Some Skag Spit Sunflower Seeds

by D.J. Paris on February 25, 2013

I thought that when I took my writing vacation a ton of great ideas would hit me. My batteries would be recharged, so to speak.

Didn’t happen.

Looks like I’ll just continue to trudge along writing about my daily life. You seem to like that best anyway. The good news is that the book is essentially done. The first draft is complete and I need to figure out what Amazon needs to greenlight it. Probably some editing. I decided not to do the whole book in Comic Sans font, by the way. If you’re not familiar this is the most reviled of all the fonts. I still think it would have been funny. But, Times New Roman, you old classic bastard, won over my heart. Actually I think Word just defaults to that and I shrugged – good enough.

I’m back suckas! So get ready for more of the same.

Today, on the bus home from work, I stood next to a woman who was eating sunflower seeds. She looked normal without any sort of obvious mental condition. I mention this because she was clearly batshit crazy. My suspicion is a personality disorder and definitely a narcissist. I came to this conclusion as I watched her crack her sunflower seeds from mouth to hand and then deposit the shells directly to the floor of the bus. It was magnificent.

Sunflower Seeds

Look, she didn’t want to get her green pants dirty. I can dig it.

I couldn’t stop staring at her. She was a hell of a lot more engaging than the movie Lincoln, I can tell you that. Sure, she didn’t free the slaves or anything, but watching her teeth and hands mesmerized me. Well, she did free the meat from the shells, that’s for sure. I think the inside of a seed is called the meat. In fact I’m pretty sure it’s considered a “meat” in the food group thing. Or maybe I made that up years ago and didn’t remember. I don’t have an editor and I’m not about to fact check. I roll raw, people.

Also, you don’t see a lot of chicks downing sunflower seeds. That market is generally reserved for high school baseball players who don’t have the cajones to try out some RedMan – the chew of champs. It’s like when I see a woman smoking those cigar cigarettes. You know – the thin, small brown ones. I respect the unladylike-ness of it. By the way I should report that I work in kind of a crappy area of town.

Actually, that’s not true. The neighborhood is fine. It’s completely changed over the past decade or so. Just nobody thought to tell the pimp clothing store next to us. I’m not kidding. They sell real pimp clothes. It’s amazing. And awesome.

I will say though that watching someone deposit their shells directly onto a bus floor made me both angry and sad. Angry that some poor schlub will have to clean up this bitch’s mess. Probably the nice driver who said hello to me as I entered. Sad because it’s a subtle reminder of depression. You can’t look at it without getting a little bummed out. After the bus ride I jumped on the subway onto a new car that already had black marker all over the windows where some shithead had tagged it. He was nice enough to write the f-word a few times, too. Depressing.

Now, I never pick up my dog’s poop. This is my thing. My dog is seven pounds and it dries out within a day and who cares, right? I’ve come back after a few days and you can’t even see it anymore. But that’s not the point. I’m depositing shit-shells on the floor and not picking them up.

I think you can sort of judge a person by how much depression they cause in others. If someone saw my dog taking a shit, me congratulating her on being a “good girl” and then simply walking off, they might get upset. So, I’m causing some bad feelings in others and simply because I’m too lazy to pick up what a big dog owner can’t get away with. Now, I’m proud to say that’s pretty much my only vice that affects others.

And, unlike the seed lady I’m ready to change. No more will I let my dog’s poop go uncleaned! I will pick it up. I pledge this to you. Word is bond, yo.

I did buy like 500 biodegradable baggies and I’m ready to rock. Can wait to feel my dog’s first conjure of black magic. If I throw up, I’ll take a photo. And not clean it up.

 

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11 comments… read them below or add one

Kate Hall February 25, 2013 at 11:47 pm

Too funny. I can’t believe you haven’t been picking up your dog’s crap. Isn’t there like a major fine for that? How in the heck did you take that picture of the woman’s legs and the sunflower seeds? Bold. That is so funny.

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Andrea February 26, 2013 at 8:57 am

So many things about this post that I had to comment on:

“Some Skag Spit Sunflower Seeds” – What an awesome title. I’m pretty sure that if Cindy Brady had repeated this mantra over and over to cure her lisp, The Brady Bunch would still be on air today.

Spitting sunflower seed shells is nasty – it makes me gag. Kudos to you and your iron stomach for being able to watch this whole situation go down. I sure wouldn’t have been able to.

Those thin, small brown cigarillos – when I think about taking up smoking for fun I envision myself classing it up by smoking these. All the older gentlemen in my neighborhood smoke ‘em when they mow their lawns, and damn if it doesn’t make me want to fetch them a glass of scotch while they wipe their brows and/or hitch up their pants.

I can’t believe you don’t pick up your dog’s poop. That is the worst ever violation of pet owner law. It would never occur to me to not pick up my pet’s poop, if I had one, which I don’t, because having to pick up excrement is not one of my major life goals. Of course, I once got hate mail for letting the stray cat that I fed roam the neighborhood, so I might live in a more pet nazi-concentrated area.

Good for you for turning over a new leaf and deciding that carrying a baggie of turds around is your new thing. :)

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Jessi February 26, 2013 at 9:30 am

Things like this just serve to remind me of why I live in the country.

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Sue February 26, 2013 at 4:28 pm

If your 7 pound dog is pooping in your own yard, I see no reason to pick it up, just recycle back to mother earth and the green gods will be happy. But, I get it if it is not your property, then I am surprised that no one has come running after you and scolded you. As always, you are the funniest.

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Jessica Scott February 26, 2013 at 5:57 pm

What a great story! I have crazy things happen all the time too. So much so that that’s one of the main reasons i started my blog. Can’t wait to read the next one.

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nitebyrd February 26, 2013 at 6:22 pm

Could never understand why comic sans is so hated. Or why buses get no respect

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Cheryl Clark February 26, 2013 at 8:39 pm

You had me almost>> peeing in my pants.. To funny, but I can visualize the whole thing.. and feel your pain..

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Shelley February 27, 2013 at 2:09 am

I once took a bus trip from Egypt to Israel. As we hurtled through the Sinai desert, the busdriver drove with one foot up on the (do not know what it is called – control panel? dash?) dash, one hand on the wheel, the other hand feeding pumpkin seeds into his mouth which he chewed and then spat the shells out everywhere.

The noise would no doubt have been annoying but for the extremely loud egyptian (in Arabic) movie playing on the tv screen (it was a luxury bus).

It was horrific…and yet at the same time kind of awesome.

[Amazing work completing the book, by the way. That IS genuinely awesome] :)

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Lani February 28, 2013 at 2:21 am

I see this happen on the NYC subways all the time…soy sauce packets, napkins, dirty syringes. And you almost had me convinced not to pick up my dog’s poop. Damn! haha

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staci hart March 1, 2013 at 8:58 am

You are simultaneously awful and awesome, just like all of the rest of us. At least you give enough of a shit (even if it’s dog shit) to do something about it.

ps – thanks for the twitter follow – glad to connect!

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Ericamos March 1, 2013 at 6:56 pm

I thought the sunflowers seed shells were bad till you admitted to leaving your dog’s poop!! I’m so glad you’re going to start picking them up. I’ve grabbed warm little chihuahua poops through a bag while pet sitting…call me gross, but it’s kinda cool. You’re literally holding shit in your hands, but without the germs or stains. :)

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