This may cost me some followers.
There are a lot of posts out there with these types of titles. Usually lists of stupid things people do on Twitter which cause the author to roll their eyeballs and not respond. You’ve seen these kind of posts before. There’s talk of Twitter etiquette and being courteous and not doing anything troll-like because we all know that blog authors are really important entities and are not to be fucked with.
This isn’t one of those kind of articles.
Because of the nature of my Twitter account, I submit a lot of jokes and one-liners. Probably three to five a day. I’m a decent joke writer so most of them hit and I receive a healthy amount of retweets and favorites. Some fall flat like this one that I just fired out while sitting on the toilet. I found it hilarious. Nobody else did.
Usually I get around ten to twenty responses per tweet. These are often attempts to best my own joke. Many times they do. I almost never respond, though.
Am I a colossal dick whose ego is so fragile he can’t accept someone being funnier than himself?
The truth is that I LOVE when a reader outwits me. It’s a highlight of my day. In a mildly-sick way I sort of use it to congratulate myself. I actually think, “I prompted that person to make a funny! I DID THAT.” It’s sort of messed up that I take credit for the genesis of someone else’s genius. I’ll bring it up with a shrink.
Aside from self-congratulation I dig your jokes because I, well, love to laugh. A good one-liner is not easy to craft. I am constantly amazed how many of you are truly funny people. Seriously, it’s inspiring. I can’t tell you how many times someone has written something that kicked me in the ass to produce better quality content. Not that everything I write is funny. But when you let me know that I’m not the most hilarious guy on the block, that drives me to write better stuff.
So, why don’t I reply to your tweets?
Whether this is a good idea or not, I have decided that most of the time I shouldn’t. Let me explain.
A few years ago I had a massive crush (still do) on Adam Carolla newsgirl Alison Rosen. She was relatively new to Twitter and I sent her a few tweets. The first two she didn’t respond to, but then the third one she did. It was a highlight of my online life. I figured we were tight and that this would blossom into a beautiful friendship. It didn’t. In a weird way I was really bummed out. I think I tweeted her a few more times and never heard back.
I’m sure it wasn’t personal. She has 58k Twitter followers. But I did take it personal. Yes, I’m nuts.
I’m coming up on 80k followers and there is one sad downside to having this number. Yes, it’s cool to get all sorts of great responses. As I mentioned earlier, I literally read them all (no foolin’), and more often than not, I laugh like a bastard.
But if I respond to one person somebody writes me a personal message (or in public) with “you never respond to my stuff!” Good point. That would piss me off, too. I’m sure I’ve lost a lot of followers over the years who have written me dozens of jokes and I never wrote back. I know I’ve upset people because they tell me and then I never hear from them again. They’re gone. Can’t blame ’em.
So, I don’t want some people to feel like I only reply to others but not them. The only fair thing I know how to do is to just not respond to anyone. I mean, once in awhile I do. But rarely.
The other piece is I don’t want to clog up my tweet stream with replies. You read my tweets because you dig my humor or whatever. You don’t want to read me saying, “Good one!” fifty times a day.
So, it’s an unfair and shitty policy. In order to protect my precious tweet stream and not to piss everyone off, I don’t respond. In doing so I piss people off who think I’m so high and mighty I don’t reply to their tweets. It sucks and I can own that. I’m sorry.
But here’s what I can and will do – respond to most (if not all) blog comments. Sometimes I fall behind (currently I’m a few hundred comments behind – ugh), but I’m grateful people read these posts, watch my videos, and listen to my podcasts. I owe it to let you know I appreciate your comments. Less than 1% of you comment, so at this point in the blog it’s something I can still do.
I look at Twitter as a never-ending commercial where I broadcast one-liner humor. Here is where I can engage and thank you in person. If you have great Twitter jokes, I hope you keep replying and sending them over. I love it so much. But it’s a selfish love.
Here I will reply to you. Maybe not the same day – but I will. I promise.
Jessica says:
yup. Knew it. You find me utterly hysterical. You just cant tell the other twitter people cause they’d be so freaking jealous. No worries. I completely understand
D.J. Paris says:
You are not wrong. Thanks for understanding. Now, I’ll go back to ignoring you. 🙂
Birgit Platschka says:
Well D.J,
at least you are honest and as they say, honesty is the best policy.
One other item you could put on your list:
How and when do you know not to respond to a response ? It can get rather tricky and have reminiscence of ” you say bye first ” … ” no you say it first ”
Thanks
Birgit
D.J. Paris says:
Yes, honesty is good. Unless it’s about my darkest fears. Then I run and hide like you wouldn’t believe.
On Twitter I basically don’t respond. Here, unless someone is a real jackass, I reply. Sometimes though I have to stop responding after the third or fourth reply in the same thread. I do have some semblance of a life!
Frankie Lawson says:
Thanks for the clarification even though I don’t reply to your tweets, I just Favorite or retweet them.
Thank you so much for starting the tribe. I’m having fun reading and sharing all of these blogs I’ve found there.
D.J. Paris says:
Thank you for favoriting and retweeting! The tribe is going great and everyone seems to be digging it – glad to have you on board!
Lynnette Conroy says:
“I look at Twitter as a never-ending commercial ” may be the most apt description of Twitter to date. Apt.
D.J. Paris says:
Love the adjective “apt” – or is it a noun? Never figured that out. Either way it kicks ass and nobody ever says it. Well done!
Lovelyn says:
Responding to everything on Twitter gets overwhelming for me and I only have 300 followers. Okay it’s less than that if you want to get technical. I can only imagine how difficult it would be to respond to the piles of people following you. Not responding seems like the best way to keep you sane or is it too late for that … or am I overstepping … okay, I’m the insane one here obviously. The punctuation in this post is proof.
D.J. Paris says:
Ha! I never did learn my comma rules. ‘Tis okay though as a prominent college English professor told me my grammar was “decent.” Plus he said nobody really cares about structural mechanic punctuation anyhow. Ha!
Lovelyn says:
I didn’t mean your punctuation. I meant the punctuation in my comment … I’m way too addicted to ellipses. Your use of punctuation is all good.
Sue says:
I double-checked and yep I am already following you on Twitter. I am planning to use you now by retweeting your funnies and thereby making others think I am funny too. Have a nice weekend Chief.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks for following me and also for calling me Chief. You are right to do both things.
Stephanie @ Mommy, for Real. says:
I personally find that honesty refreshing. Thanks for putting it out there… I prefer that to gratuitous smoke-blowing and time-wasting.
D.J. Paris says:
Oh, I do that too. I just lie about it. 🙂
@AlwaysARedhead says:
Actually, you have never responded to the comments I have left on your blog. C’est la vie. Quite alright, I have a husband, a damn good husband who does respond to me (no offence).
D.J. Paris says:
Here’s the first! And I’m glad your husband pays attention to you. I am now competing with your man for your heart. I will win!
Rochelle says:
Is it just me that feels pressure to make this comment funny? I used to think I was funny and then I started reading people’s tweets and realized, no, no I am not funny. I think I’ll do what Sue is going to do and RT so that other’s start to think I am. Or at least have funny friends.
D.J. Paris says:
It’s not a bad idea – we all want people to think we’re awesome. Call it insecurity or whatever, but I need your approval. So, start approving!
Helene Cohen Bludman says:
I think I follow you. But if I don’t, I will now, because I liked your joke about QR codes.
D.J. Paris says:
I’m pretty damned proud of that one even though it didn’t clear the fences. Made me laugh. 🙂
Kate Hall says:
Do you ever star the responses you get? Then people would know that you saw them. Just a thought. I’m on the side of liking when someone only responds on occasion rather than never. Then it’s like a challenge to get them to respond to me. But I get what you’re saying…especially since I don’t have nearly as many followers as you. It has to be hard to keep up.
D.J. Paris says:
You know, I probably should star them. Well, here’s the thing. Many of the 80k are probably not even on Twitter anymore so I have to keep building my count or else it really shrinks every day. You can use JustUnfollow to clear out inactive accounts which I probably should do every once in awhile. Will make the whole thing more manageable. 🙂
Andie says:
Thanks for clarifying. Many of your tweet jokes are great, but this blog is where you really shine. Some of your posts are hilarious. I found out about you because you started following me on Twitter. I have no idea how you found me. You are one of only six followers that I currently have, and I REALLY appreciate it. I am hoping to make that number grow.
Also, thanks for allowing me into your tribe. I’m still trying to get the feed thing figured out since I have a couple of new postings that aren’t on the activity feed. I’m about to watch your tutorial again, and thanks for making that video, Chief.
D.J. Paris says:
Wow – thanks, Andie! I really appreciate the kind words. Keep it up and keep sharing content in the Tribe!
Sarah @ First Night Design says:
A relief to read. I’m so sick of thanking them for thanking me for thanking them ad infinitum!
D.J. Paris says:
Ha! I love that. Exactly.
Gina Valley (@GinaValley) says:
People who take a lack of response from someone with as many followers as you on Twitter personally have too little going on in their real life. I have only a fraction of the followers you do & can hardly keep up.
You don’t need to explain your lack of response on Twitter. The people who are realistic about Twitter already understand, and don’t need an explanation. The people who are unrealistic about Twitter and take lack of response personally will be unconvinced by any explanation.
Being realistic and kind works in both virtual and real worlds with most people. But, some people will not be happy no matter what you do, nor which world you do it in.
D.J. Paris says:
Hi Gina,
Thanks for being such a great supporter of mine for a LONG time. Keep reading and keep writing. Love your stuff!
Heather Renae' says:
I don’t ever expect a response. I follow only 39 people and have like 6 followers, which are moslty friends. I don’t live a crazy exciting life, nor am I witty enough to spout comedic jabs at random. So i am probably not using twitter for its purpose anyway, I don’t even understand the whole hashtag thing. That being said, I do enjoy your posts and I think I may have commented on one or two. So enjoy any moments of hilarity I might accidently send your way!
D.J. Paris says:
Ha – I almost never use hashtags. Most of the time it’s just an easy way to insert a punchline and I’d rather try to do it inside the joke. Thanks for reading and keep tweeting!
Kenya G. Johnson says:
Not a bad policy at all. If I didn’t respond to tweets my activity would be null. Hello my name is @sporadictweets and I tweet sporadically. My attempts at funny fall flat so flat I want to delete them. I leave them there and think one day someone will be on the toilet for a long time, they’ll discover it after they’ve already started with the toilet paper and they won’t remember to respond.
D.J. Paris says:
Ha! The first step is to admit powerlessness. I’m sure most of mine are read on the toilet as well. I’m happy with that.
Elizabeth Towns says:
I rarely respond to twitter posts, either. unless they are a direct question that warrants my response. Some are just re-tweets, and others are requests for material, which I fulfill. Then there are the ones that say “Did you see what they are saying about you? Click here†which I never respond to or check the link.
It’s understandable for me, I have quite a few followers less than you!
D.J. Paris says:
Wait – people are saying things about me on direct message? I MUST GO FIND THEM AND DESTROY. 🙂
Lisa Marshall says:
I thought your QR joke was funny. And I dont even know what QR means.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks – here’s a QR code to explain the joke. You’ve seen a million of ’em.
http://bit.ly/tfp_qr
By the way, that’s a link to my FB fan page – like it, yo!
Katjaneway says:
I’m glad you explained… I was beginning to get offended! No, not really, as I rarely reply and I’m not using twitter much right now (I know – I’m missing out on all that A+ material!!) but I totally see your point. To bring up Alton Brown again, (I haven’t in a while… wow) he gets the same shit. “You never talk to me!” QQ more. And he was answering the same question a million times over, which was probably one reason why he started responding with pictures of post-its. As an actual tweet, others could read their question and his response – and get a drawing as a bonus. And now, people get a sense of “OMG he replied to me. ME!!” It clogs up the timeline, but he’s funny as hell so it’s okay lol Btw, you could always validate a hilarious response by retweeting it. I loooove reading @wilw responses to his tweets and when he retweets a few of them I end up rofl. I love it. Share the love, man, don’t just keep it to yourself!!
D.J. Paris says:
Alton Brown taught me that you never need gravy on a turkey if you brine it correctly. I am now in charge of my family’s Thanksgiving bird.
You had a lot of good ideas there. I’m going to start thinking about it!
Thanks Amy!
TanaBevan says:
IMHO, the reason to comment on a blog is you feel you have something to add, it resonated with you, or just because you’re in the mood. You comment because YOU want to. The owner of the blog DOES have a life outside the bloggersphere. (Hard to imagine, I know.) If he/she replies, woo-hoo! That’s a definite extra. A feel-good, warm fuzzie. A finding a golden ring in the Cracker Jacks box. The bottom line is, if you keep a running score card, you’re bound to be disappointed.
D.J. Paris says:
Wait – I have a life outside of the blogosphere? Time to call my shrink!
Nicholas Nieblas says:
Well, damn. And I thought for just a moment that your auto-response via Twitter follow made us best friends. I have never been so wrong. Forgive me… I think I have something in my eye. It’s betrayal. Betrayal is in my eye.
D.J. Paris says:
I have betrayed you. But here I am responding to your comment months later! Does this make me a hero? Yes. Yes it does.
Nicholas Nieblas says:
Well, damn. And I thought for just a moment that your auto-response via Twitter follow made us best friends. Forgive me… I think I have something in my eye. It’s betrayal. Betrayal is in my eye.
kevin stilley says:
Good one!
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks Kevin! Keep reading!
Qui says:
Shh… you had me at “colossal dick”.
D.J. Paris says:
I really am! It’s a fun life.
Lesa says:
You col’dnut pay me to ignore these posts!