It’s amazing how quickly I lost the willingness to write.
In 2012 I challenged myself to write every day for a year. The first month was trying but after that I became proficient. My mind started searching during the day for topics to write later. I’d be riding the subway and an idea would hit and I start typing furiously on my phone. Now I just listen to Howard Stern. At home I write a few Twitter jokes and then to bed.
I’ve noticed over the past few years doing less and less of the things I used to enjoy. I rode my bike to work for years and then abruptly stopped last summer. Getting to the gym is a rare occurrence. I’m not sleeping as much as I should, and I’m wasting more time on television – something I never did before.
Despite playing guitar regularly for over twenty-five years I haven’t been picking it up but once a month.
My girlfriend said not that long ago that, “You have so many opinions and judgements about things. And they’re almost all negative.” She’s not wrong. And to know her, you’d understand she’s not belittling or criticize. I have become cynical, pessimistic, and downright grumpy.
I’m a very nice person and fun to be around, but behind the scenes I just don’t look forward to much. Each weekend social activity is met with a “I don’t wanna do that!” mind-voice an hour before I’m to leave. I always go, of course, but I don’t want to. Many times these are things I used to enjoy with friends.
Not everything has gone to pot. Career-wise things are great, my relationship is strong, and I’m still taking care of my life in most respects. I wouldn’t say I feel happy in general, however.
But there’s one thing guaranteed to make me feel good – writing. So why did I stop?
I don’t suspect it matters, the reason. Knowing why things are screwed up doesn’t usually change things for me. After five years of therapy I have cognitive understanding of my issues. But what am I actually doing to fix stuff? Not much.
Nothing brings me more joy than to read back the next day what I had written the night before. I’m not Joyce, Faulkner, or even Bombeck. Often times my posts aren’t funny, and this is a humor blog.
But I’m proud of the work for one reason. It’s me sitting down and doing something hard. And nothing creates more pride and well-being than that.
If all I ever did the rest of my life was focus on difficult activities that brought me high levels of pleasure then I’ll have lived fulfilled.
I don’t need internet fame, or blog awards, or even comments underneath these posts. I get enough validation on Twitter if I’m craving attention. It’s fun when people dig something I write on the blog, but I have no control over the impact or who’s affected.
All I care about is finding the courage to do what’s tough. Hard stuff is hard, but it’s also the most fulfilling.
I made a commitment to write tonight. I knew I wouldn’t have anything planned or prepared. I knew I would be sitting at a blank screen. I knew it would be scary. It is.
I’m going to stumble a bit creatively until it clicks. That’s the process. I wish I could just start back up at the top of my game, but I’m not at the top of my game. I’m weak. Will have to lift the little weights for now.
I’m going to read this back tomorrow morning as I board the red-line train heading south. I’ll cringe at parts. I’ll like other parts. I’ll get the end and probably read it again.
And then a feeling of warmth will lightly tug at the corners of my mouth. I will smile.
Michelle says:
Good to hear from you again! Although you are funny, some of my favorite of your posts aren’t your funniest. I hope you do pick up your tools again and get back to doing the work. I will enjoy reading about it!
Michelle says:
And yes, you should have written about that insanity. What is keeping her together???
crystal touchton says:
Duct tape 😛
crystal touchton says:
I’ve been working on other parts of my business for a good while now, and writing for the most part fell by the wayside. I am hosting a challenge on my blog starting in Sept. and the thought of daily blogging is pretty scary. This was a reminder for me and it is exactly what I needed to hear this week. Thanks for getting back into it. Even if you don’t think you’re at the top of your game, there will always be people who need to hear what you say.
Kate Hall says:
I know there is a lot of stuff you could be writing about – your fans miss you, dude. And I can’t believe you stopped riding your bike to work. I just made all these assumptions about your life because I had’t heard anything from you – like, you were still riding. Would love to see you writing more. I still want to hear about your trip to Costa Rica – with pictures! (wait, it was CR, right?) The whole tv watching thing – I’ve been doing that too. I never watched tv before and now I’m addicted to Netflix. I watch at least two hours every night, sometimes five hours. WTH? I think part of me feels like, who really cares what I write or if I write? Who cares about this stuff? Then I just sit in front of Netflix instead of coming up with anything to write. It’s hard…the whole psychological part of it.
Karma Girl says:
I have the same problem with pretty much everything in my life. Someone told me that kind of lack of motivation is a sign of depression. My response to that was, “No duh, Sherlock.” I’ve had to make it my goal to post at least 2 posts every month, and so far I’ve stuck to that. Not every post is going to be a gem, but at least the work gets done. I know this is little comfort to you, but it’s nice to know I’m not the only one dealing with this sort of thing, so thanks….and Jesus Christ on a pogo stick! How could you pass up on Ren fair hilarity? I will be expecting tales of annoying jesters and wench boobs in your next post, my good sir.
Monica says:
Feel ya. What’s the someecard? I grudgingly show up for plans I made in the first place?
Steve scanlan says:
I think all the negative comments you received about pantaloons affected your psyche. You are my favorite writer.
Lance says:
I did it. I walked out of BlogHer last month full of piss and vinegar about blogging, writing, podcasting, and co-running Lefty Pop like a beast. Then my oldest daughter left for college and there was money and stress associated. Now, I’m barely hanging on and posting pictures of my kids and pets like a bitch.
Good news, the notebooks are full, I’m angry and motivated, and I’m getting out of this funk. I’m so glad you are too. I listen to every podcast and follow you religiously.
mothers little hleper says:
have missed your posts….
Ray says:
As a new reader to your blog, I am looking forward to your returning to a more regular post so that I can read more of it. I to wrote nearly daily a year and then some more, but have not managed to get back into that habit quite yet. Though your plan is inspiring my own as I have returned to a lot more regular posting of late. PS – Ren stuff happenings almost always makes for a good blog post read… 🙂
Sarah (est. 1975) says:
I know we don’t know each other well and I probably have no place to say this but… could it be what people call a “mid-life crisis” but is actually more of a “mid-life depression/reassessment of life”? My husband is going through one of these as is my best friend’s husband. There are no sports cars or trophy girlfriends going on, but there’s still… SOMETHING. My husband loves sports, but he can’t play as much because he always gets injured. He used to work all night long and be able to flit off to work again in the morning like it wasn’t even a thing, but now he feels like a mutated zombie if he tries that shit. There’s also the “I’m 40, where am I going with the next 20 years of my life?” thing. It’s easy to kind of … veg out and be unmotivated rather than sit and think about all that.
Excuse me if I’ve overstepped. Your rhetoric just sounded very familiar to what I’ve been seeing/hearing from my husband.
Linda Roy says:
I’ve wondered where our DJ has been. I just assumed you and Beth were so busy traveling and having a great time that you didn’t have time to write. I’m so glad your relationship and career are doing well, but I’m sorry you’re in a funk. I know that feeling too. And I echo what Kate said upthread – sometimes you feel like “what am I working my ass off for?”. Even when you enjoy it and are getting something positive out of it, it can be emotionally/mentally draining. But these things are cyclical and it will pass. Hug your sweet little pup & kitty – that is so therapeutic. Yesterday I was in one of those funks where you just can’t do anything. You know what I did? I watched a bunch of stand up and started binge watching Louis CK. Just laugh. For me it was Joan (fuck everybody, they suck) Rivers and Louis (what the fuck is wrong with everybody) C.K. I am totally onboard with that. Slept like a baby. Try it. Netflix is a life saver. If you’re gonna watch a lot of TV, laugh your ass off while doing it. Hang in there my friend. xo
Caroline says:
You know what I did? I stopped watching television completely. It had a decluttering effect and suddenly life seemed more fruitful. x
Tammy says:
You’re not alone in your struggles. Thank you for letting other know they’re not alone either 🙂
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Carol Anne Shaw says:
I love this post. It really resonates with me. Inspiring and honest. “Hard stuff is hard.”
Fred Acker says:
Anyone who eats live octopus, sleeps badly and gets flipped off on a Chicago subway (yes, I agree that any local passenger train should be a subway, not an el) while laughing in someones face, can’t be all bad. Keep writing!
Chris Bird says:
Yeah, I hear you. I just got a notification that my hosting was due, and I wondered if I should renew it. I will, of course, but I quit Twitter and Facebook, along with writing, for several months, and I’m just getting back into it on a part time basis. I have written personal letters to people, and sadly thought about making them open and posting them on the blog to see if anyone would read them.
In the end I figured that if I was going to be too lazy to write one of the hundreds of posts that go through my head throughout the day, then I could just do without posting.
I think I might just go write one now. This has inspired me, even if it’s just to want to do something.
Thanks.
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Ronnie Peace says:
I know this isn’t what I should be focusing on, but…. does that woman have nipples, or did she have them removed?!?
Make sure you pick them tools back up again, there’s not many truly humo(u)rous bloggers or blog type thingys around – just maybe don’t grab your tool while looking at that photo. It may make it harder.
To write.
Alice says:
Get out of my head. This post is totally ME. It’s like Twilight Zone level woo woo weirdness, or some shite like that. I’m so glad you reposted it. It might turn out to be just the motivation I needed to keep up my personal blog writing, which I recently just got back to myself. Thanks! 🙂