I haven’t figured out why, but sometimes I wake up farting.
You’d think that after 35 years I would have reverse engineered this algorithm, but I truly haven’t.
Now, I know this topic seems incredibly immature and sophomoric, but let me explain myself.
I estimate that 95% of the time when I wake up, I do not start the day destroying my bedroom. But this morning I did.
So, let’s go back to yesterday and see if we can solve this mystery. I ate a protein bar in the morning, and then sadly nothing until about 9pm. That is incredibly unhealthy, but I was slammed and didn’t schedule eating. So maybe that threw off my intestines. When I finally got around to dinner I ate brown rice, turkey, and a handful of Good & Plenty candy.
I understand that the majority of adults with tastebuds think that black licorice is awful, and adding a candy coating does not improve upon said awfulness. But they were priced at four for three dollars at CVS, and a good deal can always turn this girl’s head.
Oh, I also had a Buckler which is one of the super-classy NA beers.
A few years ago I started a Facebook group entitled O’Doul’s Amber – For When Regular O’Doul’s Just Doesn’t Cut It. I thought this to be hilarious and would attract a ton on non-alcohol connoisseurs like myself. Currently we have twenty seven members. Not exactly the bustling community of sober beer drinkers I was trying to forge.
In the interest of full disclosure, not that you asked or are interested, but last night I also evacuated my bowels before bed. I call any time this happens in the evening a P.M.B.M. (post meridiem bowel movement). I share this because some people mistakenly think gas is a precursor to going number two. Well, you’re wrong, stupid!
Then I drank a glass of water and went to bed. Decent dreams.
So, what went wrong? The only culprit I can surmise is the licorice or the Buckler. But I’m really not sure.
Here’s why I care. One of my biggest fears is that I start a relationship with some nice woman, take her to bed, and she wakes up to death. You’d have to dump a guy for that.
I have no problem if she leaves because she thinks I’m ugly or that my personality is akin to undiagnosed borderline-narcissism, but not because I can’t control my sphincter.
You may think I’m exaggerating, but I am not. I have seen not one, but TWO gastroenterologists over the years. Both just sort of shrugged and said, “Stay away from dairy.”
Oh well, I’ll just build a little failure into the model. The next two women in my life will leave me because of my angry b–hole.
It’s my burden.
Gutmeister says:
If she won’t suck down your ass-vapor, she’s not a keeper. All my girlfriends got the butt blast early on to see if they were worth a second date at Red Lobster.
Jon says:
I vote for the Buckler’s (although the licorice probably didn’t help). For me, carbonated drinks, especially beer, are always likely suspects. Gassy in, gassy out. Seems to me to follow the laws of physics. Is it just me?
Fred Miller says:
I am totally serious here. I think it’s letting your gut get empty. It gets grouchy. Over-eating does the same thing. But if you go hungry too long, you will get gas. Even the Hershey squirts. Happens on “Survivor” all the time when they go hungry.