I was riding to work today as I always do at 8am.
Today was unusual in that I decided for a change in my normal music routine. Usually I’ll blast some Metallica or something exciting, loud, and fast. It gets me going and most of the time I’m fighting a nasty head-wind.
For some reason Cat Stevens popped into my head this am. I cued up his best-of and let it rip.
I always forget that Cat Stevens is like 30mg of Valium snorted on an empty stomach. He’s so mellow that even when he’s screaming it sounds soft and timid.
For some reason I went to Father and Son which is one of the saddest tunes ever written. It’s a son basically telling his dad to sit on it (like the Fonz!) and that he’s going off to score some strange and find himself. But the dad completely understands. And you feel empathy for both. It’s a huge, beautiful bummer.
Being that I have a ten mile ride in that’s tough, listening to Peace Train and If You Want To Sing Out, Sing Out doesn’t exactly get the adrenaline pumping. In fact I believe the songs may have instructed my body to produce estrogen because I was immediately craving bon-bons.
I went into a deep alpha-like trance and the world dissolved into itself. It’s like when you realize you’ve been driving and texting for ten minutes but you can’t remember the last time you looked at the road. Oh yeah, don’t text and drive. Bark texts at your wife in the passenger seat who will be more than happy to send your messages out.
I must have been close to the bike lane divider line because some asshole in the full loser bike gear yelled at me as he’s passing me.
“Move to the LEFT!!!! Jesus!!!”
Look, skinny weirdo bike dick – there’s six feet on either side of me and nobody around. If you’re going to pass me just shut up and do it. By the way, your skin tight spandex shirt is not exactly a lady panty-melter. This is part of the reason you haven’t been laid this millennium.
That entire line shot through my head milliseconds after he yelled at me. But here’s what came out instead.
Ha!
The best way to evisercate and destroy someone’s well being is to laugh at them. To them. When it’s just you and them alone. Nothing is more dehumanizing.
Now the trick to successfully killing someone’s spirit by laughing is very simple – in that moment, you must hate them so much that yelling would be a waste of your time. That they’re not even worth arguing with. They’re that insignificant.
Is this cruel? Oh yeah. But, if you don’t want to laugh at them, you have another option. Fight back – which definitely works since bullies stand down if you can find your balls and hold your ground. I didn’t have a stick to throw in this guy’s wheel spokes and we were traveling at 20 mph. So I laughed at him. It was awesome.
Try this next time you’re dealing with a bully/predator. Simply look them dead in the eye. Well, look through them into their soul where fear and anxiety hide. Laughing will cause them to relive some horrible shame trauma from grade school. Like the time they sharted during ceramics class and everyone laughed.
I also recommend getting the hell out of there as you’re laughing. After looking into their eyes and laughing you must walk away. It’s all part of the dehumanization. Plus, you never know if they’re going to throw a haymaker. Some people are jerks like that.
You want to be a jerk, too, but a jerk out of harm’s way.
If you haven’t laughed at somebody in a long time, put it on your to-do list. Try to position yourself in front of a few dickheads this week. You’ll be amazed how good you feel laughing at someone who deserves it.
Oh, and then make sure to forgive yourself. Guilt and remorse have no place in laughing at someone. Steer clear of any bad feelings by telling yourself that they made you do it. Then, move on. Drop an extra nickel in the church plate if you can’t sleep at night.
God’s totally cool with absolution. It’s his deal.
photo credit: Richard Masoner / Cyclelicious via photo pin cc
Katjaneway says:
I can say first hand that it works… partially. You really REALLY have to make your face blank (don’t show that you’ve been hurt) OR be so good at laughing that it sounds completely and utterly genuine (when it’s sooo not). I’ve laughed at bullies that just look at me all surprised like “okay, she thought me making fun of her putting earthquake cracks in the cement when she walks, funny. Maybe I’m a comedian!” and since I’m God-awful at thinking up comebacks, I either laugh or ignore them (which 99% of the time was my choice.) Mostly, instead of making them feel humiliated, it would give them a satisfied look like “maybe she’s not so bad after all”.
D.J. Paris says:
Katjaneway All GREAT points. Will consult you in my part II version, as you are skilled and experienced.
KanjoRacer514 says:
Oh I’ve mastered this technique and it scares the living ? out of him so much he physically backs away. Death Tips?: Channel your inner psychopath. Are you pissed? Use it. Every time they look at you, death glare at them. Laugh at them when they get too close, or get the deepest tone you can and say “MOVE.” Every time, I guarantee you’ll see the devastation behind their eyes, and you’ll watch them scamper off like a puppy with it’s tail under it’s legs.
KanjoRacer514 says:
I meant to say death glare tips not death tips lmaoo
ArieFras says:
I unintentionally laughed in the face of a bully once and was stunned by her reaction. She just turned around and walked out of the room. As I recall, I didn’t find her words funny. I was laughing at the way her nostrils flared as she spoke. Either way, it got her to leave me alone and I have used it ever since.
D.J. Paris says:
ArieFras I applaud this. Keep shaming people with laughter!
4ACE_Crew says:
You just made me laugh…but not in a cruel way. actually, in a way that makes me want to keep reading your blog.
4ACE_Crew says:
You just made me laugh…but not in a cruel way. Actually, in a way that makes me want to continue reading your blog.
D.J. Paris says:
4ACE_Crew I’ll take it!
inthemomlight says:
Ha!
MarieLoerzel says:
I agree Father and Son is the freakin’ saddest song ever! And Moroccans LOVE Cat Stevens. So when I grocery shopped there the store would frequently play Father and Son and I would sob my way through the chick peas. Oh, and the olives too. I was shocked to learn even in Muslim countries they don’t know his new stuff he sings as Yusuf Islam.
D.J. Paris says:
MarieLoerzel I just loved when he said it was cool if they put Salman Rushdie to death. Smart thing to say to your hippie fans.
MarieLoerzel says:
tfpHumorBlog MarieLoerzel Among many smart things….
ModMomBeyondIndieDom says:
The Spandex people ride past my house constantly, so tomorrow I can practice my “Dick Laugh”!
D.J. Paris says:
ModMomBeyondIndieDom Point at them during the laugh. That will help.
wilyguy says:
I particularly enjoy waving. When some other driver is being a douche and not letting you into traffic or whatever, inevitably they find it necessary to ride your bumper or flash their lights and sometimes even honk. I find a friendly wave is the best way to pour salt in that wound.Great post as always,WG
D.J. Paris says:
wilyguy Yes! Friendly waives are amazing, too. Thank you for reminding me.
jcereola1 says:
I just tried the laughing thing. My wife didn’t appreciate it at all. You used the word jerk as a noun. I’ll be using it as a verb for a while.
D.J. Paris says:
jcereola1 Well played, sir. Well played. I’m applauding right now.
MicheleLeAnn says:
Mr. Stevens reminds me of the few things about life I love. He, and Jim Croce. And I agree with you. Laughter is the finest insult. It says “You’re too low on my list of concerns to even put together an insult, so I’ll just laugh at you.” I use it often, glad to know I’m not the only one. 😀
D.J. Paris says:
MicheleLeAnn Jim Croce was a master at a fuck-you in a smile in his songs. He was an angry dude for being a folk singer. Also rocked a killer mustache.
michael_walker69 says:
Ahhh yes… why yell and scream when a simple smile will do. Nice one Paris!Michael A. WalkerDefying Procrastination
D.J. Paris says:
michael_walker69 Oh, I’m all for yelling and screaming. That works great, too. Either one. Ha.
workingdan says:
There is this technique I learned from my wife, perhaps you heard of it. It’s called the silent treatment. Some jerks can detect the laugh as a sign that they got under your skin. But if you just simply walk away, showing zero emotion whatsoever, it infuriates them. Knowing you have completely ignored them and their final words have gone unheard sends them into self implosion. Just pretend they aren’t there and go about your business. Their shouting and cursing only increases and they look like the fool!
D.J. Paris says:
workingdan …….(did I infuriate you?)
TRfromRL says:
workingdan I like this one too. Lack of acknowledgment is such a killer move. I do it in conversations sometimes too. Someone is saying stuff to you to try and piss you off, and you just act like you didn’t hear it and start talking about something else. People hate being ignore… “I won’t be ignored, Dan!” ~ Fatal Attraction
ErinSmithDoolittle says:
Ah yes! The mock and run! A classic. Might I also suggest, for those days you just don’t have a good sarcastic “Ha!” available, I find a genuine full eye contact when possible, “THANK YOU! You are SO helpful!” To be a pretty sweet alternative. Especially shouted out the window whilst driving. Satisfaction.
D.J. Paris says:
ErinSmithDoolittle That is also great – although I recommend spitting at them whilst driving. It’s a whole other level of awesome.
Chubby Chatterbox says:
I see your point and I’ll keep this in mind. Usually I’m the one being laughed at. But then I like making people laugh. Great post.
D.J. Paris says:
Chubby Chatterbox Oh no, we totally laugh at you all the time. Mostly when your back is turned. Because you’re a big buffoon! Buffoon!
Lady J says:
Oh boy. This–well it works for females–works well laughing at men in bars who think they are the epitome of cool and try to hit on you with quasi-insulting pickup lines. Soul crushing. Never tried it while biking. Nice tip!
D.J. Paris says:
Lady J Hey, I’m one of those guys. I would totally buy you lemon drop shots until you fell off the barstool. Then, it’s off to my pickup truck. Yes, I know my license is suspended but don’t worry – ’cause we ain’t going to be drivin’./just to be clear, that is NOT my style
Natasha bartlett says:
I just tell them negative ghost rider the rotation is full as all there buddies die laughing
Dei Starr says:
I despise bikers. Around here it’s legal for them to drive on any road a car can go on (save the major highways with speeds of 100 km/h). That includes roads with speeds of 90 km/h, hills, curves, and no bike lanes or room for passing if there’s oncoming traffic. And bikers get killed for being dumb enough to face off against cars that can’t see them in time. Yet they STILL DO IT. So I enjoyed this. The bikers who scare the crap out of me by being just around the bend behind a hill on a narrow road make me want to scream with frustration.
D.J. Paris says:
Dei Starr Let’s play the”Where Is Dei From Game”!!!Hmm… I’m going to say… Briti… Wait, no. Ital… Nah, give me a second… Guam! Dei is from Guam!Am I right?
Dei Starr says:
tfpHumorBlog Dei Starr Hahaha, nope… Canada. 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
Dei Starr Bummer. Guam would have been cooler.
Dei Starr says:
tfpHumorBlog Dei Starr I know. Sorry for not being from someplace cooler. *cries*
YoungmanBrown says:
I’ve written about this before, but my favorite is the the old honk-and-wave trick where you honk and wave to them as if you haven’t seen them in two years. And then you speed away, leaving them wondering who the hell they saw until it drives them mad 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
YoungmanBrown Ooh – that’s solid. Thanks!
Frannie says:
Great post! I remember a great line a client once told me (I’m a psychologist and I now use this line to teach other people how much stronger you look and feel when you do NOT rise to a fight/challenge that is inane). The client was dealing with a workplace bully…. he simply said the man… “you don’t even get my competitive juices flowing.” Simple… perfect….
Karoline says:
I do this all the time…..also effective, when dealing with dickwads: “Listen to you….”, followed by maniacal cackling. A friend who is a psychotherapist told me that one.
Virginia says:
This confirms that love puts humans’ spirits the extraordinary
power makings them willing to come up Heaven or
come down Hell with their real love.
Ned says:
A psychic could regard those subtleties in the same way we typically perceive the road before us, a discussion from a buddy or the preference of a fresh strawberry.
nonyabi'ness says:
there are medications for what you have. of course to properly medicate all the psychopaths in the sewers, we need to mass produce a whole lot more