I needed a new distraction.
God forbid I actually sit down and improve my skills as a serious writer. That would be worthwhile and intelligent. For some reason this year I’ve had the hardest time getting motivated to do much.
I usually just go for candy and writing one-liners on Twitter.
Anyway, I was dreaming two nights ago and I came up with something that made me laugh. It woke me up around 3am. Then when I woke up later that morning, it was still funny to me. Often stuff that I write in my dreams doesn’t maintain it’s hilarity in beta consciousness.
I went about creating an online persona that would match the level of sophomoric humor this project commanded.
Enter Kymberlee. Her hometown according to the Yahoo profile I created for her is “Alabama, Ya’ll.” She is my foil.
Yahoo Answers is the perfect repository for my silliness. It’s a mix of people who take themselves way too serious and other people who make fun of those people.
The question that had me giggling mid-REM was:
Do redheaded people really not have souls?
I posted that in the religious section of the website. I had also written, “I haven’t yet finished the bible, but my understanding is that the ginger is born without a soul. Does anyone know if this is factually true?”
The responses were amazing. Sadly, they are gone now after some d-bag reported me to the spam police. About 50% made fun of redheads, 25% quoted bible passages about how we all have souls, and 25% told me to stop trolling their forum.
My next question was this (posted in the pet forum):
Best way to insert contacts (in a dog)?
Hi! A few years ago I got the laser surgery for my eyeballs and now I see so awesome.
Last night I was going through my medicine cabinet and I found a whole box of contacts that I had never used.
Since obviously some dogs see better than other (like us people) I figured I’d give my Chihuahua an edge and tried to put the contacts in her eyes.
Man, she was not having it! It was like I was trying to give her a bath!
Anyway, I’d like her to test them out just in case they help her see better. Any ideas on how to get her cool with it?
Some highlight answers…
“You obviously have no clue about vision and optics.”
“Dogs eyes are different from humans, and your dog probably doesn’t have the same prescription that you did.”
I was on a roll.
Yahoo Answers only allow you to do five questions a day. Here’s some of my favorites questions thus far.
Where did Jesus go to college?
I have a report due this afternoon. I’m guessing the Middle East somewhere? Help!
And this one, posted in the etiquette section (these people have NO sense of humor):
What should I shoplift next?
I’ve recently become really excellent at shoplifting. If there was an trophy for shoplifting, I would have already shoplifted it.
I’m out of ideas these days on what I should shoplift next. It’s like I have writer’s block. For shoplifting!
All ideas will be considered. One will be chosen. Go.
Does Nickelback rock?
I’m pretty sure they don’t, but some other people claim they most definitely do. It’s confusing.
I lied. Just one more:
Best way to impress a guy?
Some of my friends say tight sweaters but I think that would be uncomfortable. Maybe if I read up on politics and that thing in the Ukraine. I’m open to anything that would help me land a boy.
Surprisingly only two of my questions have been deleted by moderators. The ginger one and a question I posed to people in the etiquette section on if it’s uncouth to play “I stole your nose!” with a child at a funeral service.
I always wanted to be good at something. I think this may be it.
Not sure how long the Yahoo Answers community is going to tolerate me, but if you’d like to check out my current list of questions and community answers, you can do so here. I’ll be adding five new ones a day until they boot me.
Which should be soon.
UPDATE – looks like they blocked me. I’m actually on the phone with Yahoo right now to get it turned back on. Should be a hilarious phone call.