So, last night my plan was this:
- Consume eleven chicken wings and a Diet Sierra Mist
- Watch the end of a Doctor Who
- Take a thirty minute nap
- Write blog post
- Fall asleep
First two items I knocked out perfectly. Nobody is better at eating chicken wings and watching Doctor Who. I’m competent at that shit.
Note – I never actually get the “wings” part of chicken wings. They are disappointing and way too much effort for the meat payoff. Drumsticks or bust!
Now, the nap situation. This is a problem in my life. Not the nap itself. Naps are fantastic. But I am in a weird denial about my ability to take a nap.
I don’t think I had ever consciously taken a nap until I was twenty one. At the time I was studying self-hypnosis and I would put myself in a trance for fifteen minutes. I was able to set an internal clock to wake myself up exactly fifteen minutes later, but during that time I was fully unconscious. Little did I know it then, but I was napping.
Since then I have become a nap God. Fifteen years later nothing is more exciting to me than a thirty minute nap. But, even since I ditched the hypnosis years ago I have never actually been able to take only a thirty minute nap. I still believe with all my heart that I can do this – and, technically I can – but I won’t.
My body is one of those that needs eight hours of sleep every night. Preferably nine hours, but that’s near impossible. So, I’m always a little sleep deprived. I can’t take naps during the week – there just isn’t any time. But when Friday night rolls around – IT’S NAP TIME, DAMMIT.
Now, I haven’t been keeping a log, but if I had to estimate I would say my record is 0/140 in waking up thirty minutes later refreshed and alert. I always end up doing two hours minimum. But, like the boozebag who swears he can stop after just three shots of Cutty Sark, I am in massive denial.
Last night my girlfriend said:
D.J., there’s no way you’ll wake up in thirty minutes and write. You will go right to sleep. Guaranteed!
Nope. Just thirty minutes. You’ll see.
Well, I’ll say good night to you now since you’ll be out until 8am.
No need! I’ll be calling you after I write. In fact, DON’T say goodnight! I forbid it!
Uh huh. Goodnight.
You’ll see!
— fin —
Smash cut to four hours later waking up at midnight. Not because I was refreshed, of course. I had to go to the bathroom. As I stumbled back to bed I thought, “Hmm… I wonder what went awry? Why did I let myself sleep? I should have woken up and did my writing. Well, next time I’ll totally nail it!”
I wish I could say that any part of what I’ve written this morning is hyperbole. But it isn’t. I’ve heard that the strongest human desire is not actually survival – but denial. And if you think about it, people will kill themselves because they believe they’re better off dead, that nobody loves them, that they’re worthless, etc. And that’s almost certainly untrue.
Now, while my ego is way too invested in me being alive to suggest suicide, I know that I am living in denial in many different ways. I think the trick over time is to uncover what the underlying reasons are that make me ignore the truth and work on healing those wounds.
And, I owe my girlfriend an apology and a thank you for not subscribing to my denial. We all need at least one good friend who loves us enough to tell us the truth despite how we feel about it. If I was hanging out with one of my buddies and I whipped out a ten gallon cowboy hat and said, “Okay fellows, let’s hit the disco!” I would hope to Christ that my friends would go, “Put that hat away – you look like an asshole. And nobody says ‘disco’ anymore.”
photo credit: No|More|Saviours via photo pin cc
Craziness Abounds says:
Aren’t we all in denial? I’m in denial that I have to many pet, that my dog is trying to kill me by lying in my path, that my kids actually don’t clean their rooms when I tell them too and that I can absolutely get then to do their homework, clean the house, walk the dog, mow the lawn and have dinner on the table by 530. I know I can thus it must be done. haha However a 30 minute nap cannot be done. Thanks for the birthday wish! 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
Craziness Abounds You have to prioritize the nap above all else. Let the monsters deal with themselves for 30 minutes. You’re worth it!
Irene Barnett says:
Love it but reading this made me sleepy…..
D.J. Paris says:
Irene Barnett Well, I think you know what I’d recommend…
lcarilo says:
I had an evening nap yesterday – a rarity these days. Woke up starving, had ramen noodles, tucked into *bed, and got a good 7 hours overnight. I feel like a solid two bucks this morning… an improvement.*same pushed together ottomans I napped on.
D.J. Paris says:
lcarilo Eating Top Ramen… you’re better than this. Raise your self esteem, woman!
lcarilo says:
tfpHumorBlog lcarilo ~ It’s okay. It is okay… I fantasized it was a rib eye steak, just like I fantasized the bowlful I just ate was sushi.
Natalie the Singingfool says:
I don’t believe in naps, naps are for people who don’t get shit done. Says the Germanic portion of my ancestry…
D.J. Paris says:
Natalie the Singingfool Yes, e’re all very proud of what Germans can do when they set their mind to something./oh wait…
RoryBore says:
I can rock a 15 minute cat nap like nobody’s business. don’t hate me yet though: it’s only because no matter what I do, where I go, or how well I hide in this house; one of my 3 kids will find me in 15 minutes flat. They have another parent, but when it comes to finding shit in this house, it’s not truly lost until mommy can’t find it. Thus, I am also an expert in “lost things” or what I like to call, “things you’d find easily if you learned active looking.” And if they all did 30 minutes of active looking instead of screaming for mom after 10 minutes…..well, there’s your perfect nap right there. Also, I’d be more inclined to look for your missing soccer socks if I wasn’t so tired.
lcarilo says:
RoryBore ~ Ha ha… that reminds me of advice I’d give all women who long to be married. Tip: Do not accept proposal for marriage if you are not okay with often hearing something like this: Future Spouse (Calling out to you where ever you are… or by cell phone): I can’t find my wallet anywhere. You: Where have you looked? FS: I’ve friggen looked everywhere. You: Are those the last pants you wore (he’s in his boxers)? FS: No, I wore these. (the ones he took off while watching -insert sports/food/infomercial program here) *wallet falls out of pocket as he picks them up to show you… and now he can order delivery pizzza* Same with remote controls, belts, shoes, car keys…
RoryBore says:
lcarilo RoryBore but sometimes it’s a lot of fun too. Like when I hide the mustard behing the ketchup, or the sour cream behind the jam…..because for a man’s POV, the stuff in the very front of the fridge is the only existing food. The space beyond the front row is a deep, dark, black hole…….perhaps only filled with fruits, or worse, vegetables – but nothing actually edible. 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
RoryBore lcarilo You both have us nailed. I mean, we are smarter and funnier, but yes, we are no good with wallets or refrigerators.
D.J. Paris says:
RoryBore I can’t wait to get a wife. Seems like the perfect solution for kids. (also, I should probably get kids, too)
ToscaSac says:
I can cat nap. I can even lay down for hours of sleep in the wee hours and wake up in time for an early morning appointment. Every once in a while however a cat nap turns in to a serious sleep session. This is how I missed class on Wed night. I don’t live in denial. I am realist ;>
D.J. Paris says:
ToscaSac Ha – you gave me an idea indirectly. Perhaps I will only take naps on my back, lying on the floor. That should alleviate any long term sleeping.
ToscaSac says:
tfpHumorBlog ToscaSac How do you like to sleep? Curled up? Under blankets? On your side? Face down? I napped in my car Thursday night after class. Came inside and went right to bed.
Ericamos says:
You make me wanna nap right now, and I just got up two hours ago!
D.J. Paris says:
Ericamos Do it! Be a nap champion!
ArieFras says:
I have never been able to take a decent nap. In daycare, I was a nap-time menace–the one kid who would be up wandering around while my teachers were trying to watch “Santa Barbara”. It wasn’t a good scene. Nowadays I can ‘nap’ for one hour–minimum. On Tuesday night I had every intention of taking a short nap after work. I woke up five hours later wondering what happened, and couldn’t sleep for the rest of the night. I’m glad I’m not the only one in denial about my horrible nap skills.
D.J. Paris says:
ArieFras Oh, I can nap, and then fall right back asleep. No problem. But that’s after years of training and hard work.
ModMomBeyondIndieDom says:
Well, I’ve figured out your problem. You can’t consciously nap, because you need to be UNconscious. You’re welcome. That will be $90. I don’t take checks.
D.J. Paris says:
ModMomBeyondIndieDom Oh, my God! You just nailed it. You fixed me!
AngelicArtwork says:
I don’t nap for 30 minutes either, if it’s not at least 2 hours I have a headache and I am grumpier than a wet cat.
D.J. Paris says:
AngelicArtwork You and I would make a perfect pair. Let’s get hitched!
AngelicArtwork says:
tfpHumorBlog AngelicArtwork Too much baggage in that, between your girl and my guy haha
D.J. Paris says:
AngelicArtwork Fine – I reject you first!
Kianwi says:
Here’s a crazy idea…set an alarm for 30 minutes!
D.J. Paris says:
Kianwi Stop telling me what to do!
Craziness Abounds says:
haha That is why I love you DJ. Next I’m just going in my room and taking a nap. Sounds heavenly.. 🙂
MicheleLeAnn says:
My naps tend to last for 12 hours. So I don’t even bother anymore. =
D.J. Paris says:
MicheleLeAnn That just sounds like good ol’ fashioned depression. Ha.
Dei Starr says:
For me it’s the early morning, “Oh, I have time for 15 more minutes…” thing that gets me. Not only do I sleep in longer than 15 more minutes, but I end up late every time I try to pamper myself and let myself sleep in a bit. Needless to say I either have to get up when the alarm goes off or resign myself to a day of sleep. Which, if I didn’t have anything to do, would be fantastic. Note: I used to be one of those people who thrives on less than eight hours a night. Then I had children. I’m positive that children are energy vampires who feed on you while you sleep, but I have yet to prove this theory. Partly because I’m always so tired I have no energy to devote to ridiculous theories.
Jon Kim says:
Ughh ,,,, time for me to take a nap …………….