The Worst Thing About Christmas

People who write comedy often spin the negative of a tradionally positive event to make easy jokes.

For example if I had titled this post “The Best Thing About Christmas,” it might be sweet but it certainly wouldn’t be funny.

It’s hard to find humor in harmony and beauty.   Let’s try one now.

The worst thing about a gorgeous sunset in Maui is…  Hmm…   I got nothing.

Wait, well I guess it’s sort of funny that a color-blind sees a sunset with as much vibrancy as your grandfather watching a Perry Mason rerun.

See, not very funny.

So, I’m not going to put a list together of what sucks about the holidays.  It’s too easy, too over-done, and let’s face it, the holidays are awesome.   Well, at least Christmas is.   Not sure about Kwanzaa.   In fact, I’m not even 100% sure Kwanzaa’s  a real thing.

Hallmark has an entire section of Kwanzaa cards, but I’ve yet to know anyone who celebrates it.   But maybe that’s because I only hang with whitey.   Actually, that’s exactly why I don’t know about Kwanzaa.   I also don’t totally understand what Arbor Day’s all about, either.     Trees, I guess.

But I’m absolutely clear about what sucks the most about Christmas.

Butter Rum Life Savers.

I just left the grocery after being reminded that these exist.   I was looking for bags of Wint-O-Green and Pep-O-Mint which I always have on supply at the condo.   As a result, I’m pretty familiar with the Life Savers candy line.  I had no idea, since I had never seen it before, that you could purchase a bag of Butter Rum.

So, who buys these?   Nobody.   Well, obviously some people do.   Probably the same psychos who enjoy Buttered Popcorn Jelly Bellies and Banana Runts.

But, despite that 97% of the population (note: no actual poll or statistics to validate data set) hates Butter Rum Life Savers, you still have to deal with them every December 25th.   Mothers love to stuff stockings with Life Savers Multipacks.  At least mine does.

And let’s face it, candy at 10:30am is pretty damned awesome.

These multipacks generally come in a fold-open book format with eight total rolls.

Here’s how I eat them in order.

1. First, the regular Five-Flavor.  The flagship roll.  Predictable and awesome.  Some people have a favorite (mine is green), but they all hit an 8 of 10.  This roll promptly gets devoured in seven minutes.  Plus, two stick together, and instead of prying them apart, I eat them at the same time.  See how the combo works with my discerning palette. (Note: it always works great!)
2. Next, I hit the Tropicals – these also don’t seem to available except during the holidays.  The problem is I forget what my past opinion of them is, and I start chewing.  Real Life Savers enthusiasts don’t suck, they chew.  Now, this roll is 75% decent, but you run into trouble twice.  That terrible coconut ones.  It ruins the whole roll.  And there’s two of them!  I still eat them, though.  I mean, hey, free candy.
3. Then, off to the Red Cherry.  Not much to say about this.  Decent, but a mild improvement over the regular cherry.  Not sure they need a whole roll of these.  I get bored halfway in.
4. Ugh – Butter Rum.  Now, I  want  to like Butter Rum.  I have two rolls of these in the multipack.  And, I like Butterscotch.  I don’t go out of my way to party with butterscotch, but it’s okay.  But one you bite into a Butter Rum, you instantly hate it.  And yourself.  It’s somehow refreshing and yet disturbing at the same time.  Plus, it has a horrible aftertaste.

So, why not just avoid the Butter Rum altogether?  Simple – I get desperate.  I run out of the good rolls by noon.  That’s six rolls down faster than my pancreas appreciates.  By two o’clock in our candy drawer at the Paris household there are at least six Butter Rum rolls.  Nobody wants them.  But we have no other candy in the drawer.

I go for it.  I need to keep the sugar high rolling.  I  have to.  It’s Christmas.