thoughts

I Wrote What YOU Told Me – Part II

This guy could definitely name a movie similar to his life. He thinks way more highly of himself than I.

If you don’t know what this is, then  read yesterday’s post  which will explain.

Ahem…

  • @ilovemymanalot  – How about Mitt Romney the King of Gaffe Doesn’t he know not to piss off the Brits

I had to do some research on this one. First of all, the Olympics started today. And, I’m not kidding here, but earlier someone asked if I was excited about the Olympics. I said, “Oh, are the Winter Olympics this year?” I truly didn’t know. Apparently Mitt Romney said something about the Olympics being a potential disaster. British people – just ignore what our politicians say. Go back to the telly and flip on  Dr. Who,  The Office,  Sherlock,Downton Abbey,  Fawlty Towers  – you’ll realize you’re better than we are. READ MORE

I Wrote What YOU Told Me – Part III

The cigarette makes his baby BMs unpredictable.

If you don’t know what this is, then  read the part I post  which will explain.

Then  read yesterday’s post  for round two.

Ahem…

I am a really super great qualified candidate for this job. I get totally fired up about stuff, which is motivating for others. I show up early and will do the late thing, too. I eat at my desk, but quietly and without weird smells. My bathroom behavior is tolerable. I don’t need WhiteOut, because I don’t make mistakes. Hire me at your own risk – I’M EXPLOSIVE. READ MORE

I Wrote What YOU Told Me – Part I

Tonight I asked you to come up with a post topic for my blog.  I always forget that more than one person might reply.  It’s a low self-esteem thing.  Anyway, out of respect to all who responded, I’m going to try to write about EVERY single suggested topic. READ MORE

This Baby Needs Routines!

In the catalog, her description reads, "Will make mother good, very helpful around chores and perform duties. Does not ask questions nor argue with husband. Likesrock and roll music and disco dance.”

I’m like a baby.

I don’t mean because I whine and cry and throw tantrums.  I do, but that’s not where I’m heading here.

My routines are that of an infant.  That’s probably exaggerated for dramatic narrative effect.  And it’s certainly a subjective assessment.  But let me make the case. READ MORE

I Wish The Rest of the World Hated Sour Cream

My nightmare

Okay, there are exactly four foods I do not like.

  • Mayonnaise  – I can handle a little, but would never choose to put on a sandwich
  • Tuna fish in cans  – For some reason it makes my stomach choose to vomit even though I like the taste
  • Cream cheese  – I must be the only person on the planet where cream cheese is too strong for their system.  Again, another vomit inducer, even though I enjoy the idea of it.
  • Sour Cream  – This one is mostly mental.  Yes, I hate the taste, but for some reason the idea of sour cream skeeves me out.  But I’m no baby.  If it tasted good, I’d get over it.  It doesn’t.

On the way home from the airport yesterday I tweeted out that I was about to make a poor dining decision.  My flight was delayed an hour and I wasn’t getting home until midnight.  I had eaten at  this insane tomato festival  earlier in the day but nothing for the past eight hours.  Since I was still technically on vacation I decided to get something awful on the way home. READ MORE

I Had B.O. Today!

Imagine this guy without all the Drakkar Noir he applies before a competition. That was my stench.

Yes.

Is this worthy of a blog post?  I hope so, as I’m about to attempt one, and I’m out of ideas.

But, alas, it is true.

I woke up this morning to rain, which sucks because that meant I couldn’t ride my bike to work.  No bike ride means I didn’t burn off a bunch of calories and I acted like a spaz all day.  Also, here in Chicago, rain in late July means humidity.  I’m not sure exactly how humidity works, but I do know this.  It melts my underwear. READ MORE

Being Blonde Never Helped Me

I guess I would have to get a permanent, too.

I am going to tell you the biggest disappointment of my life.  No, it wasn’t that time I was fired from my crappy first job out of college.  It wasn’t even the time my wife announced she was filing for divorce.

My biggest disappointment is when I realized that women don’t really care if a man is blonde. READ MORE

Trick People With Smells

Before the show my friend Harriet had me over and tried to cover up a dead rat that was clearly decomposing in her sink with some Febreeze. Not only is our friendship over, but I just wrote a song about it backstage. This is called, "Harriet's House Smells Like Shit.” Hit it, girls!

I’m off to visit the girlfriend tomorrow.  I have done the responsible thing by packing tonight and cleaning the place a bit.  I still haven’t asked my neighbor Heidi if she can check on the cat a few times over the weekend.  I even plugged in my air freshener thing that alternates two scents into the air every hour or so. READ MORE

20k Twitter Followers Bragging Session

If you’ve been wondering when the next time I was going to brag about how popular I am via Twitter, today is your day!

Last night I crossed over the 20k follower threshold.

A big thank you to everyone who is passing this site around to friends, family, co-workers, frenemies, naysayers, do-gooders, that guy who lives down the block, your pharmacist, and the milk man who hasn’t come around since 1957. READ MORE