I just got home after having spent four days in Atlanta visiting reader-turned-girlfriend Jessica. She was nice enough to open her home to me, and I got a chance to meet her friends and spend time in her nook of the city.
A few things I noticed about being in Atlanta.
- Most men with intense southern accents I incorrectly assumed as gay. Now, it is the case that Jessica lives in an area of Atlanta where gay men cluster. Plus, many of her friends and neighbors were gay men. So, I had to ask her several times when I met someone, “Is that guy gay?” Not that I had an opinion about the person’s sexuality, but that I wanted to know how accurate my predictor is. Turns out I was wrong nearly every time. If you are gay and reading this, feel free to teach me the ways of gaydar. Hands-on learning. if possible. Zing!
- People from the south love long pauses between sentences. Hey, no offense, but I have adult attention deficit disorder. How about speeding things up so that we can end a conversation within these next ten seconds? The “three-Mississippi” you place between every period and capital letter sends me into a mental frenzy. We all have stuff to do. Shift out of first.
- Everybody is insanely hospitable. I’ve lived in my condo building in Chicago for seven and a half years. Out of the 33 units, I know probably twelve owners. And I was on the board for three years. Everyone I know that lives here is really friendly and nice. But the idea of stopping in the hall and talking for more than twenty seconds is crazy. I’m trying to get to my door, pretend I’m going to cook something with vegetables, and throw a Tombstone in the over on broil. In Jessica’s condo, we stopped no less than 10 times over four days with five minute minimum conversations. Try having a conversation with a neighbor for over five minutes. You’ll run out of things to talk about at the forty-second mark. Apparently in her building, it’s considered rude to not do a long chat in the hallway. Weirdos.
I don’t mean to pick on the south. I had a fabulous time, and will write more later. Jessica was lovely, and here is a photo of us spending New Year’s Eve at a nice restaurant called JCT.
I hope everyone is having a great New Year’s Day, and if you’re reading this on any other day than Jan 1, 2012, you’re obviously one of those psychos that loves going through a blogger’s old posts. I love you for that.
dldarcy says:
Enjoyed the post and I’m going to be one of those people who read through some of your old posts. I live in Tennessee and yes, the talking-to-neighbors thing is really strange.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks future Dr.! I forgot if I mentioned this before, but once you get the degree, I request that you legally change your name to DDD or D3.
Peggy says:
I love your writing style… Even though I’ve never lived in the South; I’ve always loved that part of the the country. It made me a little homesick when you talked about the neighbors…
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks, Peggy! The south has always been a really friendly place to me. But it’s way too easy not to poke fun.
wingnutp says:
Did you run into the Southern Negator: Bless his/her heart? You can say whatever you want about someone, and it is all good…as long as you follow it up with “bless his/her heart”. Example: She is so ugly, the tide wouldn’t take her out…bless her heart.
D.J. Paris says:
Albert Brooks calls these “complisults” – where if you talk to someone long enough the compliment they pay you eventually turns into an insult. “I love Defending Your Life – genius! You didn’t make me laugh once during Mother.”
Sonja Rois says:
Being a Northerner (and from Detroit no less) I am still having issues adjusting to the hospitality thing. Don’t get me wrong, it’s a nice change, but I’m used to ppl talking to yoou in the hall only to distract you while their buddy is busy stealing your stereo system. And thank you for mentioning the pause thing. I thought it was just me cause no one seems to know what I’m talking about. I can’t tell when anyone is done talking and I’m constantly interrupting ppl cause I thought they finished.
D.J. Paris says:
@Sonja Rois Yeah, anything from Detroit is never preceded with, “You know the best thing about being from Detroit is…”
Sonja Rois says:
I have to say though…I’m loving it in the south. I think I’ve been converted!
Jesse3581 says:
@Sonja Rois I’m converted as well. And really, how often do you hear people talk about “moving north” or even moving “back home”. It’s pretty rare on my side of the south, at least.
Jesse3581 says:
Oh Delfin. Yes, Atlanta is a hotbed of gay, homosexual sex. As opposed to the regular homosexual sex. You did well to keep the hottie on your arm, but chances are they probably thought you were on their team too. I mean … look at that shirt you’re wearing!
Nah, I’m just joshing you. The shirt is nice and The Reader is hot. You’re doing well. Love the blog, as always.
Jessica_thereader says:
Sorry about all the sunshine and friendliness you had to endure while you were here. I have lived in my building for a hair over two years, and out of 52 occupied units I know every single resident by name. EVERY RESIDENT. And I can honestly say that I consider abt 30 of those residents to be friends and most of the others, at the very least, are friendly aquantences – the type that will always give you an egg or a cup of sugar!
I want to make clear that everytime we stopped in the hall for a chat, it was not out of some polite obligation – it was out of friendship and genuine care and interest. And that, dear, is what makes a community. I love that and I wouldn’t have it any other way.
Next time you come to the South, try to leave some of that northern aggression at home and view our differences with a positive light. I see what you did in your post by saying something seemingly nice then spewing some hateful things and judgements and then saying something nice again at the end…classic business school example of a tasty hate sandwhich. We don’t like to eat that here in the South. I’d much rather have peach cobbler. And notice how you got my dander up enough that I’ve yet to quantify any of this comment with a “bless your heart”. Any man with some sense should know that spells danger…
D.J. Paris says:
@Jessica_thereader “northern aggression” – that is awesome. And yeah, everyone was great. It’s just easy to poke fun at. I have to make this damn blog entertaining!
jennapooh1971 says:
It sounds like you were able to squeeze in a fabulous time around your bouts of nausea, that’s great! And I’m glad to hear your visit went so well. I moved to the mid south from Las Vegas and found the hospitality vaguely threatening. My answer was to move to the country. If I want friendly chats I’ll come to you, otherwise back off! I have a water hose and am not afraid to use it.
Mindy Xy says:
Dude, I happen to be the proud owner of a top notch gaydar, and 90% of the time, just watch the way they walk. You’ll know it when you see it. 😉
D.J. Paris says:
@Mindy Xy It’s the damned accent. It makes all the guys sound soft. It’s pretty funny, actually.
Mindy Xy says:
@delfinparis Yes, but the walk never lies! Actually, it might in Western Europe… but that is unconfirmed!
DC Dana says:
HA! This post was suggested on the bottom of the other one I was reading, so I’m now, clearly, “one of those psychos that loves going through a blogger’s old posts.” My family’s now in Tennessee, but I lived my first 13 years in Washington State and the last 12 in D.C. So I appreciate all of this. hilarious.
D.J. Paris says:
Dana (also my sister’s name) – STOP GOING THROUGH MY OLD POSTS. Ha. Just kidding. Read away, psycho!