I’m about ready to go on a first date.
Drinks at a bar in downtown Chicago. This is a woman I’ve talked with once over the phone. We met on an online dating website. I have absolutely no idea how it’s going to pan out. She may be the woman of my dreams – or a dud. Or I may be a dud in her mind while I fall madly in love.
Either way, you won’t see an update where I relay what happened.
On virtually every first date my blog comes up in conversation. There are times where I brag about it because I want to seem like a big shot. Other times they Google’d me and found it on their own. In a phone call prior to the first date it may have been discussed when asked what I do in my spare time. And in other instances it’s not broached at all.
Once I had a woman tell me, “I’m going to go home and read your blog and if I don’t like it I’ll tell you.” I found that repellent – not that she might not like it, but that she would mention that she didn’t like it. Could you imagine, “Hey Picasso – can’t wait to see your new cubist stuff. I’ll let you know if it’s a pile of shit. Oh, by the way, thanks for picking up dinner.”
I always promise never to write about the dates and that I respect the privacy of the dating experience. Good or bad, it’s just something that most people don’t want out there. I can dig it.
I’ve had enough dates to know that, for many women, the idea of dating a guy with a blog freaks them out. Some people are very private and have strict boundaries around their personal activities. Most don’t realize I have enough fodder with my own thoughts and behaviors to even think of writing about them. I’m pretty sure, however, it’s been the cause of a few canceled dates.
Many women respond positively, however, and I do get a lot of excitement surrounding my writing. And, quite frankly, I need someone who thinks keeping an online journal is a cool idea. The blog is how I express myself creatively (my art, so to speak). I’m probably not going to stop regardless of my partner’s objections.
I will, however, continue to focus on me and not other people.
It’s weird when someone reviews my blog prior to going out because they come in with preconceived notions of my life. They already know part of me – whatever they read. The challenge is that I talk about what I’m experiencing that day. If I’m having a sad night and I write about fear and loneliness, they might think I’m a depressive. Or if I’m self-congratulatory I could be viewed as a narcissist.
Some people find out about the blog and refuse to read it because they want to get to know me through our personal interactions.
It’s not that I want to write about my dating. Even though there are a few funny stories, most are just nice drinks/dinners with nice people. Not much to reveal.
I’ve been dating for about eight months and I never thought it would take this long to find someone that I connected to long-term. Many have dumped me – I’ve even dumped a few. I don’t want to go another eight months without a relationship, but I’ve learned I have very little control. It’s caused me to examine what I may be doing to choose the wrong people, or what I might do to drive them away. Or, maybe it isn’t me at all but just the natural process of dating.
Either way it’s both exciting and disappointing. That’s a sad way to end this post, and I’m not sad about it at all most of the time. It’s fun to meet new people, and I’ve created three wonderful and long-lasting friendships. I’m grateful to these women and glad to be a part of their lives.
Once I get a girlfriend I’ll probably be writing about us and attempt to find the balance between talking of my life and respecting personal boundaries. Until then I am tight-lipped about the early courtships.
Oh, and if you have any hot friends in Chicago, send ’em my way. No nutsos, please.
Frankie Lawson says:
I empathize with how little control you have while dating. Sometimes it could be a good fit but it’s not the right time for one or both of you. You seem to have a healthy attitude about it and seem like a genuinely nice guy. I’m glad you’ve made friends recently. I hope you find someone special soon. In any case, I look forward to continuing reading about your life.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks for the kind words and for reading! I try to be a nice guy. I can definitely be a jerk, but I keep it to a minimum. :!
Wendy BaudÃn, Self-Love Sherpa and Wisdom Guide says:
Hi Delfin,
Good luck man….tough these days in finding the right partner. Be sure you have written down exactly what you are looking for in your partner, picture her and have good feelings about her. Then she will appear because now your energy is attracting her and not the 50 others that do not resonate with you. Be focused on what you really want and don’t settle for anything else.
I am from UBC, so nice to meet you. Come and visit me some time http://wendy643.wordpress.com/ Namaste with Unity “Love” Consciousness, Wendy
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks for the remembering of energy flows where attention goes!
Vanessa says:
I find the hardest part about having a blog and dating, is balancing the time both activities take. I wouldn’t want anyone to assume that what I write on my blog is the total me – most times a post is me trying to talk about 5 minutes of my day that I found humorous.
D.J. Paris says:
ALL times is my blog trying to talk about five minutes of my day that I found hilarious. 🙂
We’re basically the same. 🙂
Leslea says:
I have found that I learn something about myself and what I need from my future partner with online dating. Definitely an experience! I really enjoy reading about your dates.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks Leslea! Yeah, I’m definitely learning what I like and don’t like by online dating. It’s really a surreal experience.
Shae says:
Ha- I really have never had anyone say anything about the fact that I blog. But, mostly I do not blog about my personal life. I generally focus on topics in the world that I have an opinion on. I think the gender thing has something to do with it too though. Girls are more accepted as bloggers. Either way good luck on your dating escapades!
D.J. Paris says:
I wish I had opinions on the world! I’m currently watching Meet the Press (as I do every week) and I still have no idea what I think about stuff. Girls are definitely more accepted as bloggers. But since I mostly write funny stuff, chicks are usually cool about it. 🙂
catherine gacad says:
Hey DJ, when I was dating, one of the things I did (on top of online dating and going out all the time and having my friends all set me up) was hire a Silicon Valley matchmaker. She agreed to take me on, but she specifically said that my blog was a huge deterrent for men and that if I was serious about being in a committed relationship to put an end to it. I was pretty bummed about it, because blogging was such a huge part of my life, but I did it, and I honestly think it helped, because the guys I was setup with couldn’t pre-judge me based on what I had written about on my blog. I’m married now, so something obviously helped the cause. I’m not saying take down your blog, but simply food for thought since you are posting about this very topic.
D.J. Paris says:
Hey Catherine! I’m a huge fan of yours. I don’t think I’m taking down the blog, but I recognize it could make the dating process longer. It’s really something to think about. Thanks!
Milli says:
Hmmm giving up my blog for a relationship. Maybe it worked for Catherine up there but I don’t think I could give up something I love to do and reflects so much of me for someone else, even if it is for finding my future spouse. After all, he couldn’t be my future partner if he can’t accept me entirely and pre-judge me based on what I write as Catherine mentioned.
All things said and as a hopeless romantic (yeah even in this day and age), I still believe that the right one would come along who would love me as I am, blog and all, and I wish the same for you.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks for the kind wishes. Yeah, I’m not giving up the blog. It’s simply too much fun. Plus, I have a damned app coming out in a few weeks and need you bozos to use it! 🙂
contabilidad prestamo sin intereses says:
You really do know how to inspire envy!!! That embroidered bag for only 50p! And I love your rings, I keep telling myself once I finish the most boring course in the world I will treat myself to a lovely stone ring like the green one you are wearing!
http://www./ says:
uma das maiores preocupações q fiz minha mãe passar foi qdo eu 9 meses nos estavamos em minas gerais quando eu estava dormindo na cama c minha mae eu pulei ela e cai de cabeça no chão e estourei umm veia na cabeça fikei internado no Hospital tive q fazer drenagem p tirar o sangue q vasou da veia fike 3 dias no hospital minha mae nao conseguia dormir.com medo de eu cair esta foi uma das maiores preocupações q fiz minha mae passar .
Max_In_Sydney says:
The trick for me, after being single for a few years and unsuccessfully trying online dating sites, was to get away from the computer and get out of the house. I joined a land caring group, went to lots of live music events, live theatre and movies with friends, food festivals…whatever was going on at the time. Eventually at an afternoon live music session at our local surf lifesaving club my girlfriend introduced me to an acquaintance of hers, who was there with a mate of his. The rest, as they say, is history. Consider a step away from the computer for a little while and see what happens. Good luck.
D.J. Paris says:
You know, that’s a great idea. While I don’t care about land caring (kidding), I should find a group that meets my needs. Like maybe there’s a Meetup for reasonable fit people that like to eat pizza until pass-out. I suspect I would not be the only one. Thanks from up-above!
Leslea says:
I would join that group!
Walker Thornton says:
The life of a blogger is very different, and if people aren’t into blogs they just don’t understand.
Like you I dabble in online dating and I blog. The problem is that I blog about sex and sexuality. And, the blog is under my name so a google search finds me quickly…and guys get all revved up when they see what I’m writing! It can be a little awkward at times.
D.J. Paris says:
Hi Walker – yes, I do not envy your dating position. 🙂 But I do admire your courage! Great blog.
Walker Thornton says:
Courage! Ha…. hadn’t thought of it in that way. Thanks. I’m enjoying your blog as well….sorry it’s taken me so long to ‘get’ here!
Druidblue says:
Only single eight months? Pfft. You’ve got tons of time. I’ve been alone 15.
Oops, I should clarify…that would be 15 years, not months. Don’t be too picky or follow the whole “someone will come along” advice, because if there’s one truth I’ve learned in life through direct experience… you’re not guaranteed a significant other. As I reach age-related dating difficulties (aka I’m too old to date the young women I like), it’s amazingly depressing knowing you’re looking at life alone.
D.J. Paris says:
15 years – I admire your independence! I agree that the right person won’t just come along. The only way I know out is to keep getting out there and meeting new people every day. It’s a hell of a lot of work – but hopefully worth it. Keep up the good fight!
Din Mutha says:
I kind of love that point of the date when a guy learns I’m a writer: They sit up a little taller, they turn the charm to 11, they decide to order one more drink, and then get really boring. Yep, you ring true with this one. I could write a misadventures-in-dating as I’m sure you could too!
I’ve never heard someone say that eight months is long enough to be single. I thought I was just impatient.
Well written!
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks DM!
I love when a real writer tells me I’ve written something great. Ah, validation. The currency of life.
Lisa says:
“I will, however, continue to focus on me and not other people.” I love this.
I’ve been following your blog for only a week and it seems you’re pretty self-aware and self-deprecating enough not to let the blog, you, and any significant other to become a threesome. And, if you’re like me, you don’t write to be famous, but often, simply, to figure out what you’re thinking. That takes balls. Weird, btw, that we can all Google each other in this day and age. I share my name with an adult film star in St. Louis. Nice.
D.J. Paris says:
Hi Lisa!
I beat off to that porn star in St. Louis!!!! What a coincidence! (sorry, couldn’t stop myself from typing that – I’m really not that gross).
Thanks for reading – really.
Katjaneway says:
I share. I’m a share-y person. A blog to me is kind of like what directors say about people being spooked in front of a camera. It’s just you and the camera; forget about the world. It’s just you and the computer. The world doesn’t exist. This is how I feel when I write. It’s a journal for me that other people can read if they want. Now, I don’t get many readers, granted, but that’s okay because it’s mostly for me. And like you, I would need to find someone that appreciates it for what it is – an expression of art and thought, and accepts it regardless. I refuse to quit writing. Its cathartic for me. If they canceled dates because they read your blog well then – they weren’t the one for you. They need to be able to accept you flaws and all, otherwise it would never work. Of course I wouldn’t want all my details thrown out there for thousands to read (my god she’s a horrible kisser!), and sure that can be a legit fear. But I think as long as you promise the person you will not write about them or reveal details, they should be able to accept it. Just explain that this blog is important to you, and writing is important. Hopefully they will understand!
D.J. Paris says:
Yes, you are a share-y type! Thankfully I found a broad who actually does like it! Amazing!
Yeison says:
Nice post !, I don’t have that problem I blog with my girlriend sometimes we have our moments but is nice in general.
Good luck !
D.J. Paris says:
Nice – my girlfriend is a blogger too. It’s fun to share that interest!
Jack says:
I would tell them it doesn’t matter whether they put out or not because the blog will always say they did and that they were grateful for the opportunity.
Hell I would tell them that they should appreciate the exposure to the blogosphere and the chance to become an Internet superstar who probably won’t be recognized on the street, unless they agree to naked pictures.
And if you want to really get traffic post some naked pictures, it is amazing how effective that is.
D.J. Paris says:
Hilarious. Sorry for the late reply.
(and they always put out. Always)
Grace says:
First I’d like to applaud you for getting out there to date again AND for not letting others dictate your actions!
I’ve been dating a writer. He actually has several blogs and I can’t get enough of his writing. I love it! I especially enjoy reading a ‘story’ that’s something we did together… No lie man. It may sound freaky to some of you but it is a HUGE turn on!!! That he’s an excellent storyteller just adds to it….like daaaammmnn! Reading about his reactions to me or something I’ve done thrills me. I’ve done the same with him – maybe once.. I’d do it more if I wasn’t so crazy in the head because time with him makes my head spin. I had no clue he was a writer when we started dating. Honestly, I would have been a bit intimidated but as for my guy, he’s so personable it would have ended up okay.
Women, IF you know he’s a writer let it rest at that – you know he writes. Same for you men. Give people a shot. Go in with no preconceived notions and leave your own crap at the door. Have some dames fun! Then maybe you’ll see a nuance of that fun in a storyline and think ‘YAY!’ Until then, focus on the person.
I have noticed after fights a bitch would come up in a blog and I snapped at him about it but you know what?? I was wrong for that. It’s his writing, his life, his experiences, his perspective!! We ALL have a human side and need for an outlet. This blog entry is a good example of how he might write after I struck a nerve.. He will say ‘people’ 98% of the time.
Long-winded point is this: Appreciate the person. Enjoy the writing. Focus on the relationship.
May you find that lucky woman you can connect with on a long-term basis! If those three are your launch point, well done! 🙂
May the Force be with you!
~Grace H.
D.J. Paris says:
You sound like a great girlfriend! When he dumps you, I’m calling.
rooth says:
I’ve actually not thought of this (is that a sad comment on my dating life – nevermind) but I can imagine the blogging conversation is a bit unavoidable. “Oh you write? What do you write? Where can I read it?” For me, blogging is a bit of a secret. I like to unload on my blog about real life people, when it suits my fancy. It’s okay because I give them cute aliases, right?
D.J. Paris says:
Yes – nothing wrong with private blogging! Then you can really talk shit about other people. 🙂
Kate says:
I started the blog six months ago and I was already in a relationship. He has been encouraging and supportive. HOWEVER, I am sure my posts would be different if single and I’d share more dating horror stories. My boyfriend is definitely sensitive when I write about history so I imagine it would be even more difficult if he wasn’t already stuck with me. I feel your pain!
D.J. Paris says:
Tell your boyfriend to stop being a sissy. Ha!
Natalie -The Cat Lady Sings says:
Yeah my husband has a strict “please don’t write about me” policy that I try to respect. If I mention him it’s generally in passing. So I understand a lady’s need for privacy – probably a good idea to keep it under wraps (at least, unless they specify otherwise…)
D.J. Paris says:
Yeah, he may that policy, but you already told me EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM in person. Including that one thing. Oh, and that thing, too.
Katy says:
Should definitely use that picture on dating profile. One part Moe from Three Stooges one part zombie attack.
D.J. Paris says:
Wow – that’s an amazing description of that photo. I’m going to hire to you to be my official photo captioner for my upcoming biography.
Katy says:
Should use that picture on dating profile. One part Moe from Three Stooges one part zombie attack.
D.J. Paris says:
Thanks – remind me to smack you atop your pointy head.
Pam @ Whatevs... says:
I totally get this and I respect your approach. When I was dating, I would never write anything about dating, which was too bad because there were so many awful dates, and I’ve always thought, the worse the experience, the better the blog post… But when I met my husband, he admitted to me that he’d googled me and found my blog. I knew he was special because I wasn’t immediately thinking, “Ew, you sicko google stalker.” Instead, I was touched. But then it got better. He said he thought my blog was awesome. So it was kind of cool that he got to know a little of me before he really got to know me and it was kind of like the trailer of an awesome movie. At least I like to think so:) Good luck out there.
D.J. Paris says:
Yeah, my girlfriend now loves the blog. She’s a writer, too, which helps. Thanks for the thoughtful reply and sorry for my late reply!