I’m a little worried these days.
This is going to sound like an insanely stupid problem, but here goes. I’ve been biking to work every day for over six months. Here in Chicago it’s getting close to hanging up the bike shorts (I have never worn bike shorts) for the season. Winter is coming.
I’m usually comfortable until it dips below forty degrees. Then it’s simply too damned cold to be biking ten miles each way. Plus, I have the dog strapped to my back and I’m sure she isn’t happy when she has two sweaters on and is still shivering.
Oh, I haven’t got to the problem yet. Damned exposition!
The problem is that:
- I’m used to burning hundreds of calories each day
- I’m a spaz when I don’t burn hundreds of calories a day
What this means is that if I don’t work out I have all this extra energy that needs to be released. I’m not a relaxed person by nature. What happens is the energy starts leaking out on all sorts of stuff – for example I had two minor freakouts today at work for benign events. I just freaked out in my head, but it was a bit of a rager.
Also, when I’m talking to Jessica over the phone, I’m more apt to want to increase the energy of the conversation to burn it out. Sometimes this becomes funny material, other times exhausting psychological discussions of people in her building that will approach her while she’s walking the dog and talking with me and they have a three minute conversations with her even though she’s clearly on the phone and too polite to tell them to bugger off.
Trying to brush up on my Brit expressions as I’m doing a radio interview in a few weeks. I’m going to give them my list of “Stupid British Slang.” My favorite British word is “fanny” by the way. I can’t believe we Americans got that one so wrong.
This energy needs to go away. The only way I know how to do that is via exercise or valium. Since I don’t do drugs or alcohol I have to hit the treadmill. I have the P90x Insanity program which is crazy hard, but I also have neighbors underneath me. The instructors have you jumping around like a moron and at 6am I’m not sure this will be well-received.
My other option – work out at night. Well, same problem with the downstairs neighbors. I do, however, belong to a gym, but I go to meetings at night for the various groups to which I’m involved.
Okay, I wanted to end that sentence with “groups I’m involved with” but I know that’s mechanically incorrect. I don’t think anyone truly gives a shit but I changed it anyway. “To which I’m involved” makes me sound like an asshole. If any of you know how to remedy that sort of thing, let me know. Happens to me almost every evening and I don’t know what to do. Except eat lots of chocolate and pass out.
Evenings are just too unpredictable and I’ll always find reasons not to go. I could head to the gym in the morning but that’s a whole three blocks away. I know – tragic. The odds of me getting up and stumbling to the family room are slim as it is. Putting on winter clothes and trudging outside, while completely reasonable, is unlikely.
So, part of me wants to say, “Suck it up, loser! Get to the gym or press play on the DVD like a disciplined human being!” The other part of me understands the other part of me which is to go back to sleep and try to recreate that one dream I had where I was eating soup while sitting in a jacuzzi talking to four blonde sorority co-eds.
I still have a few biking days left and even though I’m wearing the thermal underwear and winter hat under my helmet I’m enjoying the ride. My shirts are soaked with sweat and I have to hang them to dry at work only to put them on again at five pm, but still. It’s fun.
It just occurred to me. Bring a second shirt to use on the way home. I’m smart!
photo credit: West Point Public Affairs via photopin cc
knightndaze says:
Um… hire an exercycle? I dunno – I make up those sorts of phony excuses too… For what it’s worth, I wriggle like a jack russell on uppers when I see phrases like “…with [you should have said with, not to] which I’m involved.” Makes my friggin day. If that makes me an asshole, I’m cool with that.
D.J. Paris says:
knightndaze Yes. It does.
knightndaze says:
tfpHumorBlog knightndaze Happiness abounds
NorellLestinaShute says:
I am also from Chicago, living in Texas for the past 25 years. About a month ago when talking to my therapist, I “dangled a participle” and she instantly said it reminded her of her years in Chicago. She was thrilled. So apparently, it is okay to dangle those babies if we are from Chicago!!! I was not as thrilled as she was, so here is my suggestion: “but I’m involved in meetings almost every night.””but I’m involved in meetings almost every night.”
NorellLestinaShute says:
I am also from Chicago, living in Texas for the past 25 years. About a month ago when talking to my therapist, I “dangled a participle” and she instantly said it reminded her of her years in Chicago. She was thrilled. So apparently, it is okay to dangle those babies if we are from Chicago!!! I was not as thrilled as she was, so here is my suggestion: “but I’m involved in meetings almost every night.”
D.J. Paris says:
NorellLestinaShute We have a Norell living here at the building and when I was treasurer of the association he caused all the problems. Your name triggered me into rage. I’ve calmed down now and I thank you for your thoughtful comment. Now, please excuse me while I got punch the wall.
DeirdrefromEP says:
I think you are burning something close to a thousand calories a day doing that bike ride. You should be worried. I totally get your dilemma, I to am a total nut if I allow my regimen to break down too much – not enough sleep or eating junk food or no exercise or drinking alcohol (which I ususally don’t do) or sitting at my computer working so long that my back hurts. And I find myself starting to want to skip my exercise classes now that the weather is turning shitty – too cold to go back outside. Break out that P90X at 6am, neighbors be damned. They should be up getting ready for work anyway, what kind of slackers are they?
D.J. Paris says:
DeirdrefromEP I will print out your comment and slip it under their door. GREAT CALL.
bluenotebacker says:
To which I belong?
Take the stairs, do pushups & planks until you melt into a puddle of useless jelly. You can burn those calories! I heard drinking SUPER ICE COLD water actually helps you burn calories. Just do that. A lot. Or something.
D.J. Paris says:
bluenotebacker Great, now I’m on the super ice cold water diet. So far I’ve lost fifteen pounds of fat and contracted hyponatremia. Google it!
ladyjess78 says:
I go to my group meetings? Try to just get rid of the preposition altogether.
I totally say with which I am involved. All the damn time. Then I balance out that grammatical goodness by saying something like, “It’n’t it just?” I like to keep people guessing.
D.J. Paris says:
ladyjess78 I love all of this. Except your personality. But everything else.
Natalie the Singingfool says:
I’m doing the Insanity thing, and I highly recommend it. Screw your neighbors, you’ve gotta expend energy, dog!
Can you tell I don’t live in an apartment?
D.J. Paris says:
Natalie the Singingfool I have Insanity, and it is amazingly tough. Fine – I’m going back!
gypsykline says:
What if you walked to work partway and then took the El/bus/whatever the rest of the way? Then you can get some of your energy out but also not have to walk ten miles.
Or you could just do jumping jacks in the corner at your group meetings that grace with your presence.
gypsykline says:
What if you walked to work partway and then took the El/bus/whatever the rest of the way? Then you can get some of your energy out but also not have to walk ten miles.
Or you could just do jumping jacks in the corner at your group meetings that you grace with your presence.
D.J. Paris says:
gypsykline Yes – because jumping jacks never scream, “I have an intense personality disorder.” They do, you know.
andreabadgley says:
This is totally worth worrying about! I worried about the same thing this summer and even wrote a post about it (though it’s not nearly as funny as yours – http://andreabadgley.wordpress.com/2012/07/12/the-thing-i-dreaded-most/). I agree with bluenotebacker – do circuits of pushups, situps, planks, etc. – that’s what I did, and it kicks my ass. My circuit is in that blog post if you’re interested.
And hang the participles, unless in real life you would actually say “groups to which I’m involved.” Which I hope you wouldn’t.
D.J. Paris says:
andreabadgley Thanks for the circuit suggestion and the participle thing (whatever that means).
lauraworley says:
Technically, you wouldn’t say “groups to which I am involved” because you are not involved TO groups. You could say groups “with which I am in involved” or groups “in which I am involved,” or something similar – groups “to which I belong” or groups “in which I participate.” Basically take the word with which you WANT to end the phrase – in your case, the word “with” – and bump it to the beginning of the sentence. Or, just end the sentence with the preposition, since that’s the way we all really talk anyway.
Love your blog!!
D.J. Paris says:
lauraworley Thanks for the syntatic lesson. Now, go find something better to do like paint your nails. Since you’re a girl. A silly, silly girl.
Sonja Rois says:
You could get a stationary bike. Then there is no jumping, so no bothering neighbors. You can use it any time of day or night that fits into your schedule (before or after group meetings). It is the same exercise you are used to already doing so there shouldn’t be any weird body/muscular problems that might come up from doing a different exercise. A lot of the stationary bikes also come with odometers so you can see how mush your using it so if you are used to doing 10 miles you know you are still doing it. Plus, depending on where you put it, you can totally watch TV or listen to music while you’re on it. But all from the warmth and dryness of your apartment.
D.J. Paris says:
Sonja Rois I never once thought of this. You may have changed my life. I wish to attend your next seminar.
natasha2marie says:
How about just, “I have various group meetings at night.” No need to use “involved with” at all, unless you’re not part of the group and just a random meeting crasher, a la Fight Club style.
D.J. Paris says:
natasha2marie Thank for the mechanical correction. Everybody loves that person.
JenniferCarson says:
Yes, those non-dangling participles are a total turn-on. I’m married to a marathoner and have been friends with exercise nuts. Apparently, if you don’t give your body that thing it craves, you can actually start to feel ill. One friend said she felt like she was coming down with the flu when she was out with a busted ankle for three weeks. The spouse just gets fidgety and cranky.
D.J. Paris says:
JenniferCarson It’s been two weeks without exercise. I’m going to actually get up tomorrow am and go to the gym. You’ll see. I’ll show you! I’ll show you all!!!
Shakes fist at heaven!
Tanya says:
You have nice manners! Thank you ever so much for not wearing bike shorts, I’m very grateful (even though I’m located so many miles away my eyes cannot be damaged, it’s the thought that counts). I too feel your difficulty in exercise as our house is small and who wants to wake the little ones before need be? Maybe you could try ballet where you will be light on your feet so as not to offend your neighbours…that being said ‘not in your ballet tights, please and thank you’. The treadmill is a very good energy burn and I use an x-box 360 programme which is a mixture of many things like boxing, kickboxing, and other cardio workouts which aren’t all heavy on the floor if you know what I mean. Tanya xox