thoughts

Fun With Yahoo Answers

by D.J. Paris on July 23, 2014

I needed a new distraction.

God forbid I actually sit down and improve my skills as a serious writer. That would be worthwhile and intelligent. For some reason this year I’ve had the hardest time getting motivated to do much.

I usually just go for candy and writing one-liners on Twitter.

Anyway, I was dreaming two nights ago and I came up with something that made me laugh. It woke me up around 3am. Then when I woke up later that morning, it was still funny to me. Often stuff that I write in my dreams doesn’t maintain it’s hilarity in beta consciousness.

I went about creating an online persona that would match the level of sophomoric humor this project commanded.

Enter Kymberlee. Her hometown according to the Yahoo profile I created for her is “Alabama, Ya’ll.” She is my foil.

dumb girl

I sincerely hope she’s not a regular reader.

Yahoo Answers is the perfect repository for my silliness. It’s a mix of people who take themselves way too serious and other people who make fun of those people.

The question that had me giggling mid-REM was:

Do redheaded people really not have souls?

I posted that in the religious section of the website. I had also written, “I haven’t yet finished the bible, but my understanding is that the ginger is born without a soul. Does anyone know if this is factually true?”

The responses were amazing. Sadly, they are gone now after some d-bag reported me to the spam police. About 50% made fun of redheads, 25% quoted bible passages about how we all have souls, and 25% told me to stop trolling their forum.

My next question was this (posted in the pet forum):

Best way to insert contacts (in a dog)?

Hi! A few years ago I got the laser surgery for my eyeballs and now I see so awesome. 

Last night I was going through my medicine cabinet and I found a whole box of contacts that I had never used.

Since obviously some dogs see better than other (like us people) I figured I’d give my Chihuahua an edge and tried to put the contacts in her eyes. 

Man, she was not having it! It was like I was trying to give her a bath! 

Anyway, I’d like her to test them out just in case they help her see better. Any ideas on how to get her cool with it?

Some highlight answers…

“You obviously have no clue about vision and optics.”

“Dogs eyes are different from humans, and your dog probably doesn’t have the same prescription that you did.”

I was on a roll.

Yahoo Answers only allow you to do five questions a day. Here’s some of my favorites questions thus far.

Where did Jesus go to college?

 I have a report due this afternoon. I’m guessing the Middle East somewhere? Help!

And this one, posted in the etiquette section (these people have NO sense of humor):

What should I shoplift next?

I’ve recently become really excellent at shoplifting. If there was an trophy for shoplifting, I would have already shoplifted it. 

I’m out of ideas these days on what I should shoplift next. It’s like I have writer’s block. For shoplifting! 

All ideas will be considered. One will be chosen. Go.

One more:

Does Nickelback rock?

I’m pretty sure they don’t, but some other people claim they most definitely do. It’s confusing.

I lied. Just one more:

Best way to impress a guy?

Some of my friends say tight sweaters but I think that would be uncomfortable. Maybe if I read up on politics and that thing in the Ukraine. I’m open to anything that would help me land a boy.

Surprisingly only two of my questions have been deleted by moderators. The ginger one and a question I posed to people in the etiquette section on if it’s uncouth to play “I stole your nose!” with a child at a funeral service.

I always wanted to be good at something. I think this may be it.

Not sure how long the Yahoo Answers community is going to tolerate me, but if you’d like to check out my current list of questions and community answers, you can do so here. I’ll be adding five new ones a day until they boot me.

Which should be soon.

9 comments

New Video Series Starting Tonight!

by D.J. Paris on June 30, 2014

Announcing a brand new video-series with my friend Melany from MelanysGuylines.com!

We have some fun ideas planned – but, first we need your help before we shoot tonight…

Do you have a story of a friend that went crazy?

I know you do. I do. Hell, you might even be the person who went nuts! We want to hear it! Also, we’re going to discuss it on the air.

If you’d like to share, please comment below or complete this form.

We need your stories by 8pm CST tonight!

Hurry up, for chrissakes!

dj dog sleeping

Me with my dog.

melany berger

Melany with hers.

Here’s a short video!

1 comment

I was introduced to the idea of “mindfulness” around four years ago by my therapist.

Now it’s all the rage and there are books on how to be mindful in business, weight loss, parenting, and even extreme kiteboarding.

Basically it boils down to just paying goddamn attention to what’s going on inside.

As someone that has ADD and former addictions I know little about being present for what’s going on inside. I’ve written about this ad nauseum, but other than occasionally, I haven’t really put it into practice. One of the challenges with mindfulness is that it’s usually wrapped around meditation. I’m not flexible enough for the lotus position and I don’t have any patchouli oil to burn. Plus, new age music gives me the creeps.

I read a story from a Harvard prof, Ellen Langer, who’s been studying mindfulness since the 1970s. Nobody paid much attention to her until recently even though she wrote the preeminent text on it back in the 80s.

Anyway, she says meditation isn’t necessary for mindfulness. Her research confirm this.

So, I’ve been carving out a few minutes every day while traveling to and from work on the train where I turn off Sirius or replays of my own podcast (yes, I sadly listen to my own stuff) or the best of The Lemonheads (which I must admit I stole online to check it out – didn’t like it, so I deleted the album. Is that wrong?).

I literally just sit and not think and see what happens internally.

The first few days, nothing came up. After a few minutes I got bored and went to my scorpion solitaire game, which is the most awesome solitaire game this side of mahjong.

Then on day three of my mindfulness practice sadness FLOODED me. I always stand up on the train, always, but I nearly needed to sit down.

And I couldn’t figure out what was happening.

I got curious about it and tried to source the pain, but it didn’t connect with any life events. I have a good job, wonderful relationship, fun parents, I pay my bills, and get to take my dog to work. Nothing particularly stressful or difficult is going on in my life.

Then it hit me – I’ve been avoiding sadness my whole life. Now it’s racing toward me like a tidal.

“Yes, I think you have a lot of sadness on the way,” agreed my therapist. Then she shrugged.

She’s right. And that’s the message I have received from paying attention. I’m so out of it I don’t even know what the sadness is all about. I just know I have a fartload of it.

This is surprisingly healthy and I intrinsically know it. That’s why the pain doesn’t concern me. It’s difficult to stay in sadness when it happens, that’s for sure. I want to escape in any way possible and with a smartphone I can get myself out with one tap. I’m trying to force myself to remain present for the pain until it processes. Which is the best course of action.

And it does pass. I’m usually only bummed out for maybe an hour at a time.

It’s tough for people to understand. If you say you’re sad they’ll ask you, “What about?” When you answer, “I have no idea,” they flash back to that Zoloft commercial with the cartoon egg. They think you’re in big trouble.

Ironically, not knowing what I’m sad about actually makes it easier to deal with. Because I don’t have to analyze it or judge it. It just is. So, if I can muster up the courage and patience to dive into the pain, my body will figure out what to do with it and I’ll be fine.

Now, if I ever can’t get out of bed or something, then I’ll start experimenting with mind-blowing psychoactives purchased on seedy overseas online pharmacies. I’m not above that.

When I told my friend Suzanne that I was feeling sad, first she sent this photo to me.

When I told my friend Suzanne that I was feeling sad, first she sent this photo to me.

...then she sent this immediately after. Good one, skank.

…then this immediately after. Good one, skank.

15 comments

BlogHer 2014 Contest – Win a Free Full Conference Ticket Plus Pathfinder Day!

May 20, 2014

Would you like to go to BlogHer in San Jose this summer spending three days and nights partying your ass off? Oh, also you’ll learn how to write better, become more effective at social media, and connect with some truly amazing bloggers that will develop into deep friendships! Well, normally I’d say, “Screw you all, […]

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I’m Going to Have To Give Up The Cat

March 17, 2014

I recently came to terms that I’m going to have to give up my cat Pantaloons. My girlfriend is allergic. She’s a good sport when she visits and takes a Benadryl which clears up her symptoms. But how long am I going to make her pop meds to be comfortable? We’re only six months into […]

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Back from a Real Vacation and a Three Week Writing Vacation

February 26, 2014

It’s been three weeks since I wrote anything. Well, this is not entirely true. I did post a story last week about how it was discovered that my girlfriend’s ex-boyfriend is now seriously dating a woman I used to see ten years prior. You may have to read that twice. There isn’t an easier way […]

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100k Twitter Followers and Caffeine Addiction

January 28, 2014

I crossed over 100k Twitter followers today. Yes, it’s a not-so-subtle brag. But, screw it.  I’m taking a victory lap. The victory lap equates to a night of eating pizza until passout. Before the carbs and fat sink my consciousness I’m going to attempt to eek out this post. I’m not proud here, but I’m […]

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I Have a Big Brag to Announce About My Greatness

January 27, 2014

I’ve been busy over the past two days. First I released a new version of my Apple and Android app which include push notifications. Yes, you now get a popup whenever I write something new. Does my narcissism know no bounds? Also I launched a Twitter web app which pokes around through your followers to […]

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ThoughtsFromParis Apple and Android App Updated!

January 26, 2014

There is a new version of the ThoughtsFromParis mobile app now available for Apple and Android users. The biggest update is that you can now receive push notifications when a new post goes live. To download for Apple iOS click here To download for Android click here Note – if you already had an older […]

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Introducing FamousFollowers.me

January 25, 2014

Celebrities. They’re just better than the rest of us. Okay, well, maybe that’s not true. But most of us are starstruck, at least a little. I think we all  have someone who, if we met them in person, would render us speechless. If we’re on Twitter the pinnacle of stardom is to become “verified.” That […]

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Manifest My Desires, Universe! Chop Chop!

January 22, 2014

I’m trying my hand at this manifesting thing. I’ve been into New Agey crap for twenty years. Most of it is BS but I’ve always found spiritual practices entertaining. Back when I was nineteen I was introduced to the idea of chakras. Whether they’re real or not (probably not) I can still feel all seven […]

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