Snoring Vs. Adult Films

by D.J. Paris on December 11, 2013

To be funny the other night I audio-recorded my girlfriend snoring.

She, naturally, had the mistaken belief that she was not a snorer. I woke up in the middle of that night to what appeared to be a log splitter set to maximum strength chugging away three inches from my face. Since I don’t find snoring repulsive or an impediment to my asleep, I wasn’t bothered. I found myself laughing at a the idea that a beautiful woman was doing something so traditionally non-graceful.

I carefully reached over to the side-table, grabbed my phone and set the voice app to “record.” Forty seconds later I had impressive evidence which was presented to her the next morning.

She laughed, thank God.

We all have our insecurities, but this wasn’t one of hers.

This got me to thinking about my own insecurities.

One of my main fears is that I’m “bad.” That I’m a screw-up. That I’ll destroy everything good in my life. That I’ll hurt others irreparably. That you’ll see what a piece of garbage I am and run away. Then I’ll be all alone and not exist.

Or something like that.

Now, this train of thought is not logical, and there isn’t a lot of real-world evidence to support it. But that’s the things with emotional wounds. They’re invisible and gaping and absolute despite the facts.

So there’s a constant battle between my logical mind (the rational part of me that knows this is nonsense) and the emotional wounded child who feels as if he’s “defective.”

Sadly, emotion trumps reason.

Example – I was on a camping trip with some of my best friends. They constantly bust balls. One of them told a story about how, thirteen years ago, I had been staying at his apartment by myself for a weekend. Apparently I had ordered an adult feature (I don’t remember this but it’s not inconceivable) and left him some money on the kitchen counter with a note. The problem was that this apartment was not owned by my friend. It was the property of a NBA head coach and his wife. Who paid all the bills.

My friend received a call from the owners (who are friends with his family) laughing at him for ordering a skin flick on their account. He had to tell them that his douchebag friend was the culprit.

Now, I didn’t know this story when it was being told at the campsite. I, however, wasn’t able to laugh at myself like my girlfriend and her snoring.

It triggered a “D.J. was a bad boy” wound and I nearly crumbled. While everyone was having a laugh on me, I felt like they had just confirmed I was a piece of shit. They, of course, thought no such thing. It was just a funny story to them.

I was so out of my mind that first I denied the entire event. Truth was that I didn’t remember it, but it probably happened. Then I profusely apologized to my friend. You would have thought I was making amends for wheeling his grandmother into traffic. This overreaction was noticed. My friend assured me that this had been long forgiven and that it wasn’t a big deal in the first place.

Even writing it now I feel terrible. No, it’s not logical. And no, I hadn’t even done anything really wrong. But it feels otherwise. Even now.

I don’t know how to heal these wounds. I believe it has to do with self-forgiveness, but damned if I’m any good at that.

Maybe I can practice now.

Here goes: I forgive myself for ordering Car Wash Babes IV back in 2001. And I’m not bad for wanting to see naked women with sponges – that is a normal and natural desire for a man.

However, maybe I was wrong for sitting on my friend’s couch during this viewing, because, well…


Cat Owns Dog

This image doesn’t fit any part of the post. I forgive myself for this, too.

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12 comments… read them below or add one

Gary Sidley December 11, 2013 at 11:03 am

That’s a brave and very honest acknowledgement of your insecurity. As you mention, some self-compassion wouldn’t go amiss.

And by the way, you won’t go blind!

Best wishes


D.J. Paris December 11, 2013 at 5:05 pm

Thanks Gary! I try to be honest every now and then… :) And, I’m not going blind but my palms are really hairy.


barbie December 11, 2013 at 6:38 pm

“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough and gosh darn it people like me.”-Stewart Smalley


D.J. Paris December 18, 2013 at 5:41 pm

I actually don’t think I’m smart enough, just fyi. Not next to a physicist or a surgeon. Those mofos are smart enough.


Vorpaljohn December 12, 2013 at 7:32 pm

First admission I snore (my wife keeps threatening to video me)
Second admission I attempted to video my wife for her reaction to the “red Wedding in game of thrones” and she got hella mad at me.
third I am glad I checked out your blog. you are now in my favorites


D.J. Paris December 18, 2013 at 5:41 pm

The red wedding was an awesome moment, agreed. Thanks for putting me in your favorites. Now, back to GoT!


Tracie December 13, 2013 at 5:23 pm

All I can do is laugh at this! The fact that it bothered you is awesome. It’s called a conscience so ya got one, not many men do so good for you!


D.J. Paris December 14, 2013 at 11:33 am

Actually Tracie, I once killed a drifter just for a goof. I sleep great!


Sandra Creason December 14, 2013 at 10:37 am

I once witnessed an argument between my parents (if you could call it an argument) where my mom was complaining to my dad that she was cranky and barking at everything because she hadn’t had any sleep the night before. She told him that his snoring was unbearable, and he told her that the next time he was snoring that badly, she should wake him up, tell him he was snoring, and he would roll over.

The next day, my mom was an even bigger bear, visibly upset with my dad. Apparently, the night before she had done just what my dad had told her to do and woke him when he started sawing logs in her ear. His response? “You woke me up for THAT?” Then he proceeded to fall back asleep, in the same position, snoring loudly in her ear.

It happens.

Regarding Car Wash Babes IV, it’s hilarious and awesome that your friend wasn’t and isn’t upset about it. If he can forgive you for being a man, so should you!

Great read! :)


D.J. Paris December 14, 2013 at 11:32 am

Hi Sandra,

Thanks for reading and my advice to you mother is to start withholding sex as punishment. Make sure to tell her that this was my idea so that I get all the credit.

Seriously, I appreciate the comment!


Doris December 16, 2013 at 1:14 pm

I like the way you write. Love this story. Glad I connected with you through Twitter. The great thing about our insecurities is that they often drive us to grow. And I talk from my own experiences in the Universal School of Hard Knocks.
If you want to know why you have insecurities and how to free yourself of them, I have a free report on my website under ‘Free Stuff”.
I hope you won’t mind me mentioning this here but I also have a book in the Kindle store called ‘The dummies guide to knowing who you really are’ specially created to explain it all in a very simple way.
I look forward to reading your posts.


D.J. Paris December 18, 2013 at 5:42 pm

Normally I don’t allow people to post links to their stuff, but hey, it’s the holiday season! Thanks for reading and I’ll check out your website and report!


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