Today is my girlfriend Jessica’s birthday. The big 1-8!

That joke was too easy.

I did something never before – purchased a gift over the phone, had it shipped down to the ATL where she lives, and am about to listen to her open it live. After she thanks me I will still have no idea what this thing is or what it looks like. This is not my fault.

When she was in Chicago visiting this summer, she would often frequent Michigan Avenue for shopping excursions. Jessica was in WaterTower Place one afternoon and stumbled across Henri Bendel and really dug one of their bracelets. She casually mentioned this later that evening. I went home, looked online, and there were about 50 different bracelets and I had failed to remember any other part of that conversation where she described it in detail.

Then I had to do that crappy move that not only reminds the girlfriend that you weren’t listening, but that also tells her that you’re buying her the bracelet. You have to talk about it in a slightly demure fashion as to do your best not to tip your hand.

So, that bracelet you liked at Henri Bendel – what about it really spoke to you?

You don’t have to be a cryptologist to decipher that code. After she provided some of the details I still had to act all casual. Halfway through her describing it I interrupted and asked about the Atlanta Braves. Then I forgot the season’s been over for a few months now.

When I got back to the website, the bracelet she described simply wasn’t there. Rat farts! I was going to have to call this one in. The next morning I spoke to some dopey salesgirl who couldn’t stop giggling at everything I said. Truth be told I was shooting forth jokes the whole time because I knew she was going to laugh at everything I said.

She took the order, promised to wrap it and send it down south. I should have asked for a receipt or a confirmation number. She was all of twenty one and sounded high on mushrooms. Even though I ordered it in plenty of time, the gift arrived only today, which was perfect. Jessica called and was very excited and grateful.

There was no way, save me going down to WaterTower to purchase it, that I was going to see this bracelet ahead of time. And, even though it’s what she wanted, I still feel removed from the experience, and therefore a little guilty. I didn’t get her anything that I picked out on my own. So, I need to come up with something.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned from the women I’ve dated/married, is they don’t care how much you spend on them. At least I’ve never been with somebody who does. But, if you can make a gift, or write something beautiful, that seems to touch them more deeply.

If you have suggestions for me, write below. Otherwise the Mike & Ike’s gift card I bought at Walgreens (good for any 24 boxes of Mike & Ike’s) is going in the mail. God, I hope she likes Mike & Ike. But, who doesn’t?

You know you eat the whole box in one sitting.

photo credit: Snorkler17 via photo pin cc