I have been in a foul mood all day.
(this was written last night, by the way)
When I woke up I felt my normal happy self. But soon, everything changed.
I had an early situation which warranted some anger. Basically a work thing popped up unexpectedly that had me thinking I was being attacked by a certain employee. I lost my cool but took five minutes to calm down before acting. I sent a polite but firm email and received a nasty one back. The coworker called me immediately after and we worked it out over the next fifteen minutes. I still had slight residual anger but I felt better. I have 100% confidence it will get resolved.
I also spent a few hours in traffic today due to a snowfall, but normally that wouldn’t bother me. A mild annoyance. Sure I only went a total of sixteen miles, but I have Sirius/XM and can just zone out listening to the comedy stations.
For some reason, though, the cars next to mine bothered me. I fantasized about smashing into many of them. And I never have road rage.
The air temperature which normally has little effect on me was chilling to my core. I hated the snow and sludge under my boots. I was cold outside, and hot in the car.
I found myself criticizing thoughts that popped into my head. Other people’s decisions, my own mistakes, music that came on the radio. Nothing was good. I was uncomfortable.
I even did a thirty minute meditation which, during that time, removed the negativity. As soon as I popped back to life all the darkest thoughts were there waiting for me.
My girlfriend and I attended a Mac and Cheese contest later in the day. This is one of those events where twenty people compete with unique recipes. I was excited to go. All the food tasted just “okay†to me. I know my mood was affecting my ability to enjoy taste.
We then went to an NBA game – third row tickets. Both of us hadn’t seen the Bulls play in over ten years. This was supposed to be an exciting event.
Thankfully I popped my ADD med right before the game started and the mild euphoria side-effect did kick in for most of the game. But after the final buzzer I was slammed back into my dark reality.
Just a few minutes ago, back home, my girlfriend bumped her knee hard into the coffee table. We were on hold with her internet customer service at the time, and I just stared at her blankly while she moaned in pain. I knew I should be feeling sympathy for her, but it wasn’t showing up.
Since I’ve been so negative all day, I’ve also had self-judgment about these thoughts and behaviors.
I’ve been critical of myself that, in theory, this should be a great day! I have a loving woman who supports me, I’m healthy and can pay the bills, and I’m lucky to get invited to food events and basketball games. There’s plenty to be thankful for and not anything that we’d all agree was worthy of my reactions.
The darkness felt physical, as if I had no control over it psychologically. Women go through hormonal changes every month that affect their mood without consent. Maybe something like that was going on with me. This was weird.
Since there’s nothing tangible that is looming over my head, I suspect all of these feelings will be gone by morning. I don’t generally wake up with sadness, fear, or anger. I like the mornings and often dance a little on the way from the bed to the bathroom.
My girlfriend put it succinctly. “You’re having a bad day.â€
“Yeah, but it doesn’t make sense.â€
She shrugged. To her, having a bad day is acceptable even when there’s no logic to support the feelings.
As a guy I want to figure things out. Did I do something goofy nutritionally? Did the no-sunlight thing make this happen? Would working out have fixed it? If I would have done psychological exercises, could this have turned me around? I have no answers.
It’s now the end of the night and I’m exhausted. It’s tough being such an asshole all day.
Going to wake up tomorrow and feel better and never know why this happened.
photo credit: country_boy_shane via photopin cc
Paula Eder says:
I loved this post, Paris! Great exploration of the power of feelings. Your self-awareness is admirable and I suspect that, had you decided to take the time and maybe do some free writing or something like that, you might have gotten to the core of whatever-it-was. Sometimes I find that if I welcome the feeling and, literally ask it what it is trying to tell me … an answer comes. And often it’s surprising.
But it sounds like you managed well – and I hope you aren’t still feeling self-critical today; that’ll just keep you stuck in that feeling.
Thanks for sharing a glimpse of your journey…
D.J. Paris says:
Ha – I have very little self-awareness, but thanks! I’m still new to this whole “feelings” thing. You’re right though about feeling the feelings. Sure enough, information comes out of that and then the tough feeling leaves!
Paula Eder says:
Oops – I meant post FROM Paris! 😉 And I loved the photo at the end … very evocative!
Luchie C. says:
3rd row seats in an NBA game! Man – that would send some souls to euphoria land already! Perhaps you can also consider this somber mood to be “lunar-related”. Isn’t there something said about the moon disrupting behavior? The full moon was January 16th. Just adding fodder. 😀
D.J. Paris says:
It was a fun game. I’m totally lucky to have been invited. Yes, let’s blame the moon for my mood! Also, women’s periods!
Lori Estep says:
I feel ya, man. Sometimes I have days like this and there is just no rhyme or reason (not even lady-bat-shit-crazy hormonal reasons) which frustrates me even more. I hope your day is significantly better today.
D.J. Paris says:
It’s better, thanks! I’m pretty sure I just needed a man-pon. Gross!
Amy says:
Paris,
My mom would say “Go for a walk and then take a long nap and you’ll feel better.” Or, “Maybe you need to eat something, are you hungry?” Or, “You just think too much.” In any case, we all have bad days. Hope today goes better for you!
D.J. Paris says:
Your mom sounds like a pain in the ass. Ha! (had to, too easy)
And yes, I’m all better today!
Kat says:
We all have a day like that now and then. In my case, it’s often hormonal but you don’t need estrogen to be in a dark mood sometimes. What matters is that you recognized it and didn’t let it get out of control. It’s when we aren’t self-aware enough to recognize it that we’re in trouble.
D.J. Paris says:
Oh, I was a pain the butt yesterday for sure. I just couldn’t shake it. Well, it’s gone now, like I suspected. That’s the good news!
Karma Girl says:
Could be a reaction to the new meds. It might be a good idea to keep a daily record of your moods just in case.
D.J. Paris says:
Yes – I’ll blame it on the medicine! This way it’s not my fault! Perfect!
Francene Stanley says:
I empathize with you. One little thing can influence your mood. You seem powerless to stop bad thoughts. The renown psychic healer Edgar Cayce said when we feel low, we should go with it. In other words, It’s alright to feel low every now and again. Feel better soon.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks Francene! I totally agree going into the darkness is the best thing you can do. There’s learnings there and it will pass faster as well. Thanks for the reminder!
AlwaysARedhead says:
You are fortunate to have a girlfriend who supports you in your down time. As for her hurting her knee and you not offering the appropriate sympathy, you should maybe do something nice for her today, maybe some flowers?
D.J. Paris says:
Ha – I did something nice to compensate. I mean, it wasn’t like I was a total dick, I just didn’t give her the attention that she deserved in the moment. Oh well…
CeCe says:
Having bad days suck, and I totally get the urge to try and figure out why they’ve happened. Looks like it’s time to bone up on endocrinology, psychology, sociology, and nutritional fitness. Let me know how it works out!
Also, I went to a Bulls game on my last visit to my parents in Chicago. My dad got season tickets this year. He says he can barely give them away on days he can’t attend games. Imagine how different the world would be if Derrick Rose hadn’t gotten injured.
Momma Bird says:
Love the post.
I had a week like that one day.
I can so relate !!