Tomorrow I’m flying to Atlanta to speak at AimingLow’s blogging conference aptly named NonConference.
This will be my first speaking event where I address bloggers. I’m grateful to have been asked and over the past few months have tried to create a worthwhile presentation/discussion for attendees. My topic is about taking risks with your writing and trusting in your abilities.
When I was at BlogHer I was in a half-day seminar with thirty women. During one exercise we lined up on spectrum where one end represented “confusion” and the other end “clarity.” We were asked where we believe we are with our blog content. I just assumed everyone was confident about their writing and so I made my way over to the “clarity” side. Well, it was just me and two other women. The rest of the group was at the “confusion” side.
I felt like an egotistical dick. Who was I to feel confident about my crap? But I did feel confident – not egotistical, but comfortable. I’m not a good writer. I know this. I need to learn more about writing. But, I am clear about what I want this blog to be, and I feel damned competent. My blog has always been about three things – humor, honesty, and vulnerability. While it started out as humor-only site I quickly realized I was not going to be able to hit joke home runs every day. I needed to expand my offering if I was to create any regular content. Jokes take too long to perfectly craft. Over time I started to add in stuff (non-funny, mostly) about my day.
When I started experimenting with non-funny content, I was in the middle of a divorce. I had many feelings, mostly sadness and anger, that were constant. I wrote about these experiences. Even though I would pepper each post with jokes, it was primarily a confessional of what was going on in my life.
Growing up I thought if I was funny people would think I was cool. And yes, if you’re funny, people like you. Girls will dig you. But I thought if I shared my pain and sadness and anger, you’d see I was a big screw up and run away. Ironically, making a lot of jokes will almost guarantee that people will not feel close to you. I have best friends with whom I never shared anything substantive. It took a lot of years to face pain that I’ve avoided myself. By learning how to courageously tell my loved ones about my struggle, they have felt closer to me and we have connected at a deeper level. The same has happened with my readers. So now when I write I always start with one question.
Do I have the courage today to write about what’s really going on?
Then, a second question.
What is really going on?
I realized the other day that I never have written about fear. I rant constantly about anger, sadness and shame, but never about fear. And the truth is that I’m terrified of many things. Scared that my girlfriend will leave me (like my wife did). Scared that I won’t ever make the money I want to make at my day job (or get fired). Scared that my readers will leave over time.
Fear is the hardest thing for me to address. Ironically, fear is a deep, connecting experiences. When I have exposed my shadows, this has done more to increase readership than the dad dick stories I’ve penned. I am insanely proud of those stories, by the way. I do have a mom vagina story that I need to write, too, but it’s not about my mom’s vagina. It’s about vagina advice my mother gave me. Oh yes. It’s good.
When I address everyone this Friday, even though I’m doing twenty-five minutes, I can really sum it up in two sentences.
Write the truth like you wouldn’t notice if your entire audience left. And, if they do leave, keep writing as a new audience will funnel in for the second show.
photo credit: Garrett Crawford via photopin cc
Terese Lavallee says:
I truly admire your ability to write about allowing yourself to be vulnerable and honest as a writer and your dad’s dick in the same post. You have a gift.
(It totally blows that I won’t be able to attend Aiming Low… especially since I live in GA. Good luck with your presentation this weekend.)
D.J. Paris says:
Terese Lavallee You had no excuse to miss the NonCon! Oh well, I still am glad you read my crap. Next year you must come to BlogHer Chicago. No excuse!
Throat_Punch says:
Hey, really great post. I admire that you put yourself out there. Good luck at the conference, I’m sure your presentation will kick ass.
D.J. Paris says:
Throat_Punch Thanks Jenners! I put in a thing to speak at BlogHer in Chicago so we’ll see if they greenlight it. I’m still blown away by how crazy popular you’ve become. Not that you shouldn’t be – it’s just great to see someone nail it. Glad we’re buds.
Still laughing at you for that time you were going to password protect your RSS feed. Hilarious.
dp_ginadee226 says:
@tfpHumorBlog enjoying. #blog
D.J. Paris says:
dp_ginadee226 Thanks for reading.
TRfromRL says:
Love it. It’s like conquering fear with every word…something I try to practice, yet not always easy.
D.J. Paris says:
TRfromRL Would you finally put a photo in your LiveFyre icon? I’m tired at not looking at you! 🙂
Natalie the Singingfool says:
Whew, I needed to read that today. I’m struggling with fears about my writing and my (small) audience leaving. I am much more insecure than I initially thought – but I gave myself your advice earlier this week, and write truth even if everyone leaves.
Additionally, I’m bummed I’m missing the Non-Con and the chance to meet other bloggers, but on the plus side, NYC HERE I COME! Good luck, Paris – kick ass!
D.J. Paris says:
Natalie the Singingfool The audience is what you really can’t control. Just put your head down and write. If it entertains you, that’s what is important. I only write to make myself feel good. Many times I’m not sure if others like it or not. I hope they do, but I seek to mostly entertain myself.
KateHall says:
I have to disagree. I think you’re a really good writer. You have scores of people coming back everyday. I was sitting here stumbling over what to write for my post tomorrow, believing I probably wouldn’t post anything because, of the 20 half-written posts I have, they all look like crap to me right now. I thought, let me see what DJ wrote today. He can make something ordinary totally entertaining. I need encouragement. So, I came over and read your post. It was exactly what I wanted to read. Totally encouraging. I keep thinking that I need to top my last post (or best post) or else I’ll lose all my readers or suffer the embarrassement of someone potentially thinking, “well, her post wasn’t very funny or uplifting today.” You’ve challenged me. I’m going to make an effort to be honest, right now, in the post I write and see what comes out. It might be totally boring, but at least it will be an exercise in writing honestly.
KateHall says:
Okay, I did it. I wrote honestly. I think. I guess I’ll see what kind of comments I get. I hope I didn’t cross any lines in my post because I “quoted” you a number of times. I did give you three links, however.
BTW, this post here is very wise. So many “experts” claim that you need to focus on one thing on your blog in order to get a larger audience. And I agree with that to a point. But, like you said, you can only write so many jokes. I can barely do it twice/week. So having a blog that’s purely humor…is it really possible? Are all the posts going to be that great? Even Saturday Night Live has periods of suckiness. And they have a whole staff of writers. Okay, I’ll shut up before I turn your blog into a forum.
D.J. Paris says:
KateHall You are a such a great reader of mine and I really appreciate you taking the time to comment so often. I’m serious. Thank you.
KateHall says:
tfpHumorBlog it’s funny how we both have to follow our compliments up with an “I’m serious,” or an “I’m not lying.” LOL!
ModMomBeyondIndieDom says:
Great post AND your presentation DID kick ass. What you said about not allowing yourself to be bogged down by analytics or to let it affect your writing really resonated with me. And the final lines of this post underscore that sentiment. Well done. The Dad penis reference was the icing. And yes, the pun was intended!
D.J. Paris says:
ModMomBeyondIndieDom Wow, thanks Linda! I just submitted a presentation for BlogHer with a few other guys, so we’ll see if they bite. It is a really fun idea we came up with.
thejoshuawilner says:
Are you going to post a copy of your presentation?
D.J. Paris says:
Joshua Wilner/A Writer Writes You know, I was going to, but decided against it. I’ll probably write a post on what I spoke about, or, simply do a video about it. Thanks for asking!
pamelahowell says:
Both your humor and your honesty about your pain have drawn me in. I have similar issues about fear and, sadly, similar not listening tactics even though I I listen very well. Kudos for being honest and the courage to share it!!!