The Cause Of My Suffering

Posted by D.J. on Dec 12, 2011 | 5 comments

I’d like to get serious for a moment.  For reals, yo.

The cause of  much of my suffering is the illusion that I am different from you.

Even those she's suffering, she's suffering in a super-sexy way.

We are all different.  We’re not all the same.  You have certain abilities and I have others.  Different.

But when I see myself as different from you, I tend to focus on how we’re different, and then I categorize that into a “good” or “bad” bucket.  Or more accurately, a “I’m better than you” bucket or “I’m worse than you” bucket.

For example, I’m probably funnier than you.  How do I know this?  Because I’m comparing you to me.  And while it may be true that I can turn a funny phrase more effectively in an objective sense (although not in this post), it still separates me and offers little value.  Because when I remember that you’re different than me, we’re separated.  And if you’re like me, being separated is terrifying and depressing.

And you, you can do things I can’t.  Like touch your toes.  I have never touched my goddamn toes.  I mean, if I bend my knees I can grab a pinky.  But not when they’re straight.  And I don’t even get close, like at least a good foot away.  I’m awesome at touching my shins.  But not my toes.  This is also depressing for some reason.

When I see people who can, I envy the shit out of them.  And fucking palms-to-the-floor people, they can burn in hell.  God, do I want so badly to put my palms to the floor.  I know, I’m weird.

This drawing pisses me off.

I find that I am often envious of friends that appear to do better than me.  More money, better discipline at working out and eating, a nice wife and kids, and other stuff.

Now, I know that the grass is almost never actually greener.  We all struggle, and our spouses always suck at least sometimes.  Our kids, too.  Well, at least your kids.  Your kids really do suck.

But like those of you than can touch your wrists to the floor, I need to learn how to see that as different, but without judgment.  It is neither better or worse.  Just not the same as what I can do.

But how can I achieve this level of separate but equal?  Well, the only thing that works for me is through intimate connection with others.  Especially others that I see as different from me.

Example: I take a bus every day where I am often the only white person.  It’s easy to see the color difference and feel very alone because nobody looks like me.  One of the ways I cope with feeling alone and uncomfortable is to notice certain differences about us.  I sometimes think, “I dress better than that guy!” or, “Wow, she seems to be happier than me!”  And those value judgments keep me away from others, and often feeling superior or inferior to my fellows.  Yes, I said fellows.  It rocks.

Once in awhile, however, one of the passengers will make a cute comment about my dog in her backpack.  This usually leads to a funny exchange between me and the other person.  And then, for at least a moment, we’re connected.

More importantly, I’m not better or worse than you.

Most importantly, I’m not alone.

Hard day at the office.