Normally I don’t write much about my personal life.
There are certain boundaries I set in my writing to maintain some semblance of privacy. I haven’t shared about the time I had triplets and sold them to the circus. I couldn’t believe you could still do that, by the way. In 2008, no less! Also, I never wrote about the time I got into a fistfight with my grandmother because she totally wasn’t being cool. Oh, and I felt the need to quiet that whole “keeping several mistresses” thing. Those gals are crazy!
I will share, however, that I am presently scared. I have fear that my relationship will end because I’m not stepping up and making my girlfriend a priority. One of the things I’ve learned about choosing a partner is that you ought to pick one with reasonable needs. Nutty broads make great girlfriends – for someone else. As such I am proud to say that I pick well. Even my ex-wife’s needs were not outlandish.
But she still took off.
The bottom line is Jessica is frustrated about feeling that this is not an equal partnership. She contributes a lot and perceives that she isn’t getting a reasonable amount in return. Some of this is probably her not noticing when I do contribute. But, by and large, she’s right.
I mean, this is the woman that rebuilt my closet when I was at BlogHer just for fun. That’s a solid lady.
One of the issues is that I perceive by calling her every night that’s pretty much all I need to do. We live in different states, and there isn’t much more I can do on a daily basis. But what if I decided that every day, at least once, I would think of something really wonderful about her and say it to her. This would be in addition to the normal, “How was your day?” stuff. Also, I could do one special thing each week like write a personal note or record a rap about how much she brings the boom.
The other thing I need to work on is not criticising. The challenge is that I don’t realize I’m being a dick until I’m halfway in. I constantly try to change her behavior to match what I think she should be doing instead. I’m not proud of this, but in the moment I think it’s all perfectly logical. This pisses her off and simultaneously shreds her self-esteem. Imagine your significant other constantly suggesting that you do things a different, better way. You’d knife them in their sleep after a few months.
When she broke the news that she was nearing the edge, it was a very serious wake-up call. Now, not to beat myself up too much; I’m a good guy and I do nice things. But when someone has reasonable needs and feels like they’re putting in way more than they’re getting, it’s time to reevaluate your perception of what you’re contributing. I’m sad that I let it get this way. But it’s solvable.
I’d ask you to wish me luck, but it isn’t luck. It’s just the equivalent of losing a few pounds. Count calories and exercise. The math is pretty simple. Be present for her, praise instead of criticize, and do some nice stuff.
If nothing else, I should do it for Christmas is a few months away and I’d like a nice gift.
KateHall says:
Your girlfriend is gorgeous!
Yeah, my mom does that suggestion thing. Suggesting I do things her “better” way. It makes me feel like she thinks my way of doing things sucks and is a waste of time and often makes me feel like I suck (we’ve been over it). And I’ll probably end up doing it to my kids. I’m very critical. I always notice what is wrong with something rather than what’s right. It’s like my brain doesn’t even see what’s right. Perhaps some re-training. Like what you said.
D.J. Paris says:
KateHall Critical moms wound their kids because the kids grow up believe they can and should achieve perfection. But obviously they can’t. This is my wound too. My biggest, actually.
I should be doing just a little bit better because I’m capable… Since I’m not doing better it must mean there’s something wrong with me, or that I don’t care, or I’m lazy, etc.
Sound familiar?
dyslexicwhisper says:
Do you write her? Like write her a letter – on paper? You should. Your funny and sincere and she is obviously worth it.
D.J. Paris says:
dyslexicwhisper I AM funny and sincere and handsome! I tacked on the last one. Yes, I will write her. Thanks for the suggestion.
Smu says:
Writing her is a great idea: you could send her a postcard a week, write her a blog post on a blog just for her every day, or I second the letter idea. Send her stupid care packages. When you see her, wake up early to get her car detailed or filled with gas. Also, yeah, lay off the unnecessary criticism. It piles up ( even if “well-meant”) and festers; it begins to feel verbally abusive and can really eff up one’s self esteem. My partner didn’t see how critical he was being until I gained twenty pounds from self-loathing stress eating and made up a song to sing when he starts in on how I should be “better” at whatever asinine thing he’s zeroed in on that I do differently than he would (were he to do it). But it’s not her job to correct your path. If you realize you’re being a dick halfway in like you said, maybe stop criticizing her and apologize immediately? Then, I don’t know, fine yourself for it and send the loot to an organization she supports (one you don’t). Just an idea. At any rate, I congratulate you on recognizing the trait and trying to nip it in the bud! Step one, achieved ^_^
berleyq says:
You can do this. I only just met your blog, which is a round about way of kinda sorta meeting you — but you seem intelligent, insightful and obviously in love with this beautiful woman. yeah, you can do this.
The triplets send their love.
D.J. Paris says:
berleyq Triplets are gross.
(Sorry, just thought that would be the funniest, least expected response ever. Had to.)
Seriously, thanks for reading!
GingerBlogMan says:
I assume given you sense of humour you might poke fun at her now and again. This is a dangerous road to go down in a relationship as you don’t know which of the silly jokes can push your partner over the edge. If you are any way a good planner like me then try to slot away romantic things in your mind bank and great surprise presents and gestures to reminder her you care. Do just wait until birthdays or holidays. Then she will know how much she means to you.
You can do it DJ 😀
GingerBlogMan says:
I assume given your sense of humour you might poke fun at her now and again. This is a dangerous road to go down in a relationship as you don’t know which of the silly jokes can push your partner over the edge. If you are in any way a good planner like me then try to slot away some romantic things in your mindbank and also great surprise presents and gestures to remind her you care. Don’t just wait until birthdays or holidays. Then she will know how much she means to you.You can do it DJ 😀
D.J. Paris says:
GingerBlogMan I am a terrible planner which is why I need to schedule things out, as it doesn’t occur to me naturally. Thanks for the motivation!
knightndaze says:
Dude, you’re owning it. Thousands wouldn’t/don’t. It’s a good start. Do you criticise her when she shows a sign of separateness from you? When she does something that isn’t how you perceive her to be, does that feel like an attack?
D.J. Paris says:
knightndaze Yes, everything to me is an attack. I work on this in therapy because it’s all the nuttiness in my head. I understand this. Things are improving greatly since I wrote the post. Changes have been implemented!
Katjaneway says:
I totally get it. I’m that way too towards my husband. He feels like he never does anything right because I always tell him what he’s doing wrong. My advice is to make sure you NOTICE all the little things and make sure you MENTION them. It may seem obvious to them “yeah, of course I did good (by vacuuming)” but they want you to notice and praise them. Of course – I want the same thing. “Didn’t you see that I took out the garbage?” The little things really add up in the end. I’ve gotten better, but I know I’m not done yet. I still nag him about stuff. I’m still trying to “make him better” as it were. But I also make sure to thank him for the little things he does, too.
D.J. Paris says:
Katjaneway Yeah, it’s really just about practice. Nearly a month later, I pretty much have eliminated 80% of the criticism. I’m also in a shitload of therapy, too. 🙂
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom says:
DJ my friend, I’ll say it again…don’t fuck it up. 😉 You know what to do. Surprise her with something special, write her a poem about how much she means to you. Do one of those alphabetic lists of all the positive things you like about her. Send her adorable pup a little gift. And when you feel the urge to criticize, bite your tongue and think about what you love about her in the first place. I know of what I speak. I can be a criticizer…yep, it’s true. Food for thought. I mean this is the woman who crafted you a homemade penis and vagina for gawdsake. Now get crackin’!
D.J. Paris says:
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom As someone that’s met her, I appreciate the comment! Thanks for the advice, L!
Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom says:
tfpHumorBlog Mod Mom Beyond IndieDom Oh, you’re welcome. I hope I didn’t come off too pushy. I just want things to work out for you two crazy kids. You’re a cute couple and nobody else can rock Hermaphrodite costumes like you guys. 🙂
Natalie the Singingfool says:
Wishing you good luck anyway – the good luck to be aware of impending dickiness and nip it in the bud before it starts! Seriously, hope it goes well.
D.J. Paris says:
Natalie the Singingfool Thanks, Nat! It’ll be fine. Bitches don’t have the courage to leave.
Mommy, for real. says:
At least your eyes are open! Being aware is a good start. I need to put a sign on my mirror reminding me to shut the f*ck up when I feel like criticizing my husband for not being exactly like me. Which, if he were, we would be divorced by now. You can do it!
Mommy, for real. says:
At least your eyes are open- that’s a good start! I need to put up a sign on my mirror reminding me to shut the f*ck up when I feel like criticizing my husband for not being exactly like me. Which, if he were, we would be divorced by now. You can do it!
D.J. Paris says:
Mommy, for real. Well, just remember your criticism of anyone is really a replication of how you treat yourself. So, simply learn how to accept the shit about you that you currently hate, and the criticism to others will likely fall away.
You’re welcome and expect my bill in the mail.
about100percent says:
Look, being apart is hard for a relationship. You don’t often get the chance to connect, to have the time to voice what’s wrong because you’re always planning when to see each other again, or planning what you’ll be doing when you get there. There’s no downtime, which is when the magic relationship stuff happens.
There are no right answers. As long as you are open with each other, that’s really the best you can do.
And if she thinks she’s giving more than receiving, obviously she’s a giver and you’re a taker. Most of us are one or the other. You know what to do to even that score. The rap about the boom is a good start. Use your strengths.
D.J. Paris says:
about100percent Yes! I have to make a better effort to connect. We’re both too busy and it’s easy not to. With my inability to set a regular schedule I don’t have as many meaningful conversations that I should. Over Thanksgiving we’ll reconnect and start fresh!
MicheleLeAnn says:
My boyfriend is the super critical type too. It’s exhausting. Sometimes, I want to go off on him. But luckily, he is very perceptive, and when he’s getting to me, I definitely show it. For instance tonight, I was beginning to feel like he was just picking everything I said and did apart, and I couldn’t do anything right. Apparently he picked up on that, and proceeded to tell me like 12 things I was right about over the course of the rest of the night. So, um, try that. And remember D.J., just because she has a different idea of how things should be done, doesn’t mean that she is doing them wrong. There is always more than one way to get the same result.
D.J. Paris says:
MicheleLeAnn Ha – yes. I was just mentioning in another comment. Here it is nearly a month later, and I can honestly say I pretty much never criticize anymore. I just got in the habit. Now, I still don’t praise as much as I should. That’s phase two!
MicheleLeAnn says:
tfpHumorBlog Well that’s half the battle! Keep it up, and you may just get to keep her! 😀
D.J. Paris says:
MicheleLeAnn – Yeah, and if not, I’ll just ask you out. Get ready!
MicheleLeAnn says:
tfpHumorBlog Lol, you couldn’t handle me. I’m kinda crazy.
CathyPWBelyea says:
what you have to decide is whether she is worth changing for? and changing for yourself not for HER. do you really believe all that you say and are you happy with this, really? if not then you need to do something about it for YOU
D.J. Paris says:
CathyPWBelyea Good point. She is kind of stupid and nasty. And smelly! And she blinks weird. And she once punched a nun in the face. You know what – I’m going to end it. Thanks for pushing me into decision!
Kathy_Writer says:
Been there. It’s easier to remember criticism than praise. It’s louder in a woman’s head, it seems. After a while, we literally can’t remember all the nice things you’ve said or done (it’s really hard to) when you’re feeling hurt and feel like your self-esteem is indeed being shredded. It also eats away at love. Like I said: I’ve been there. I hope you’re working things out. It’s not too late.
D.J. Paris says:
Kathy_Writer We’re doing better. For me it’s all about repetition Once I’m conscious of it for a few days it sinks it. I don’t criticize hardly at all anymore. I’m perfect! 🙂
AdrienneAudrey says:
Here is my advice- and this is coming from someone who has been in a long distance relationship (we are married now) Surprise her be sending her flowers to her work with a nice note. An occasional card or letter in the mail telling her you love her is always appreciated. Send it snail mail. It takes way more effort to mail it and it’s a nice surprise for her. Send her occasional text messages during the day just to tell her you are thinking of her, that you hope she has a good day and that you think she’s beautiful. If you are out and about and see something that you know she would love like a book or a bracelet- buy it. Send it to her or save it for the next time you visit each other. Stop the criticizing thing immediately! Putting in the extra effort always gets noticed and goes such a long way.
D.J. Paris says:
AdrienneAudrey I just did the flowers thing at your suggestion. She loved it!!! Thanks for the thoughtful response.