Will My Love Keep Me Warm While My Furnace is Out? (WORST TITLE EVER)

by D.J. Paris on February 21, 2013

My furnace went kaput last Friday.

It turns out you’re supposed to clean the filters every few months or so. You’d think this would have dawned on me after eight years of owning a place. But I’m kind of a moron when it comes to that stuff. I’m good at sitting down on the ground, pulling up a laptop and writing. I don’t do much cleaning except to say that I try to reduce clutter. That is my version of cleaning – putting things away. As the dust piles, it piles on empty tables. I’m proud of this. It’s a sad badge of honor.

Once I realized the furnace wasn’t working I pulled out the filter and took it into my walk in shower. I turned on the faucet and rained shower water upon the filter. Heavy black stuff (dust I guess) fell off and onto the floor of the stall. I then used my big toe to push the dirt into the center where the drain sits. I smushed it down. This is probably not protocol in the handbook for proper furnace maintenance. But I was naked at the time. I didn’t really want to get dressed to solve this problem.

The furnace kept blinking four red lights in a row. I took to Google and found out that my max limiter had most likely busted. A direct result of not cleaning the filter. Poops!

I looked at the thermometer. It read 62°. That’s getting on the cold side. In fact once I saw it I felt instantly colder. It was a mind-f**k for sure.

Thankfully I live at the top floor of our building. This means I get the heat from all the other units. Probably the farts, too. No matter. I ain’t a complainer.

When I called the furnace guy, after $145 he confirmed what took me five minutes to find on Google for free. The max limiter was busted. It would take them until Tuesday to fix which meant I had the weekend to myself in the no-heat.

I had completely forgotten that I had bought a space heater for work. Problem with that purchase was that it blew every fuse in the office when I used it. That was a funny day. So I had taken it home where it was collecting the aforementioned dust.

The space heater worked just fine over the weekend and I only had to transport it from living room to bedroom. It even has a remote control. Things that shouldn’t have remote controls but have remote controls always excite me. Like ceiling fans, lighting, blinds, car starters, and now space heaters. I kept it at the same temperature the whole time so I didn’t get to use it all that often.

That last paragraph was unnecessary. Oh well, it’s staying in!

This is funny – the technician tried to screw me. I had a coupon for $35 off. I told the dispatch woman on the phone as much, but only after she gave me the total amount. She said just to mention it to the guy when he was there and they’d take it off the bill.

When I mentioned I had a coupon he decided to add $35 to the bill and then subtract it out. Thankfully I had memorized the total given to me earlier and realized what he was doing. I called him out. He, English not being his first language used that as a convenient excuse to why he “misunderstood.” Thieves are great, aren’t they?

So, heat is now back and I really kind of miss the cold. It made me get used to something uncomfortable at first and then learn to live in it. I’d even say I got more done is the discomfort. There’s a life metaphor in here somewhere, but, who am I, Deepak Chopra?

Oh, by the way – I’m back. Get ready for the stupid.

Furnace Genius

My furnace repair guy had some interesting techniques. Also, no eyebrows.

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