Fun With Yahoo Answers

by D.J. Paris on July 23, 2014

I needed a new distraction.

God forbid I actually sit down and improve my skills as a serious writer. That would be worthwhile and intelligent. For some reason this year I’ve had the hardest time getting motivated to do much.

I usually just go for candy and writing one-liners on Twitter.

Anyway, I was dreaming two nights ago and I came up with something that made me laugh. It woke me up around 3am. Then when I woke up later that morning, it was still funny to me. Often stuff that I write in my dreams doesn’t maintain it’s hilarity in beta consciousness.

I went about creating an online persona that would match the level of sophomoric humor this project commanded.

Enter Kymberlee. Her hometown according to the Yahoo profile I created for her is “Alabama, Ya’ll.” She is my foil.

dumb girl

I sincerely hope she’s not a regular reader.

Yahoo Answers is the perfect repository for my silliness. It’s a mix of people who take themselves way too serious and other people who make fun of those people.

The question that had me giggling mid-REM was:

Do redheaded people really not have souls?

I posted that in the religious section of the website. I had also written, “I haven’t yet finished the bible, but my understanding is that the ginger is born without a soul. Does anyone know if this is factually true?”

The responses were amazing. Sadly, they are gone now after some d-bag reported me to the spam police. About 50% made fun of redheads, 25% quoted bible passages about how we all have souls, and 25% told me to stop trolling their forum.

My next question was this (posted in the pet forum):

Best way to insert contacts (in a dog)?

Hi! A few years ago I got the laser surgery for my eyeballs and now I see so awesome. 

Last night I was going through my medicine cabinet and I found a whole box of contacts that I had never used.

Since obviously some dogs see better than other (like us people) I figured I’d give my Chihuahua an edge and tried to put the contacts in her eyes. 

Man, she was not having it! It was like I was trying to give her a bath! 

Anyway, I’d like her to test them out just in case they help her see better. Any ideas on how to get her cool with it?

Some highlight answers…

“You obviously have no clue about vision and optics.”

“Dogs eyes are different from humans, and your dog probably doesn’t have the same prescription that you did.”

I was on a roll.

Yahoo Answers only allow you to do five questions a day. Here’s some of my favorites questions thus far.

Where did Jesus go to college?

 I have a report due this afternoon. I’m guessing the Middle East somewhere? Help!

And this one, posted in the etiquette section (these people have NO sense of humor):

What should I shoplift next?

I’ve recently become really excellent at shoplifting. If there was an trophy for shoplifting, I would have already shoplifted it. 

I’m out of ideas these days on what I should shoplift next. It’s like I have writer’s block. For shoplifting! 

All ideas will be considered. One will be chosen. Go.

One more:

Does Nickelback rock?

I’m pretty sure they don’t, but some other people claim they most definitely do. It’s confusing.

I lied. Just one more:

Best way to impress a guy?

Some of my friends say tight sweaters but I think that would be uncomfortable. Maybe if I read up on politics and that thing in the Ukraine. I’m open to anything that would help me land a boy.

Surprisingly only two of my questions have been deleted by moderators. The ginger one and a question I posed to people in the etiquette section on if it’s uncouth to play “I stole your nose!” with a child at a funeral service.

I always wanted to be good at something. I think this may be it.

Not sure how long the Yahoo Answers community is going to tolerate me, but if you’d like to check out my current list of questions and community answers, you can do so here. I’ll be adding five new ones a day until they boot me.

Which should be soon.

UPDATE – looks like they blocked me. I’m actually on the phone with Yahoo right now to get it turned back on. Should be a hilarious phone call.

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17 comments… read them below or add one

Kate Hall July 24, 2014 at 8:28 am

OMG, these are hilarious! I saw the first one – what to get your grandma for her birthday bc she’s old and gross. The responses are hilarious! This is the modern prank phone call. So funny!
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Swathi Shenoy July 24, 2014 at 11:14 am

Lol :D That was hilarious :D I am rolling with laughter :D
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Salma July 24, 2014 at 11:28 am

Those are definitely some interesting questions lol!
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Sarah (est. 1975) July 24, 2014 at 10:58 pm

Kate’s right – the grandma one was the best. But I like anything with the key words “old,” “gross,” and “grandma.” So maybe I shouldn’t be in the focus group for that one.

Are you taking suggestions? Here’s one: “If you use the word “focus group” in a sentence, does that make you a pathetic loser or merely a douchebag?”
Sarah (est. 1975) recently posted…fitted sheet tutorial

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Gary Sidley July 25, 2014 at 11:35 am

Hilarious stuff! Boys are never too old to play pranks.
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qwertygirl July 25, 2014 at 10:30 pm

OK, the “stole your nose” at a funeral got me. What about asking about leaving Nyquil out for Santa? Or one of the “White Album backwards” questions? Except instead of “Paul is dead” ask if is said, “Where’s the beef?” or maybe, “David Koresh is the Messiah.” Or something.
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Ann Marie July 26, 2014 at 4:10 pm

OMG – love this!!!!!

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Lisa July 26, 2014 at 6:14 pm

Hilarious! I linked up to you this week in my latest post!
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Jen July 27, 2014 at 5:26 pm

Very funny post! Thanks for the add on Twitter, just checking out your website per your direct message.

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Katy Bug August 1, 2014 at 8:10 pm

Block!? Aw, man. I wanted to read more of your stuff! Although I do worry about some idiots trying to contacts in their pets’ eyes. Aaaand now I’m picturing how my cat would probably freak out if I tried to touch his eyeballs. Dear Lord. It’s too funny.
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Karma Girl August 2, 2014 at 4:20 pm

You are my hero, sir. You are the wind beneath my wings.
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Alanna August 5, 2014 at 5:40 am

I’m a redhead, but the jury’s still out on the question of souls…
some people even think animals don’t have souls, which is sad because I’d totally give my “soul” (which I may or may not have) to one of my cats so that he could go to Cat-Heaven. But anyway, be careful because apparently that is becoming more serious than a South Park joke.
(People are catching on. We can’t have that.)
Love your blog, by the way, as well as the other identity. :)
Alanna recently posted…“FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, MAN! WHERE ARE THE CLEAN TOWELS???”

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Michele August 5, 2014 at 3:56 pm

Thanks for the twitter message… and to think I thought you might be all the way in paris! Hilarious.
Count me in as a fan!
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Annie August 6, 2014 at 8:25 pm

Loved your funeral joke. Laughed out loud. I think a tight sweater at the funeral would have amused the kid a lot more. They never get the adult sweater thing. Annie

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Dahlia August 6, 2014 at 8:50 pm

Hahaha your questions are hilarious! I hope Yahoo doesn’t block you… It probably will though because it’s not as cool as Google

I’m ashamed to say that I used to be one of those people who took themselves too seriously on Yahoo Answers, until I saw the following question

“HELP! CORN IN MY POOP. DIGESTIVE SYSTEM NOT WORKIN?”

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Silke August 20, 2014 at 8:18 am

Fantastic post however I was wanting to know if you could write a litte
more on this topic? I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate
a little bit more. Appreciate it!
Silke recently posted…Silke

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Teri A. August 20, 2014 at 10:15 pm

Because when you need to go incognito think Alabama.

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