Yesterday I wrote about how, much like a vampire, I burst into flames when in direct sunlight. This the bane of being blonde. (Great alliteration there, Deej!)
As I recover from my pink face and belly I thought I’d take a few moments to write about the greatest thing on the planet. No hyperbole. Okay, a little hyperbole.
Paw twitches from cats and dogs.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. “Yes, paw dream twitches are amazing. But are they better than a cat baking biscuits on your stomach? Or a dog tilting it’s head to the side when you say it’s name?”
It’s a tight race, but paw twitches edges them out.
But now that I’m thinking about it – there is something even better than pet sleep twitching. This is when, a few times a year, some part of your body (usually around your upper thigh) goes batshit and starts pulsating at random intervals. Your body is doing something awesome, and you had no idea it was coming. You just hope it doesn’t go away. You watch it through your jeans and see if it moves the jeans. You take your jeans off and watch it go free and clear. You stroke and hold it trying to understand it’s origin. One hour later it is gone and you are sad.
I get to experience paw twitches most nights. My dog sleeps between my legs, apparently the warmest spot on the bed. If I don’t eat ice cream she’s in for a peaceful night. My cat will be curled up near my left armpit, like I was putting my arm around her shoulder.
Then, at about the fifteen minute mark, both of them start twitching like magic. Their paws, their noses, their whiskers. It’s nothing but twitching. And since I only get the weird skin pulse thing once a year, this is my nightly Christmas. I did one of those Oprah “gratitude lists” last week and I wrote, “Paw twitches” as my first one. Then I stopped. The list was complete.
Oh yeah, some of my friends with children say that babies do the same thing. That’s a pretty exciting thing for me when I eventually get re-married and decide to have children. It’s worth getting screamed at in the delivery room while you’re trying to force ice chips down your wife’s gullet as she poops herself on the gurney. I’ll be live blogging from there. Don’t worry.
Becky says:
Paw twitches really are the best. I have a hymalayian cat, which if you don’t know a lot about them then you wouldn’t know that they usually pick one person in the family that they are closest to and loyal to, the rest of the people in family can get fucked for all they care lol. So they are usually pretty evil except to their one true master. I am her one true master (Yay! I feel like a vampire maker lmao) and so when I get to see her paw twitch it truly is magically because it’s the one time she looks innocent and not evil =D
D.J. Paris says:
That’s one of those cats that cost money, right? But seriously, it’s creepy how when they sleep the eyes are 20% open.
pdk117 says:
You are the best. I don’t care what anyone thinks of you if they think at all, you are so funny I peed myself. REALLY I did. Just a little. I’m a guy for pete sakes. We don’t do that. Oh well, off to change my pants now. Paul @pdk117
D.J. Paris says:
@pdk117 Didn’t the diaper catch all of it? (had to – easy joke)
Craziness Abounds says:
I never screamed during delivery so I don’t get that. I know a lot of women do, I never had the urge too. Anyway paw twitches are awesome. I laugh at my St Bernard, who is more like a small horse, twitching like her is running a marathon.. Good times.
D.J. Paris says:
@Craziness Abounds No women are going to appreciate reading that. And plus, you were jacked up on Valium and the epidural.
FirstCityLine says:
@tfpHumorBlog LiveFyre won’t let me comment, but this is great. Love paw twitches, except that when your dog is 120 lbs, it’s more a punch.
Livefyre says:
@FirstCityLine @tfpHumorBlog Hey Jaimie, would you mind sharing a bit more detail on what you’re seeing? We’d be more than happy to help ya!
FirstCityLine says:
@Livefyre @tfpHumorBlog Sure – when I try to sign in, I get a message: Forbidden (403), CSRF verification failed. Same if I try as “guest”.
D.J. Paris says:
@firstcityline @Livefyre This was actually intentional on their part. They knew your comment was going to be inappropriate. They know!
FirstCityLine says:
@tfpHumorBlog @Livefyre Hey now, I am NEVER inappropriate, except when I am, which is only sometimes. LiveFyre psychic ability FAIL.
FamilyViewed says:
@DKLblog @tfpHumorBlog I thought that my Charlie (cocker spaniel) was just dreaming about her boy friend (yes she’s “fixed”)
halfbeagle says:
Paw twitches are the best. It’s the sleeper farts I could live without.
D.J. Paris says:
@halfbeagle My dog doesn’t do that because I love her. That’s a punishment from God because you secretly hate yours. I know these things.
Eileen says:
Even better than paw twitches, are the little muffled sleep barks. I will pause Netflix Dr. Who marathons for sleep barking.