Now That Extreme Home Makeover is Canceled, I Never Cry Anymore

by D.J. Paris on January 7, 2014

I almost never cry.

It’s not intentional. There are plenty of men who don’t cry. Guys think that tears might reduce their machismo to the level of an eleven year old girl finding out that their favorite singer in One Direction is a smack abuser. Hmm, maybe shouldn’t have made such a non-masculine reference.

Note – I have never listened  to a One Direction song. Man card reclaimed!

I’m not exactly macho. Well, I do take care of my woman which I consider masculine. I don’t, however, get into fights, grow out my beard, yell at the television when my team loses, frequent strip clubs, or enjoy action movies. I ain’t a guy’s guy.

I am similar to the macho-archetype in one area – I don’t cry. Like ever.

This, of course, is not entirely true. I’ve cried during some of the toughest moments of my life. We all have. But I’m betting it’s less than twenty times total.

Instead of looking at my crylessness (not a word) with a psychological lens, I’ve accepted that fact that for the most part I just don’t do it. Some of us are just built that way.

There is something that always got me, however. Extreme Home Makeover.

I caught around twelve episodes of the show and each time I weeped like a baby. Those producers are emotional terrorists! Scenes are edited to squeeze any and all feelings of depression and elation out of your eyelids. I broke down every time and enjoyed the ride.

Seeing the squalor the family was living in at the beginning of the show was always the first mile marker in this crying marathon. Then the show would send them to Disney World (or, if they were less lucky, Universal Studios).

The crew would demolish the old house (another time to cry), and then start construction on a new mansion.  Those houses always had way more bedrooms than normal. If the family had eight children, there would be eight bedrooms. And each would be outfitted to whatever the kid was into at the time. Which is a fine idea until five years later when the child is in high school and trying to score. It’s just not ideal to bring the prom queen up to your “Dude Ranch” themed bedroom.

Ty’s special project was always one of the big moments of the show. He was always doing something crazy. I think I saw an episode where he built a room that doubled as an iron lung.

But the biggest crying moment came when producers brought the family back from vacation. Straight from the airport in a limo still wearing Goofy hats, they would be lined up behind a giant bus. Half the town would be there hooting and hollering. I suspect they were really yelling at the family out of jealousy and not support. The editors, though, would have deleted out anyone yelling, “You rot!”

When the Greyhound pulled away, that family would face-plant into the gravel crying (they always lived on a gravel-road street). I lost it every time.

Then they’d run around their new house and I’d cry even more.

It is cathartic to cry, I believe. And now that the show has been canceled I haven’t found a replacement. I’d like to get back to it because the show has been off the air for several years now. This baby needs to wail!

I’ve thought about buying entire seasons on DVD but I don’t think it will have the same impact. I’d just be thinking about all the money the family had to pay the government because the home is technically income, and that they probably couldn’t afford the property taxes and all that. It’s too depressing. Not fun crying, either. Just sad.

So, I’m going to start searching for my next cry-show. I need it to be about how someone overcomes tragedy or personal loss. I’m tired of being so desperate to cry that I put my face down next to chopped onions. And don’t suggest that I start feeling my feelings as that might trigger some tears – while true, I’m still a guy for chrissakes. We don’t do that.

crying baby

Yeah, I can’t wait to have children and get to deal with this.

 

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16 comments… read them below or add one

StudioFusco January 7, 2014 at 8:43 pm
D.J. Paris January 12, 2014 at 4:21 pm

God, I really do love Reddit, even though I completely don’t understand it. Thanks for the link!
D.J. Paris recently posted…The Squatty Potty and Turning Pro

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Natalie - The Cat Lady Sings January 7, 2014 at 9:31 pm

Do you know what does it for me? The Notebook. I don’t know why, but that film just starts the waterworks. Maybe give that one a try?
Natalie – The Cat Lady Sings recently posted…Resolutions? Naw.

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D.J. Paris January 12, 2014 at 4:27 pm

Yeah, that’s a tear-jerker for sure. Also, I’m a guy so I’m going to recount what I just said – never seen it.
D.J. Paris recently posted…The Squatty Potty and Turning Pro

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Lisa Trudell January 8, 2014 at 1:09 am

I still watch that show on repeats. It does make make cry at times. I recently have also heard about the horror stories you mentioned about those families that could not afford to keep those homes. Very sad. Let us know what show you find that meets the guy cry test will ya?
Lisa Trudell recently posted…Arthur Bryant’s original spot makes for great BBQ

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D.J. Paris January 12, 2014 at 4:29 pm

Well so far Mama’s Family Season Two has not brought any tears. But I’ll keep watching!
D.J. Paris recently posted…The Squatty Potty and Turning Pro

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Suzy January 8, 2014 at 1:32 am

I hope you find your weepy show soon. Or else you could always watch the re-runs. Dropping by from UBC.
Suzy recently posted…UBC Day 8 Zeal from a compliment

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D.J. Paris January 12, 2014 at 4:29 pm

I’m sure I will find something. I tried out Law and Order SVU, but that just made me depressed. Ha!
D.J. Paris recently posted…The Squatty Potty and Turning Pro

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Beth January 8, 2014 at 11:21 am

StoryCorps on NPR. Let the waterworks flow!
Beth recently posted…Snow Day In Chicago

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D.J. Paris January 12, 2014 at 4:30 pm

I’m going to check it out now. By the way, I watched a few Spice Channel marathons. No waterworks. I did, however, get massive boners.
D.J. Paris recently posted…The Squatty Potty and Turning Pro

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Chenelle January 8, 2014 at 12:54 pm

“Out of Africa” – although the cry is towards the end and it’s a long movie: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0089755/
Also, “Born Free” – I cry like a baby every time:
http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0060182/

Coincidence that both are located in Africa.
Don’t watch Hoarders – that’s just depressing.
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D.J. Paris January 12, 2014 at 4:33 pm

I’m going to check out Born Free – thanks for the recommendation!
D.J. Paris recently posted…The Squatty Potty and Turning Pro

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PunchAB January 8, 2014 at 5:58 pm

I thought Daniel Powter was your go-to for crying like a b.

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D.J. Paris January 12, 2014 at 4:31 pm

You’re right – the Bad Day song gets me every time. I’m not proud to admit this.
D.J. Paris recently posted…The Squatty Potty and Turning Pro

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Lillian from It's a Dome Life January 8, 2014 at 11:05 pm

I got so sick of crying every Sunday that I stopped watching that show. Who wants to end every weekend sobbing into a pillow? Seriously, that should be an event saved for Monday mornings.
Lillian from It’s a Dome Life recently posted…Beagle Day 8 Of 30 Paintings In 30 Days

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D.J. Paris January 12, 2014 at 4:32 pm

Hilarious. Yes, the “back to work” feeling at 6:30am on Mondays can’t be beat as for a reason to cry. And I love my job, and I still get that!
D.J. Paris recently posted…The Squatty Potty and Turning Pro

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