “dig out her passion” I can only assume you mean “bang her in the bathroom.” That’s what you meant, yes?
D.J. Paris says:
It’s exactly what I meant! You’re like Kreskin! (google it)
Andrea says:
Caring about someone else’s passions goes a lot further than merely adopting your mate’s passions. As long as you care for a person, what is important to them will become important to you. I imagine that’s what is going on with your friends the basketball watcher and marathon trainer, even if it doesn’t seem like they have much in common. Also don’t underestimate the tiny commonalities that make a couple compatible: do you both like to drink coffee in the morning? Do you both love Judd Apatow movies? The big things won’t be as blatantly diverse if you share a lot of little things.
I’ve learned that the more important thing is not to keep score – no “well, I did it for you now you do it for me” – that goes nowhere in building a relationship.
Lastly, passion fruit is the worst alone, but delicious in Hurricanes.
D.J. Paris says:
You’re right – it’s always the little things. Relationship guru John Gottman calls them “bids for attention” – how do you respond to your partner’s bids. He maintains that turning toward those bids, as opposed to turning away is the key to a successful relationship. Makes sense to me!
Chelyagogo says:
I haven’t had enough passion fruit to have an opinion, but I can vouch for friendship among lovers. It makes for the best conjugation.
D.J. Paris says:
I only do conjugation at the trailers in prison. Really easy to get some strange there. Some dangerous strange.
Kim__404 says:
I TOTALLY get where you’re coming from! What’s the point of co-exisisting in a house when you can truly share each others lives 🙂 Shame you are all the way over in America!
I just found your blog through your follow on twitter (cheers) – thanks for the laughs!! Haven’t read much so far – since half hour ago when i woke up! seems fair!! Looking for the (lazy) subscribe option lol
Ps i don’t eat sushi blergh ick (however I love the little bottles the sauce comes in – awww). Passion fruit – what is the mf deal with the SEEDS?? My MOTY used to make cake. You would think nice? No! SEEEDS! Passionfruit – the only thing that can ruin cake 🙁 yes it’s personal bahaha childhood flashbacks!!
Tessthefirst says:
I couldn’t agree more. The companionship/comaraderie of the friendship part of the relationship is key, IMHO, after being married to a person who traveled 4-6 days out of 7, I met a great wonderful man. I had a taste of true love and complete interest in the other’s life. Music history buff, writing, reading, art (we are both art school attendees), culture, heritage, politics, research, baseball, sports, history nut: we had a lot of what others would think is geekdom in common. To me it was bliss! Every new facet I learned of him, however boring it may seem to others, was met in my mind with a very strange sense of “I can’t believe we haven’t met yet!” He was passionate about all of his varied interests and I never found any conversation one-sided. He heard as much about me as I did of him. And quickly found common events we were excited to go to together. It’s amazing how comfortable one can be in their own skin when a new love/admirer or even just friend is a compatible buddy to do things with and you find your thoughts or the day’s events which happened before you met up are to bring the other up to speed. And you smile when you realize your thoughts are pretty much in line with the others.
Lastly, he HAD interests. I found and met many who seemingly live on their couches and watch way too much TV! Or are bar flies. or chasing girls. or stuck on their computers/gadgets/gamers. And in his interests he was more than passionate about them. his eyes light up a room when he speaks of something he is passionTe about. and i know i bring out a lot of that in him becaude i was abhorrbelty opposed to oil drilling and whined on and on about it when ee first met and his smirk grew into a smile when he’d realize we have like minded interests and opinions. He became head coach in a private school team. He himself would have played in the majors had it not been for a biking accident that ended up in multiple surgeries. And he is going on his Ph.D. He has the left brain/right brain going on (oh so important to me because I’m the same. I work in law, am an athlete and I read and love art and music and knowledge like my life depends on it) except he can only think linear thoughts which drives me insane.
It’s been 4 years now and it feels like I’m still enthralled with him now as much as from the day I fell in love with him. (Which was our first date after a few weeks of meeting and talking and texting).
That’s one long damn honeymoon period if you ask me.
And it’s because: you’re right. It’s in companionship, the ability to hold an interest and converse in like minded matters. As we grow old with that person, we will want the person we can talk to, understand each other, commiserate with and enjoy events and outings even if not always on the same subjects or events. And it’d be wonderful if you fell in love with that same person. A rare day in June indeed! (A poem we both like. Yes he likes poetry too).
He told me he felt I was passionate in my life and interests yet a pacifist in general yet thinks I’m avant Garde (art/music/culture). I think he’s small town boy who never left the states but has wordly knowledge above my own comprehension. Ironically I am the one who grew up on a farm but am world traveled after living first in NYC fresh out of high school to go to art school.
All of these things make me happy we met after reading your post it’s like “yes”, nodding my head. knowing what you mean. and when you have what I’ve had and then meet people who have little to no interests and are not even comfortable in their own hobbies or whatever, you can’t make them into something they are not. You really hope the interests are a LITTLE more in line with yours (crocheting? Really? I’d die! Lol!) like if you sailed and the other only bowled you may never ever cross paths much if at all!
So hope that you go where your interests are (art museum, baseball game, music event, yoga class) and meet someone where you do what you like!
Back to one of your first mentions of dual bathtub time. His attention to what I was doing (like how you were) is a compliment to the other. I’d love that that got him excited in a way. Even if say he was out of town coaching but we tlked after watching the Season Premiere for Mad Men and regroup about what happened. Or if he did go jump in his bathtub when he learned I was in mine (trust me, he’d be driving over if he got that excited!) it would have been a cute endearing part. Keeping touch in interests and showing you’re caring if only a little bit about the other’s day especially when you may be unavailable for many hours (his coaching tournaments, my working on special contracts and overtime) means those times are crucial to staying involved and in touch and saying you care about the other person’s day, however trivial it may be.
Common concern and decency provide a sense of comfort in honing the friendship side.
666beaver says:
This also applies to “best friends”… Met my BFF in college and told her she had to watch an evil dead marathon with me so I could ensure that she was BFF material. I had forgotten about that and she called me up and said we’re going to the NEW evil dead together! We held each other under a hoodie and couldn’t even watch half of it, but was an awesome BFF date night! (Allowable substitute: Better Off Dead…. I want my two dollars!)