I have slowly turned into a guy who dumps water in garbage cans.

It started at work. I have an office with a little garbage can. Since I’m the only one that is ever in my office I have full control of what goes in the trash. I only toss paper in there. Even though I eat in my office my two turkey sandwiches for lunch are packaged in tupperware containers. I have a napkin that gets tossed each meal but most of the time it goes unused. I don’t even put any condiments on the sandwich. Just spinach, turkey, cheese and tomato. So, none of my foodstuffs end up on the napkin or in the garbage.

I only drink water at work. In the morning I make a protein shake but that gets washed out in the bathroom sink when finished. The rest of the day it’s water from a cooler. My dog comes with me to work and site under a chair in my office. Each morning I swap out the water in her dish. This is where I first dump water into my garbage. Old dog water.

Now, the dog is only six pounds and doesn’t drink her water all sloppy like some inconsiderate Saint Bernard. She’s a lady and doesn’t make a mess. But still, it’s old dog water. In the trash it goes. All three ounces.

At the end of the day I probably have half a glass of water which also is chucked into the garbage. I estimate each day about ten ounces of water is dumped in my office garbage can. Which sounds like a lot, right?

Nah, son! (such an urban phrase, D.J.!)

When I was in high school I developed a philosophy which was simply titled “Something Will Eat It.” I would chuck mostly anything out of car windows that I believed bore no danger of polluting the earth. This idea came to me one day as I was eating fried chicken in my car, while driving. At the time I had a stickshift and I was getting annoyed at all the gear changing and red lights. Halfway through a thigh I became so frustrated I threw the piece of chicken out my driver’s side window without thinking about it.

I was shocked at what I had done. The more I thought about it, though, I realized all was well. Half eaten chicken won’t sit on asphalt for long. Something will come along and eat it. But, D.J., what about the b0nes? First, I would tell you that something will come along and eat the bones, like a raccoon or worm or something. And even if it didn’t the bones would eventually roll off to the grass where the earth would reabsorb their nutrients.

See? This is clearly not littering.

I have a similar philosophy for water in my office garbage. First, since nothing else is in there except paper, I see no crime. So a few pieces of paper get wet. They’ll dry soon enough, and all the moisture will turn back to gas and reenter the atmosphere. I’m not entirely sure how water turns back into gas when it’s not boiling but it must happen. That glass of water I haven’t touched for a week on my bedside table is losing a half-inch a day.

I’ve found myself dumping water in garbages outside, too. The insanity is that water can basically be dumped on any outside surface without ever causing any issue environmentally. But I have found myself pouring out a water bottle out into our condo’s trash bin or public garbage can. I realize this is poor form. I’m just so used to it.

I’m going to ask the guy that cleans the office once a week and replaces the trash liner if my garbage is heavy with liquid. In my fantasy he will say, “What? How could a garbage can full of nothing but paper have liquid?” If this plays out in reality, I’m going to fist pump the air and declare victory on the elements.

However, if he mentions that some dick keeps pouring water into my garbage can making the liner all heavy, I’m going to have to blame it on someone. Someone will need to take the hit. I’ll choose whoever’s not in the office that day.

I would love to take a water bottle and equally pour it in all four cans. I would have fun with this.

photo credit: Sebastiano Pitruzzello (aka gorillaradio) via photopin cc

Tagged as: garbage can, tomato, turkey