So, Apparently I’m a Deadbeat

I tear myself down quite a bit.  This morning my therapist made me say out loud several accomplishments I should acknowledge.  As a thirty-six year old man, I was embarrassed.  I did struggle.  Then I got into the rhythm and started firing out everything I’m currently doing right.

Four minutes later she put her hand up.  â€Okay, that’s enough.”

I grew up being told I was special, smart, and talented.  That’s a well-intentioned message, but also created the expectation within myself that I had to be perfect.  Since I’m not, I was always disappointed with imperfection.  A “B” could have been an “A” should I have studied harder, as I’m obviously smart enough to get those grades.  That is still with me today.

One thing I have always done a good job of is paying the bills.  I don’t have much money left over, mind you.  But the bills get paid.  Thank God.  Obviously that could change in a heartbeat, but for today, I’m good.

I was in my doctor’s office (two in one day!) this evening who I see every six months.  We just go over some stuff and I’m in and out in fifteen minutes.

Since I pay for my own health insurance, my benefits suck old-man nutsack.  My doctor isn’t on the Aetna plan, so I have to pay that out-of-network whatever which is not fun.  Not fun at all, I tells ya! (hopefully you inserted an old-timey 1920s voice there.  If not, go back and read it again.)

Before we get started he says, “Oh, Rocio (his assistant) says you have a balance of $447 with us.  Can you take care of that with her?”

Let’s back up a step.  Six months ago I got a bill from them, as usual.  It was for $300 or so.  And I was thinking, “Oh my God, one appointment is $300?  I can’t afford to keep seeing him!  I’m going to have to break up and return the half a locket necklace!”  In fact, I was going to tell him tonight it was just too expensive.

After he said the balance, I said:

Oh my gosh.  I totally thought I paid that.  That was for last meeting, yes?

No, these sessions are only $88.  This has got to be a few years old.

I haven’t paid you in a few years?  I am so embarrassed.  I am sorry.  I had no idea.

No problem, just work it out with her.

—

I wanted to slink down into the chair and disappear.  Because deadbeats who don’t pay their bills react the same way.  Except they feign shock, whereas mine was real.  I found myself thinking, “I hope he buys that I’m sincere!”

So, while I always applauded myself for not being a deadbeat, at least to his office manager, I am one.  Tomorrow I won’t be and they’ll clear the balance.  But after I initially shamed myself, I sort of just went, “Oh, who cares?  It’s a mistake.  You’re human.”  I’m learning how to be kinder to myself.

Oh, and if the hair salon I go to reads this post (some of them do), then I’d like to formally apologize for sealing the tip envelopes without any money in them.  That was, ah, a mistake.  Or it wasn’t.  You’ll never know!  (insert ghoulish laugh)

photo credit:  xJason.Rogersx  via  photo pin  cc