I finally completely understand (two adverbs in a row! A new low, even for me.) what it’s like to be a parent.
This is an accurate statement as today I spent time with two children for approximately ninety minutes.
My friend Justin and his wife have a girl and a boy ages three and a half and one and half. I have been out to see them five times in the last year.
Oooh… before I get started let me tell you about an accidental scam I discovered. When my friends started having babies I thought that a really nice thing to do would be to offer that I go over, watch their children, and give the parents a night out for movies or necking or whatever. I’ve offered this at least a dozen times and not once has anyone taken me up on it. But they always comment on how nice the gesture is. Maybe they think I’d be blogging from the porch ignoring the children who are chasing rabid squirrels in the front yard.
Let me first give you my own personal musings on having children. I’ve always thought it seemed like the thing to do. I wouldn’t say I’ve ever had the longing to be a parent but I didn’t grow up around babies and my sister doesn’t have any yet, either. I guest I just haven’t given it much thought other than at some point I’ll remarry and make a few. But it’s never occurred to me to hang out with some to see what it’s like.
Today, I went over to visit Justin and his wife. I was excited to see his kids because they’re really sweet. I suspect if he had jerk children I wouldn’t want anything to do with it. When I got there it was just me and Justin. The kids were at the gym with mom. That’s one more trip to the gym than I made this week. A one year old is beating me on discipline. Awesome.
When the kids got home the oldest one (who I’m sure didn’t remember my name) came running over for a hug. Well, truth be told I asked for one. I sort of just needed a hug, even if it was from a three year old. It felt really good. Then I sat down and watched them play. I took the one year old into the dining room and had this big balloon thing that we batted back and forth. Each time he did he giggled like a moron. I’ve never seen anything so pure and authentic. He was as happy as a clam just batting a balloon around. Which made me giggle like a moron.
Then an hour went by as if it were minutes. I was in a trance hanging out with these little ones. I realized something – it felt like the outside world stopped while I was playing with them. In it were just us and it was blissful. My peripheral vision went away. All I could do was focus on them and play.
I was even dragged to one of those children’s restaurants. I knew they existed and I wasn’t looking forward to going. I was for sure that it would be a large room of screaming and doody smells. This place had a train that ran around the whole restaurant which dropped off your food right to the table. It was great. Once again, even though it was filled with other people’s kids, only my booth actually existed.
Towards the end the bloom started coming off the rose. The kids wouldn’t eat their food and were occasionally becoming stinkers. I looked at my watch and mentally noted my break-even was ninety minutes. I’ve found that after ninety minutes with children they do at least one uncool move.
But, I did walk away from the experience feeling sad. When I examined what was the cause it was clear – I want children. Right now I’m good with a dog and a cat, but in the future it will be time to upgrade. But what if he doesn’t come out cool? Then I’m stuck with a lame one. That would suck eggs.
Banana Stickers says:
I’ve been a mom for almost eleven years, and I have to say that I still haven’t mastered the art of “child’s play”. I try my best though, and when it “clicks” it’s like MAGIC. Those moments make up for the crappy parts of parenting, like worrying about the teenage years and trying to get them to do normal things like clean and wipe themselves properly.
No joke. My girls are ten and eight and they still don’t have that down. Not gonna lie, it’s a little concerning.
I do miss babies though. Babies are so easy and cute. EVEN WHEN THEY’RE NOT.
Knight N Daze says:
1) Once every 90mins is pretty damn awesome. Some adults piss me off in 90 seconds.
2) Kids are never born with freckles. Freckles are caused by parental inability to apply sunscreen (now you know, there are no excuses).
3) Children are never born lame (unless you mean in the literal way, cos that happens) – again parental douchery causes this.
4) No one should allow me charge of a keyboard in my state of inebriation.
5) I thought this was gonna be a write off as far as posts go. It wasn’t. Am pleased.
🙂
Sandra Langstaff says:
Hey there,
No worries about the KIND of baby you’d have – you would be head over heels in love instantly and it wouldn’t even occur to you to worry. Parenting is so much about all of the little things: if you worried at all it would be about something like, ‘did we buy enough diapers/which stores selling diapers are open 24 hrs/crap, we should have bought more diapers’. Stuff like that.
Good luck with everything!
Haven’t looked around your blog much yet, but I’m looking forward to it.
Currently enjoying your witty twitter posts.
S. Langstaff
Charla says:
I love kids. Like, A-FREAKIN-DORE kids. I’ll play, read books, change diapers, wipe runny noses, share food, whatever. I know my mommy friends like this part of me, because it often gives them a break for a while.
However, I do not want my own. I spent 2 weeks recently with my bestie and her new baby girl, my goddaughter. I watched my goddaughter while her parents were at work. It wasn’t even 8 hour because her parents work slight different schedules. Don’t get me wrong, I love that little girl to death. But I most definitely do not want one of my own.
I will keep adoring kids and playing and all that. I get my fill of little kids, then come home to my dog and cat where I can drink and swear and have loud sex with my hot husband with no worries.
Terrye says:
I’m trying to wrap my mind around you having a kid. I guess, when he’s older, he’d be able to write stories about seeing your manly dangling bits for our amusement. 😀
Kelly @ In the Mom Light Blog says:
I think you should have titled this “I Now Fully Understand What It’s Like NOT to be a Parent.” 😉 Being a parent, you do the complete opposite of focus just on the kids, you can’t focus on the actual “child’s play” without making an effort to. You’re too wrapped up in all of the day to day responsibility like feeding them, bathing them, etc. as well as the long term like college saving, teaching morals, values, etc. to be in the moment like that with them. As a parent, you really have to make a concerted effort to be in the moment. Children need and deserve focused attention, but it’s one of the biggest struggles for parents today. Sad, very sad, but true. Glad you know you want kids because it’s definitely a love that you can’t fathom until you experience it, and it’s worth every challenge 🙂
Cyndi says:
Man, I’ve been SCARED of having kids my whole life. There just might be a teeny bit of maternal instinct there somewhere but otherwise, I’m totally scared of having an ass for a kid. There are A LOT of those in my family and in my husband’s family. Maybe someday I’ll set my fears aside, haha.
Joanne says:
Lol I can totally relate. I always thought having children was a thing people do when they reach a certain age. Though I’m around children sometimes (and can enjoy it… I mean when they’re not bratty) it doesn’t make me want children myself. YET anyways. Love your candid writing style. The tone is so entertaining. I’ll be reading regularly. 🙂 check out my blog when you can.
Ciara Ballintyne says:
I never wanted to be a parent until I was at the right time of my life for it. Before that, I said things like the problem with parenting is you have no one to give them back to – say, at the end of 90 minutes. I’ve just spent a week with my daughter, and although I love her to pieces, she’s driving me insane. She’s used to seeing lots of people during a week, and being at home with just my husband and I is bringing the terrible twos out strong. Even a simple question has to be asked and answered 5 times before she is satisfied, and if you ask her a question, the answer is always NO.
Teri says:
Spend a few hours with them when they’re teenagers. They are equal parts adorable and abominable but I wouldn’t trade them for all the gold at Ft. Knox.
Grey says:
After reading this, I wasn’t sure what I was going to find in the comments!
I expected the comments to be: “AH, THE JOYS OF PARENTHOOD, YOU SHOULD TOTALLY JOIN US!!!”
Either that, or: “If you’re not pulling your hair out and totally stressed, you’re not a parent. Enjoy enjoying kids while you don’t have your own, sucker!”
Talking about enjoying kids is so polarized, haha!
Teresa says:
Great blog. You add humor to serious issues. What you said about “upgrading” lol priceless! I have 2 teens, 16 and 18 and reading this gave me some good blogging ideas…the drama alone is enough writing material to last me all year. I love your blogs! Great writing.
Surly Temple says:
I laughed, a *lot.* I have no intention of having children, as STDs are something I try to avoid even as a married person. Applause for suffering the 90-minute mark!