A few days ago I talked about how depressing it is to catch myself naked in the bathroom mirror. Many of you reported similar feelings of shame.
Here’s another knock to my vanity.
Last night, while visiting my girlfriend in Atlanta, she decided to record me sleeping. Why? Because apparently I snore like a dick.
Meanwhile, every single time someone has told me I snored (see how I not-so-subtly inferred that I’ve bedded a ton of women?), I assumed they were kidding.
Author Note – I was married for the past several years, took a year off after the divorce, and am now dating one woman. I have not bedded many ladies. Also, no men.
This morning the girlfriend told me very kindly that I had been snoring. I laughed it off telling her, “I don’t snore.” She laughed and then whipped out her iPhone.
I was so horrified by this, I just had to share it with you. If you have any attraction for me (and you do) this will vanish within three seconds of pushing play. Enjoy.
Joy says:
Oh my God you are hilarious. Love your blog. Thanks for the laughs!
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks, Joyzzle!
Yana says:
Hysterical. Just hysterical. The snoring, sure, but more so that you referred to sleeping with women as “bedding” them.
D.J. Paris says:
It’s a great phrase that needs to come back. Also, “lovemaking.” How is your and Marie’s, lovemaking, Phil? Our lovemaking is fine, Herb, thanks for asking!
2dayswoman says:
Sounds like my ex-boyfriend – sympathies to your girlfreind, she must be looking tired this morning 😉
D.J. Paris says:
She would be if she wasn’t on 30mg of Valium each night, zonked to the nines. Okay, that’s not true. Yes, she suffers.
MissBatman24 says:
Don’t worry, my father snores so loud, I could hear him from any room in the house and he’s been married for like 40 years. I’ve always been a sleep talker but according to my husband, I’ve started snoring as well. I think it’s those little imperfections that make people more likeable.
D.J. Paris says:
@MissBatman24 Snoring = likability? Remind me not to hang with you.
v says:
That was not nearly as bad as the chest hair with good & plenty.
D.J. Paris says:
For once I agree with you – and nice reference to a story I completely forgot I had written. Some call you blog-stalkers. I call you my fans. 🙂
Stilts says:
Don’t worry. I’ve heard, (aka bedded) much worse in the snoring department. Kudos to your girlfriend!
D.J. Paris says:
Stilts, I hope you’re a dude, because a woman should never earn the nickname Stilts.
jlweinberg says:
I have two words for you: Sleep Apnea. You sound exactly what my husband did, and after 10 years of me kicking him repeatedly throughout the night he finally got a sleep apnea breathing mask. Yes, he looks like a Storm Trooper in bed, but he doesn’t snore, and it’s kinda sexy.
D.J. Paris says:
@jlweinberg I am so tempted to make a joke about you being a Weinberg and the nose thing, but I am better than that. I think I’m better than that. I hope I’m better than that.
HeyMikey says:
This needs to Three Stooges-style snoring sound effects, Auto-Tune and sampling.
HeyMikey says:
This needs Three Stooges-style snoring sound effects, Auto-Tune and sampling.
D.J. Paris says:
@HeyMikey Hop to it!