I’ve written about this before – how I scammed my way up Google charts to be #1 for “best blogs” and such.
This was pre-Penguin (Google update that ousted all the bozos like me) and the times were good. I was getting courted by corporate advertisers who thought I was a big deal. That’s all dried up now, and I’m building the brand the same way anyone who never gets a big viral hit does – one reader at a time.
By far the most read stories on my site are the two that I wrote about my father’s genitalia. Today alone nearly two hundred people read these posts. That’s about an average day. Understand that I do not advertise or promote those posts anywhere. They are beloved but not as well written as Beloved by Toni Morrison.
Anything pun related is simply good fun.
Well, just for poops tonight I decided to check my analytics which I pretty much never do. It’s a losing game. I either experience a high akin to that of an opiate addict at a hookah festival or severe depression like that of an opiate addict who attends a non-hookah festival. Same thing with non-comment counts. I’ll write something I believe is my best work, or worse yet, brings me to tears, and one person comments. I’m not complaining. I just try not to look at stuff like numbers because I have very little control. And it just bums me out.
Like tonight.
I used to look religiously at my analytics like when I was #1 for big keywords. I would take screenshots just so I could brag to myself!
Well since I don’t show up on those search results any longer, where do I show up?
The most common is for people literally typing in “Thoughts From Paris.” Okay, that’s logical. Maybe they’re searching directly for me. A friend could have referred them. Or they could be big French fans that are looking for memoir stuff from the city of love. Or maybe crazed Paris Hilton (remember her?) admirers that hope that a book with this title has been written and available for purchase from Amazon.
The next most common search term to which people find me is… ahem… hmm…
“penis stories”
Sadly, this is not a joke. Go ahead and type it into Google. I show up #2. Plus, Google now shows my picture next to the result. Even better.
Let’s discuss the psychology of the person who does this search. You know what? I’m not going to. I have no idea who searches for this keyword string. Could be men, women, older, younger. No idea. Gay? Straight? I’m at a total loss.
Here’s the question. When they click on the blog and up comes my story – are they happy with the result? Would Google get a “thumbs-up” on relevancy? Did we meet their needs? I suspect in many cases not.
If you did the same search for “funny penis stories” (as I just did for a goof), I see that I am #4. This makes sense – well, in the respect that I did write exactly two funny penis stories.
Well, everyone needs their marker in life. Mine is about what I thought it would ultimately be.
Katjaneway says:
lol. Just… lol
D.J. Paris says:
Katjaneway Glad to report that I’ve dropped to #5!
RachRiot says:
I feel you, dude. The search that most often leads people to my blog is “ass sniffing perverts.” Awesome.
D.J. Paris says:
RachRiot That’s how I initial found you! Wait, I mean, no I would never search for something so awful.
SteveWalters says:
Maybe you could monetize this by creating an anthology of penis stories? rotflmao
No seriously, if you’re getting 200 hits a day on that search I’m sure you could sell at least a handful of books every day.
D.J. Paris says:
SteveWalters Yes – to perverts!
Debbie Doglady says:
Interesting claim to fame. LOL
D.J. Paris says:
Debbie Doglady It’s both sad and hilarious.
MicheleLeAnn says:
As often as you’ve brought them up, in all the time I’ve been reading your blog, I’ve somehow managed to avoid the stories of your father’s penis. I’m glad you brought them up yet again, I had to look. Just had to. I wasn’t disappointed. But hey, if you have to be known for that one thing, atleast you do it well.
D.J. Paris says:
MicheleLeAnn FINALLY. Took you long enough!
tjloveless3 says:
So you have Murphy stalking you as well? Awesome. Now I have to go look up those funny penis stories.
D.J. Paris says:
tjloveless3 okay – explain the Murphy thing. I’m probably an idiot, but I don’t understand.
KateHall says:
So what you’re saying is no matter if you have 150 followers or 30K+ followers nothing changes? Crap.
KateHall says:
I’m still gonna be neurotic.
D.J. Paris says:
KateHall Me too!
D.J. Paris says:
KateHall Nope – it’s all illusion. The only constant is the effort I put in to write. It’s all I can control.
about100percent says:
“Penis stories” probably attracts a general range of perverts, so I’d say that’s a win.
My blog is #1 when people Google “Sock Bun Fun,” which may attract a more specific community of perverts-slash-hair enthusiasts.
Eh, take what you can get.
D.J. Paris says:
about100percent Yep, there you are – #1! It’s good to #1 at something.
Meetmyhusband says:
This sounds about like every writer I know. Granted, you’re the only blogger I know now who’s fame is based on his dad’s junk. 🙂 I think that bloggers everywhere, though, wonder where, how, how many, and why people read them. Great post! I laughed out loud.
D.J. Paris says:
Meetmyhusband My mom’s hoo is going to be the next target. She’s not happy about this.
Meetmyhusband says:
Ewww! I just realized I created such a gross grammatical error. I wrote “who’s” instead of “whose”. Please forgive the complete and utter lack of comment proofreading prior to posting.
Natalie the Singingfool says:
My #1 Google search is “Bubonic Plague.” I don’t know how that makes me feel.
D.J. Paris says:
Natalie the Singingfool It should make you feel sick. Oh yes I did!
Audrey Howitt says:
Interesting–I am so not a big time blogger that I have no clue what attracts readers–yikes!
D.J. Paris says:
Audrey Howitt Ha – I’m not big time either. I just try to keep writing!
andreabadgley says:
I’m saving your dad’s penis for a rainy day. Today, I want to commiserate on the whole “I’ll write something I believe is my best work, or worse yet, brings me to tears, and one person comments.” I just wrote a post that I dug really deep to deliver, and I think it’s awesome, and it’s called “How haiku saved me from a mid-life crisis,” and I was so proud when I hit publish, and I just waited for the comments to start rolling in. Did they? No. Not a one. I mean come on! It’s about haiku rescuing someone from a crisis! Oh well. Maybe when I finally write up my “Lost Balls” story I’ll get some engagement.
D.J. Paris says:
andreabadgley I just commented! See, you’re not alone!
Julie DeNeen says:
You crack me up. I have to say, I flinch at the whole dad penis post. Just sayin’ 😛
D.J. Paris says:
Julie DeNeen yes, but you also rock very hard.
kstaxman says:
How very true all of what you’ve said is. For the truth is that the internet is like a black hole in space that sucks up everything and nothing comes out once it’s inside. We only see the glow of the things as they are sucked up in that final moment of glory as they send out their last burst of light and energy.
I’ve long given up on being relevant to the masses as I’ve come to realize that I and the masses have little in common. So while I make only my mark here on the internet as those comments, posts, articles, and observations of mine have that brief moment before they are lost never to be seen again I find that enough.
So as you ponder your picture beside your penis story Google ranking remember it could be worse… we just don’t know how… LOL
But for some brief moment in time hovering above the even horizon you have placed your marker. Maybe it will stay there frozen or maybe it will be finally swallowed up but it was at least there for all to see. Just enjoy the fame for as you’ve seen it can be there and then be gone so very quickly.
D.J. Paris says:
kstaxman poety, friend. As a writer of fart jokes, I stand in awe. Well said.
marybogie83 says:
This post made me laugh out loud, which has been a hard feat to achieve today, so THANK YOU! Keep up the hilarity!
D.J. Paris says:
marybogie83 Glad to make you laugh at the expense of my dignity. Ha.
Daniel Nest says:
I regularly do mock posts about search terms that lead people to my blog. I’m still baffled by some search terms. Well, guess it’s better to be known for ‘penis stories’ than ‘butt too big’, whatever the hell that means.
D.J. Paris says:
Daniel Nest I just suspect people search for penis stuff online aren’t exactly chicks. But who knows – I’ll take any reader I can get. I’m easy like that.
wilyguy says:
How can I get into this niche ‘Penis Stories’ market? Obviously, your writing about it again will doubtless boost you to Number 1.
Perhaps we can all learn at the feet of the master?
You should definitely write an ‘Analytics for Dummies and People Who Don’t Read Good Either’ post. I suck at analyzing the analytics, but would never admit so in public.
WG
D.J. Paris says:
wilyguy I’m really trying to do a vagina run in 2013. See what happens. I’m excited!
Kevin Routh says:
Great post! Although, to be honest, I just surfed in looking for penis stories…
D.J. Paris says:
Kevin Routh I just checked a few weeks later and I’m now on page two. Thank the gods.
WantToBWriter says:
Very interesting. I guess better to get funny penis traffic than “little” penis traffic. 🙂
D.J. Paris says:
WantToBWriter You always bring the “a” material to my blog. I applaud you sir.