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I Wish The Rest of the World Hated Sour Cream

My nightmare

Okay, there are exactly four foods I do not like.

  • Mayonnaise  – I can handle a little, but would never choose to put on a sandwich
  • Tuna fish in cans  – For some reason it makes my stomach choose to vomit even though I like the taste
  • Cream cheese  – I must be the only person on the planet where cream cheese is too strong for their system.  Again, another vomit inducer, even though I enjoy the idea of it.
  • Sour Cream  – This one is mostly mental.  Yes, I hate the taste, but for some reason the idea of sour cream skeeves me out.  But I’m no baby.  If it tasted good, I’d get over it.  It doesn’t.

On the way home from the airport yesterday I tweeted out that I was about to make a poor dining decision.  My flight was delayed an hour and I wasn’t getting home until midnight.  I had eaten at  this insane tomato festival  earlier in the day but nothing for the past eight hours.  Since I was still technically on vacation I decided to get something awful on the way home. READ MORE

I Had B.O. Today!

Imagine this guy without all the Drakkar Noir he applies before a competition. That was my stench.

Yes.

Is this worthy of a blog post?  I hope so, as I’m about to attempt one, and I’m out of ideas.

But, alas, it is true.

I woke up this morning to rain, which sucks because that meant I couldn’t ride my bike to work.  No bike ride means I didn’t burn off a bunch of calories and I acted like a spaz all day.  Also, here in Chicago, rain in late July means humidity.  I’m not sure exactly how humidity works, but I do know this.  It melts my underwear. READ MORE

Too Many Tomatoes

There was even a dude from the original horror film there. No joke.
attack of the killer tomato festival 2012
There was even a dude from the original horror film there. No joke.

Thanks to everyone on Facebook and Twitter, my girlfriend was able to win tickets to the Attack of the Killer Tomatoes festival in Atlanta today.

Thirty-four of the city’s top chefs along and twelve mixologists were on hand. Each dish and drink was constructed with, you guessed it, tomatoes. This is Atlanta’s top foodie festival and thankfully next door to her condo building. READ MORE

Being Blonde Never Helped Me

I guess I would have to get a permanent, too.

I am going to tell you the biggest disappointment of my life.  No, it wasn’t that time I was fired from my crappy first job out of college.  It wasn’t even the time my wife announced she was filing for divorce.

My biggest disappointment is when I realized that women don’t really care if a man is blonde. READ MORE

I Made An Old Woman Move

This was the most awesome photo of an old lady I could find and legally share. What is she so happy about?

I got to my gate exactly one minute before the doors closed today.  It was awesome.  My streak of never missing a flight is in tact, people!  Update your notes.

When I walked onto the plane an elderly woman was in my seat.  I officially had the aisle seat yet she had claimed it.  I completely understand and would have done the same thing.  We’ve all done it.  Slid to an open seat hoping to God that the latecomer isn’t looking your way. READ MORE

Trick People With Smells

Before the show my friend Harriet had me over and tried to cover up a dead rat that was clearly decomposing in her sink with some Febreeze. Not only is our friendship over, but I just wrote a song about it backstage. This is called, "Harriet's House Smells Like Shit.” Hit it, girls!

I’m off to visit the girlfriend tomorrow.  I have done the responsible thing by packing tonight and cleaning the place a bit.  I still haven’t asked my neighbor Heidi if she can check on the cat a few times over the weekend.  I even plugged in my air freshener thing that alternates two scents into the air every hour or so. READ MORE

Dating in St. Louis

Even the wax version of Jessie Owens liked that joke.

I found this old narrative I had written about my dating exploits in St. Louis.  Here is the original piece with terrible jokes and worse grammar.  I believe I wrote this is 2001.

Dating in Stinktown (St. Losers) – a Retrospective Memoir

Okay, let’s back up a few years, when I was an eager young man fresh from college on his first job. I was working out every day, eating nothing but fruits and vegetables, and wearing the finest suits Famous Barr had to offer [read:  Nautica]. I was living in the Central West End of St. Louis, which is known for being a cool, artsy area. READ MORE

So, Apparently I’m a Deadbeat

I had no idea that hipsters used credit cards! I thought that would have been "too mainstream” for their Pabst Blue Ribbon beer purchases.

I tear myself down quite a bit.  This morning my therapist made me say out loud several accomplishments I should acknowledge.  As a thirty-six year old man, I was embarrassed.  I did struggle.  Then I got into the rhythm and started firing out everything I’m currently doing right. READ MORE

20k Twitter Followers Bragging Session

If you’ve been wondering when the next time I was going to brag about how popular I am via Twitter, today is your day!

Last night I crossed over the 20k follower threshold.

A big thank you to everyone who is passing this site around to friends, family, co-workers, frenemies, naysayers, do-gooders, that guy who lives down the block, your pharmacist, and the milk man who hasn’t come around since 1957. READ MORE