On the way home from work riding my bike ten miles I realized I had nothing to write about for tonight. This is not uncommon and often I sit in front of the keyboard for many minutes trying to come up with content.
For some reason this thought popped into my head seemingly from nowhere:
I wish I had kidney stones so I could pass them because that would give me two weeks of blog material.
I’d like to clarify that I have a low tolerance for pain. I’m not a fan. I doubt I would enjoy passing a kidney stone. But still, in my fantasy mind, I decided it would make a perfect story. Plus, the sound of the crystallized calcium shooting out of my urethra and hitting the side of the bowl with a loud “ding” would be funny.
This is how immature I am. I know that it’s supposed to be one of the most painful experiences for men. But in that moment I was actually sad I didn’t have kidney stones to write about. Since it’s clear that I don’t have kidney stones, I had to move into another thought. One that I’ve had for years.
I would like to grow out my mustache and beard for charity, and wax it all off.
One time I sort of did this. I grew out my mustache for five days and then used some wax stuff. I could only peel it slowly off and felt every hair being yanked from the root. It hurt so bad I could only do one third of the ‘stache. If I had been able to rip it clean off, it probably wouldn’t have been so intense. That was the first and only time I ever waxed any of my face.
I’ve gone so far into this fantasy that I’ve even searched and found beard waxing videos on Youtube. Done properly it actually doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. One guy did it for Mo’vember which I have participated in the past. I even sent him a personal message asking about it. He said it was great and that he didn’t have to shave for two weeks.
Would you pay to see me grow my beard out and get it waxed? I think it would be hilarious. Yes, I’d cry and bleed, but it would give me at least two days’ worth of stories.
Now, lest you think I am unable to grow said beard and mustache, I say, “Quiet naysayers!” Sure, I’m not a hairy Italian slob, but I still have to shave every day. It’s mostly blonde and brown, with a little red thrown in. Wouldn’t you care to see it ripped at the root?
Ooh… maybe for an extra hundred bucks I’d let the waxer dump a little rubbing alcohol on the skin afterwards. That would really make for great video. Plus, you’d see me punch an aesthetician right in her face. This is sounding better and better.
So, is there something psychologically unsound about me that I have a beard waxing fantasy? My other fantasies generally involve pizza. I’m a simple man.
Interestingly enough, waxing my chest (and I am pretty hairy there) does not appeal to me at all. I’m not against the idea, but I wouldn’t seek it out. Plus, I don’t want my nips to get ripped off on that sugarwax concoction.