thoughts

The Legend of Poodle Businessman

middle finger costume
Smiling kind of negates the whole “Up yours!” costume sentiment.

Last year for Halloween I dressed as a middle finger.

And even though that amazing costume got big laughs, much like a woman invited to three weddings in the same year, I was determined not to wear the same outfit twice. I guess I could sell it on eBay but then I’d have to lie in the description – “absolutely no face sweat staining the inside of the suit.” I thought about donating the fingers to the Salvation Army, but bums have it hard enough, and you’re probably not going to toss a quarter in the hat of a vagrant wearing an FU costume. READ MORE

Why Every Blogger Should Podcast – Presentation – Recorded at BlogU

Two days ago a blogger emailed me and asked how to get more readers.

It was a stupid question, for sure.

I wrote the person back (I didn’t know them at all) and said, “I’m going to tell you, but you’re not going to like the answer.” Then I wrote the answer. It was one sentence long. I almost hit send but realized that I was kind of being a dick. This wasn’t intentional. I believe it’s okay to ask stupid questions – we all do from time to time. I added in five actionable ideas the blogger could do right that moment guaranteed to boost their following. Then I clicked send. READ MORE

I Got Stupid on Stupid Ass Questions

stupid ass questions dj paris

The fine people at StupidAssQuestions asked me to respond to stupid ass questions. I think they wanted me to choose just one from the bunch they sent, but I answered everything. They were so taken with my wit that they featured me for a full week. I had a blast and am proud have been part of their silliness. READ MORE

I’m Speaking at BlogU 2015 and I Have New Cards to Impress Everyone

They even are super thick with a blue border around the edge because I'm a fancy shit.
Thoughts From Paris Business Cards
They are even super thick with a blue border around the edge because I’m a fancy shit.

Impressed by my new cards?

Excuse me – my new “I’m so cool I don’t even need to put links to my website, social media, or TracFone number on my cards” cards?

Quick sidebar – About a year ago a PR company saw that I had a big Twitter following and called a meeting. We brainstormed a few ideas on how I could write funny stuff for their clients. One of the clients was TracFone to which I immediately said aloud, “This would be a great campaign since I’m not a drug dealer. We could call it, ‘The First Time a Non-Drug Dealer Ever Used a TracFone’ and, oh by the way, do they know that only drug dealers use their phones?” The PR firm said that their client was well aware. I never heard from that PR firm or TracFone again after that. READ MORE

Low Self-Esteem is Pretty Great, Actually!

Yes, I'm about to ease your suffering. Prepare yourself.
Low Self Esteem
Yes, I’m about to ease your suffering. Prepare yourself.

Nobody ever talks about the advantage of low self-esteem.

The best part of thinking that you’re a piece of subhuman garbage is that you learn how to obtain validation from others. Sure, it’ll land you in therapy after twenty or thirty years when you suffer a nervous breakdown, but there’s some benefit along the way. READ MORE

The ThoughtsFromParis 2014 Holiday Card

Every year I find holiday cards both exciting and disappointing.

First, it’s validating to know that someone took the time to write out my address. I’m bummed that most only send picture cards without messages. Reading somebody’s handwriting feels more intimate. Especially if there’s something in there that’s personal. Many years ago when I was dealing with divorce I wrote a paragraph on each card. I wanted to express the importance of their support during that difficult time. I remember crying through most of it and with one card I literally cried onto the card and it wrinkled in that spot. It’s is a good reminder to me for next year not to just throw a picture card in an envelope but actually write a few words. Growing up I thought I was worth leaving as I didn’t have much self-esteem. The fact that I have friends that have stuck around to this day amazes me. I know on paper I’m a pretty great guy, but inside those wounds are not completely healed. READ MORE

What the Hell, Let’s Get Back to It

I was at the Ren Faire recently - I could have written about this insanity. I should have.

It’s amazing how quickly I lost the willingness  to write.

In 2012 I challenged myself to write every day for a  year. The first month was trying but after that I became proficient. My mind started searching during the day for topics to write later.  I’d be riding  the subway and an idea would hit and I start typing furiously on my phone. Now I just listen to Howard Stern. At home I write a few Twitter jokes and then to bed. READ MORE

Fun With Yahoo Answers

I needed a new distraction.

God forbid I actually sit down and improve my skills as a serious writer. That would be worthwhile and intelligent. For some reason this year I’ve had the hardest time getting motivated to do much.

I usually just go for candy and writing one-liners on Twitter. READ MORE