I love Jackie Stallone.
If you’re not familiar with Jackie, she’s movie superstar Sylvester Stallone’s mom. The first time I became aware of her was around 2000 when she appeared the Howard Stern E! show. She’s a tough-as-nails broad with confidence and tenacity. But a lot of people have those qualities and I’m not easily impressed with bravado. Why I fell in love with Jackie Stallone was the reason she was ON the Howard Stern show.
She said that she could predict someone’s future by looking at their buttocks. Rumpology, it’s called.
Ever heard of phrenology? This was a psychological practice of examining someone’s cranial shape to explain their personality. So, if you had a bump around a certain area of your head, that meant something. Probably that you’re kind of stupid, because you fell on your head and dented it. (Okay, I know “stupid” isn’t a personally trait, but the joke didn’t work without it.)
Phrenology, of course, is complete bullshit. It was a primitive attempt to marry mind and body, and you have to give it a bit of a pass on accuracy. Remember, back then there were no CT scans, X-rays, or laser technology. They just had ether and leeches. But it was an attempt, albeit incorrect, to explain why people do the things they do. This happens in other fields, too. In the 1920s Niels Bohr won the Nobel Prize for his model of the atom. Turns out he was actually wrong, and more accurate atomic theories exist today. The same is true for psychology. Now there are better personality predictors like Myers-Briggs and Kiersey Temperament.
As I was watching Jackie Stallone on Howard Stern and Jackie, Robin, and Fred were relentlessly making fun of her, I had to sort of admire her. She was serious. She believed in Rumpology. And to her credit, I suppose it’s no more insane than tea leaves, palm reading, handwriting analysis, or 72 virgins in Heaven.
However, anything involving the fanny is uproariously hilarious to me.
She fought with Howard and crew but offered to perform a reading of their buttocks. Which she did. This was a great television segment.
The other day I decided to check out my rear end in the mirror, to determine if I could find anything that might predict my future. All I saw was a mess of stuff that didn’t please me. I have a scar from an accident where I fell through a glass table. Also, I’m a hairy guy. The good news is I’m not going bald. The bad news is – is obvious.
So, I started thinking about Rumpology. Does symmetry matter? What if one cheek hangs lower? What does shelf-booty mean? Oh, and flat-ass! I forgot about flat-ass! Also, how important is the butthole? Is that the equivalent of the lifeline for the Rumpologist? What if someone farts during the reading? Is that like breaking a mirror – 7 years bad luck? And I’m super curious what cellulite means, other than to stop eating at Jack In The Box.
But enough about Rumpology, because Jackie Stallone is interesting in other ways. Let’s bullet point:
- Claims the headbands she used to wear were placed there by space aliens.
- Did a rap on G.L.O.W. Glorious Ladies of Wrestling television program in the 80s.
- Has sold facial masks that claim to cure skin problems.
- Purports she can communicate with dogs that will help predict one’s future.
- May or may not have been George Bush Jr.’s psychic advisor during the 2000 election.
- Created Frank Jr. – He is awesome all by himself.
- Created Sylvester – Occasionally awesome as well.
So, when I found out she had a Twitter account, I signed up to follow her immediately. I wanted to know everything she’s up to. Maybe she’d evolve her psychic practice and start reading bowel movements. That would be great.
Let me share a few hand-selected Jackie Stallone tweets that highlights the awesomeness that is she.
While at first read, this may seem disrespectful to Mr. Washington, perhaps she is being literal. It’s possible he is actually whispering about some shit that he found, or that he saw in a toilet bowl. I mean, she is a Rumpologist. Or maybe she’s just being a rude bitch. Either way, it’s great.
Ah, a vampire joke! And right in the middle of the Twilight – True Blood craze! Self-deprecating, topical, AND zany. Plus, everything’s funnier when it happens in the bathroom. A+.
Aside from obvious shock value, this tweet receives additional props for spelling “favorite” using the King’s English. Huzzah, Jackie!
So, one day, an opportunity presented itself to me. That opportunity was to be an asshole.
Jackie’s Original Tweet
Sorry, Jackie, I couldn’t help myself.
One thing I’ve learned about those who have, let’s call it, a developed sense of ego, is that it’s pretty easy to get under their skin. By challenging self-importance, you can effectively mess with their head. This happens because they are prone to insecurity.
So, how did she react?
Well, she didn’t like it.
Jackie’s Response To Me
Good point. Nobody did ask me. And this response is totally consistent with what I love most about Jackie Stallone. She doesn’t give a shit. Plus, I forgot how awesome it is to call somebody an “ass.” You never hear that anymore.
Now, the last time I wrote a Celebtweet, the celebrity actually found and read my story. I have no reason to believe Jackie Stallone will read this article, but should she, I would want her to know that I really am a fan. A ball-busting fan, but a fan nonetheless.
And I have something else to say to Ms. Stallone directly.
Jackie, I make you this promise – if I ever have the pleasure to meet you in person, I will pay for a Rumpology session. And I will even shave in advance.
UPDATE : Jackie Stallone Responds!
Dear Delfin, I loved your comments about me. They are all true? I forwarded them on to my sons, who do not have my since of humor! But I can laugh at myself, and that I my greatest strength.
If Sly or Frank is reading this, I loved you both in Rocky I. And your mom is great. – D.J.